spouse of a MTF needing help

[justme]

  ok, so i am a spouse of a MTF and i am having trouble coming to terms with it. mainly because she is pushing me so hard to let her do this whole thing band become a true woman. but she refuses to talk to me about any of this. she goes behimd my back and makes doctors appointments for while i am at work, knowing i dont want my kids to tag along. and she gets so pissed at me when i confront her about it. she either denies it or calls and cancels the appointments. and for starters she has no insurance for this appointments and we barely have the money to put food on the  table or clothes on the kids back. but she DOES NOT care because he wants to have everything about her and for her weather the kids our taken careof or not. and it really pisses me off when i need to pay me a bra or two because all mine are falling apart or dont fit, and she ALWAYS has to get one too weither i have the money for 2 or 3 or not. and if i dont let her get hers and out mine back she bitches and gets mad at me. ok and i only have 3 bras and they barely fit and she has 2 DRESSER DRAWERS FULL. she has more bras and panties then i do but yet i cant get me any new ones, she always has to butt in and get her some so i always put my stuff back and cry because i couldnt get the stuff i need. and same goes for when i get my kids stuff she always has to get her stuff too.
she is pushing my to hard and fast that i am about to take our kids and walk out on our so called marriage. she says she loves me but she wont talk to me about this, she wont listen to me when i voice my concerns about my kids, she doesnt care about our money situation she just cares about herself and changing. all she cares about is becoming a woman weither i am ready or we have the money. and weither she likes it or not at tax time she ONLY gets her part of the return, with is nothing because she owes money, and the rest is for me and the kids and we are gone expesally if her crap dont change.
how can i make her realize that she is hurting her family and that the kids come 1st before the change? how can i cope with all this while rising 3 kids, working full time, going through health problems of my own and dealing with not having money for anything, expesally when she wont talk about it?

[TamTam]

Can you tell her exactly what you just told us?

[Alyx.]

Wow...

Well, you seem to be coping wonderfully, but your wife... um... she needs to get her priorities straight.

[justme]

i have tried to tell her but she wont listen to me because i dont know what i am talking about and i just dont understand well atleast according to her. I am just letting her go and do as she please because i am getting tired of her pushing me away and pushing me to let her do this. even though i am born a woman she says i dont understand any of this woman stuff. so i just let her do as she pleases and when she pleases because i cant ger her to understand or get her priorities straight. maybe she will read this as she is a memeber of this site and only talks to you all about this and leave me her wife out of it. 

[TamTam]

Maybe try writing her a letter about it instead of talking?  Sometimes that helps.

[justme]

I have not tried writing a letter. which i hardly have time to write one with taking care of 3 kids and working.

[almost,angie]

Justme I`m sorry to hear she is being so selfish. She needs to put the family first when it comes to money for food and clothes. I myself have put off electrolysis for food in these hard times. My wife says don`t pay the bills and go get electro but I told her that is not an option. Yes, transition is very important and very herd to stop doing but when it comes to my kids well they only grow up once. I think you are staring at what is called tuff love. If you can`t feed the kids decent meals then maybe unfortunantly you will have to do what you have to do. SHe is lucky to have you... Angie

[justme]

"i think we wives get a lot of bad press sometimes if we're not 100% running through the streets blowing trumpets and tossing flower petals"
i agree with that.
i always put my self last when coming to my needs, that why i put my health at risk by going back to work only 2 weeks after i had my baby. as my spouse refused to put legal name on job apps since she has legally changed her name to her female name, so when the potenal employer ran the social they seen a person who lyed on an app. and since her current employer wouldnt give her more hours i had to go back before i even seen my doctor.
i am going to have to be more b***hie when it comes to my kids and i needing stuff over her.
i thought about the couples therapy, but the way i see it is why waste money on it when she refuse to work on it alone with me. n why should i pay to hear someone say your wrong for not letting her do her change and for not going along with it. but after 7 years of knowing my spouse as a guy then all of a sudden it changes with in a few days. and know i have to use the other pronoun just like that. but what she dont realize is its hard if not harder for me to get use to this and except it then it is for her.she gets mad at me and yells at me when i am talking about her and i accidentlly say he/his/him. and she gets mad at the kids and tells them to shut up when they call her daddy. well im sorry but thats what they know her as and shes NOT mommy and wont ever be mommy but she wants them to call her mommy or aunt but when they dont know whats going on they dont understand and since they are 7, 2 and 1 month.
she is trying to make me be a lesbian and im not like that. she trys to force me to kiss her and hold her hand out in public but i wont and i cant do it. and she gets so mad at me. and she wont stand up for me when one of her co-workers calls her mommy when she knows it bothers me. 
and she dont think it hurts me when i am at work and everyone is talking about thier husbands and i cant join in the conversationbecause i no longer have one, most the time i get up and go to the bathroom and cry.
but i am really thinking about leaving not just for me but my kids. i dont want to leave because i love this person but i am not a lesbian and i dont like the way she is being about this whole thing.

[TamTam]

She really isn't handling it the way she should.  She isn't even going about transition the right way, if there was confusion about her name. It sounds like she's just behaving like a toddler.  There are two people in a relationship, and it looks like you're doing all the giving and she's doing all the taking.   Not only that, but she's not even communicating with you, making compromises, or thinking about how it affects anybody besides herself.  That's not right and not acceptable, in any big change, not just something like transition.

Do what's best for you and your children.  At this point, it doesn't look like she's going to change or understand how this is affecting you.  Don't ever feel guilty for doing what needs to be done.

[Diane]

You and your kids come first

[Ellieka]

In my opinion it's time to kick that person to the curb. No one deserves to be treated the way you have been treated. Its hurting you and your kids and will continue to do so until you extricate your self and them form that environment. No decent trans person would ever oppress another person this way knowing all to well how it feels to be forced to take a back seat. Furthermore no decent non trans person would treat another human being this way. Its selfish and wrong. Period.

[Robyn]

This is NOT the way it's supposed to work.  Obviously, your spouse has never heard the saying, 'Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.' 

You are her guardian angel, and she is driving away from you as fast as she can.  One day, she'll look up to find you and the kids gone and wonder why you are so 'heartless,' not why she has been so stupid.

One has to wonder what counseling her gender therapist has been giving her about transition and family.  So here is a thought:  Why don't you see the therapist and tell him/her what's going on and that you are near the point of leaving and taking the kids with you.  MAYBE the therapist will read your spouse the riot act and effect some much needed change.

Robyn

[Windrider]

i thought about the couples therapy, but the way i see it is why waste money on it when she refuse to work on it alone with me. n why should i pay to hear someone say your wrong for not letting her do her change and for not going along with it.

Um, a *good* therapist will NEVER say something like this. If they do, run. In the "olden" days (which were not so long ago), most therapists told their T* patients that they HAD to get a divorce if they were married. HAD TO. There was no choice in this matter - for either spouse. Today, therapists have realized that marriages CAN survive, if both spouses are willing to work at it. Therapists are there to help facilitate the communication. It's not easy, because the person who is transitioning must take it slower than they'd like, and we as spouses need to try to catch up. But it can be done.

My wife and I are in couple's therapy and we have found it extremely beneficial. We needed to repair our communication channels and change behaviors that were destructive to our relationship.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your spouse values your marriage, your children or you at all. TamTam hit on something that stood out to me, but I'd word it a bit stronger - your spouse is acting like a spoiled brat.

Demanding that you instantly change is both stupid and wrong. Nothing changes overnight...and nothing changes in a vacuum either. Your children are far to young to make that change instantly as well. While it is true that younger children are more able to make the jump from "dad" to "mom", if they don't understand what's happening it's more likely to frighten them. Your spouse screaming at them is only going to reinforce some really negative things about your spouse, other people, and frighten them. And all your spouse is gaining by trying to force you do do things you are uncomfortable with, is distance. As I said, nothing changes in a vacuum, and your spouse's "force" is driving the change here. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to see the repercussions of her childish behavior. *sigh*

I don't like to advocate separating, but your marriage is *not* healthy for either you or your children. If your spouse can't get her act together and start acting *like a woman* then it may come to that for you. But only *YOU* can decide. We can only offer advice on that which you've told us and be here for you.

Best wishes and lots of hugs 

WR

[Kimberly]

I am very reluctant to say anything both in that I am a bit out of place as I am a girl born in a boy suit rather than the SO of one, but I don't recall it mentioned but I am guessing that she went from a fairly sane and reasonable person to this very childish state? I expect that in essence she's very childish in this because as we (transsexual we) age our mental age tends to snag somewhere in puberty. In my case I long thought I got stuck at around age 17. I am afraid her behavior indicates earlier. In essence what I am trying to point out is that she should grow out of this stage. That does not, however in my option justify her behavior, at all, in any way shape or form.

From what I can tell Justme, I would say you are not in the wrong by any means and in fact handling the situation better. But certainly things can be quite a lot better than this, and should be if your spouse will only realize and basically grow up in time. I think sadly that is about what it amounts too. Regardless, I hope that you might try directing her to this forum in that "we'll understand" and such given there are many transsexuals here whom are keenly aware how much the condition hurts and understand that overwhelming urgency and such. An thankfully we have quite a wonderful spectrum here with wonderful advice.

Hang in there kiddo, she should grow out of it in theory!

^*curtsy*

[Linda]

maybe she will read this as she is a memeber of this site and only talks to you all about this and leave me her wife out of it.

Hi justme.  I hope this helps.  Like Kimberly, I am not an SO, but identify mtf. I lost my understanding gg gf after 12 years years together because of my emotional selfishness. 11 years has gone by since she left and there is seldom a day I deeply regret my lack of understanding that her needs should have been more equal or greater than mine. There are two people in a relationship, and for it to work there must be compassion coming from all sides.

You need to do what is right for you and your children, and I hope she comes around to save the family.

I think you've come to the right place. Welcome to Susan's.

Linda

[cindybc]

Hi Justme hon
#1, is your partner working, like earning her own income?
#2, siting down with here and telling her what you have told us in your post here would be good for a starter, to inform her about the stress financially on the family assets, of which you are the sole contributor I gather.

Transsexuality and GID is a selfish infliction if I may call it that for a lack of another word. It is a need to do for survival thing but it should not be on the sole burden of the partner to deal with.

Transitioning is not a cheep proposition, your partner  will need a cash flow to accommodate her transitioning costs, which should not be your sole burden to bear, you have enough on your hands to look after yourself and the children.

If your spouse it truly trans and experiencing GID it does not mean that she can not think she still has a mind of her own no mater how tormented that mind might be.

Just to give you and Idea about what it's like to be trans and suffering GID, I was one of the lucky ones I didn't realy fight as much as some have here. I surrendered to what I knew I was powerless to, and just more or like did what I had to do to allow myself to become my true self.

From my Blog


As I read some of the posts here in the last couple of years I have cried at some of the sad and the tragic occurrences that befall some of our friends here because of wrong decisions they made that got them in deeper into the mire that transition can be at times. Finances, jobs, working the streets. And then you have you drama queens, not hard to tell them apart.

You also have those unfortunates that will never make it to surgery for whatever their reason, it is irrelevant. It is the decision that you make even before you start the road to transition that will mark the beginning of a life-transforming journey. Are you ready for that? Is this realy what you truly want to do with your life?

This is a life commitment, you can't change directions in mid course. It is a need that is relentless, not just a want. Sometimes it gets to the point that one has the need or feels the need so deeply that they contemplate suicide if they can't move forward in accomplishing this life altering phase, living full time as female/male which, by the way, is for life. So is this need deep and strong enough that you would be willing to take a chance to die on the operating table in order to be free to be who you truly are? I beleive these souls are serious about fulfilling their lifelong need.

I beleive my mate is the most important thing in my life to me. I love her like nothing else I ever have before in my life except my dearly departed mom. Outside of having already transformed to be who I am she is my life, she is my essence. She told our doctor yesterday that she would sooner die on the table than to remain the way she is. If that be so, I will follow her in to the next dimension as well, maybe get the same seat on that intergalactic Greyhound Bus.

We all go through some very profound changes in characteristics, experiences, feelings, and emotions as transitioning transsexual. Like my love Wing Walker would say, like being dragged through a knot hole backwards..

Cindy

   

 

[Kim]

Hi Justme,
    Your wife needs some boundries set by both you and her. This is the kind of situation where marriages fail for TG's. Sorry to say that. Unfortunately, you don't seem to have much money so there is no point in recommending counselling to help you. Your wife needs to slow herself down. I don't know how old your kids are but the older they are the harder it is on them too. Transition is difficult and we all have different goals. If you don't have money to afford a doctor's appointment then she has to realize surgery is not an option for her right now so these appointments don't serve a purpose. She also has to keep pace with you if she wants to stay married. You need time to grieve the lost of a husband and time to accept you are married to a woman. This, depending on the person, takes time. I am intersexed and yet our marriage is stronger than ever. The reason is that I constantly look over my shoulder to be sure my wife is able to keep up to my pace. If not, I slow down and wait.
   And as others have already said, your wife needs to get her priorities straight. If she comes home with a $200 dress and the kids go to bed with stomachs growling from hunger then they will eventually resent her. As for you, she needs to realize something I picked up on from your post. You are very supportive of her. Most spouses still use the male pronouns, but you refer to her by the proper pronouns, which a lot of spouses find hard to do for the first while. And if she is not on harmones then, sorry to say this, but a bra is only an accessory that is not really neccessary yet. I am assuming she is TS and not IS here mind you. I am IS to the extreme so they say, in that I have only one male part, the one they used to determine I was male at birth, so for me a bra is very neccessary.
    One thing she needs to realize is the same thing I have said to others having a hard time to transition for whatever the reason. Her mind is female and she is fully in belief of that, which is fine. So if she believes and feels she is a woman then she is. She does not need to convince the world of that. I have seen bio ladies out there who look butch and it doesn't bother them, even when they get sirred by a cashier. So as long as sheknows she is a woman, and you know, then she has all she needs. We can't change the world. It's like you. I am sure you have those days of stepping out with no make up, wearing jeans and t-shirt. Are you any less a woman? So many TG's aim to convince the world they are woman and so many get depressed if they feel they failed. Your wife needs to find reality and simmer down. Things will happen in time. We don't need to go from 0-60 over night. Speeding through the process is the most dangerous thing she can do. She will allienate you and the kids, her only support network so far. If she does this then she will have nothing but sadness and an emptiness she won't be able to fix on her own. You need to find a way through to her. She needs to share more. You seem to be a great support and only want the best for both of you. She needs to learn from you. You are trying to share, you sacrifice so she gets what she don't seem to need (bras etc). She needs to do the same as you. She has to be able to share and sacrifice for you and the kids. Good luck,
                                                                          Kim   

[Nicky]

Hi Justme,

I just wanted to add my support to you. You sound very brave and strong but also under a huge amount of presure - you are carrying your whole family.

Do you see your marriage surviving this once she transitions fully?

Financial pressure seems to be the immediate worry here and probably should be delt with first. You sound like the sole earner. Just a suggestion - create a new account that only you have access to for household expenses. Have another account for personal spending for you and your partner (which will have very little in it by the sounds of it). I think it would help to protect your family. You could try to sit down with your partner and do a budget. Cold hard numbers are hard to argue with. What do you think?

I wish you all the best and hope things improve.

[cindybc]

Here is one of those ladies, one in a million, Goodness how lucky can your TS spouse be. Many of us would get on our knees and beg for such a spouse as you.

I found my love after I had already transitioned. at 55 years of age, you wanna bet I was on my knees thanking my maker for my partner and I am so ever grateful for her and I love her with of my heart.

God has been good, as she would say.

Cindy

[tekla]

she has more bras and panties then i do but yet i cant get me any new ones, she always has to butt in and get her some so i always put my stuff back and cry because i couldnt get the stuff i need. and same goes for when i get my kids stuff she always has to get her stuff too.

Sounds to me like this person is not ready for an intimate relationship with someone else, much less, marriage, much less - kids.  Kids have to come first, then the two of you, if one party needs, and the other only wants, then at some point the 'needs' are more important then mere 'wants.'