Shopping fears in Ashville

[Fox]

Well when my therapist asked me about what goals i would like to acomplish in our sessions I told her I would like to get over my fear of dressing in public in preeration for the eventual RLT. One of the things she told me was to start shifting my wardrobe toward the femine side slightly. Nothing major just stuff that would be enough to possibly make people wonder such as femine cut t-shirts and pants. I agreed with this idea and liked the sound of it. Yesterday i was supposed to go shopping with my female friend in Asheville NC. I was so excited about this and a bit scared as well since she wanted me to shave and pull my hair back in a ponytail and pass me off as her quiet shy female friend. However I was crushed when she called and canceled on me and this was the only time she could go before my next scheduled therapy apointment. After long mental debate ive decided to summon up the balls I wish I didn't have and to just go myself when i wake up. I have tried to find some web resources of some Tg friendly places to clothes shop in asheville but have come up with nothing. Well i have still decided to go although instead of a bit scared im now very scared and it dosen't help matters that i really have no idea what im doing or looking for. To make matters worse I have a absolutely dreadful sense of direction and do not know asheville that well at all yet. I really hate being lost and im probably gonna get lost a few times today. Anyway I sent a email to my therapist and hope she responds with some locations so I have an idea before I leave tommorow and if anyone viewing this post has knowledge of the Ashville are I would definatly appreciate the any input.

[kephalopod]

Possibly not quite the advice you want to hear, but the best thing you can do is just stop worrying about it. Most of the trick of negotiating public spaces and gender presentation lies in not making a big deal of it. Just don't make it obvious that you're nervous, and most people won't even begin to suspect that there's anything out of the ordinary going on, or if they do, they'll keep it to themselves because, after all, what kind of complete a** gives a perfect stranger crap in public like that?

Just try to relax and enjoy yourself. Take it easy, don't do more than you feel comfortable doing, and get a feel for the experience. Next time, you'll be less nervous.

[Kate]

I have tried to find some web resources of some Tg friendly places to clothes shop in asheville but have come up with nothing...

No need for "TG friendly" places. Just shop wherever you want. The more you do it, the more you'll realize that no one is paying attention to you. They're caught up in their own shopping and errands.

When I was starting out, I bought women's versions of men's khakis and polo shirts. Worked well for me

Kate

[Fox]

Thanks for the advice I think im more worried about a sales rep comming up and asking me if i need any help after seeing my confused look

[Kate]

Thanks for the advice I think im more worried about a sales rep comming up and asking me if i need any help after seeing my confused look

"Sure, I'm looking for some nice women's business slacks in size..."

Just let 'em draw their own conclusions. If you pass, it's a moot point. If you don't, they'll probably assume you're shopping for a GF or something. Or actually they probably won't think about it at ALL. They're just there doing their job, wondering what to make for dinner when they get home. We're just not as fascinating to people as we fear or think.

Kate

[Janet_Girl]

Being in retail, I can tell you that most of the clerks are so bored that they don't care.  And if they do see something, it will be conversation at break or lunch.  It is very unlikey that they well page it overhead.

"Attention Kmart Shoppers.  We have a ->-bleeped-<- on Isle Ten."

They just want the day to end so they can go do whatever with their friends.  Go do what we women do best.

Just watch out for the crowd of women shoppers running at you, with their Credit cards in hand.  "CHARGE..................IT"

[Fox]

Well that was an interesting experinece. As I feared I did make several wrong turns (direction sense of a 3 year old) but finally found goodwill which i went o first got a pair of womens cargo pants and 2 shirts. The pants are fine but I think I overdid it on the shirts. One of them i like and looks pretty good but its has a small V line but gona try that one in public. That went ok clerk did look at me and go these aren't mens shirts and I just said it was my sisters birthday he said ok. Next I went to belks at the Asheville mall since i realized I missed on the shirt. So I went in found a rep and asked for help told them I was shooping for my sisters birthday and she has a very similar build. I got a pair of tight black jeens and a black turttleneck. Everything seemed to go ok then I got home. The turttle next is great feels and looks good only problem is it makes my small not male breast very apparent (k so maybe ill try a sports bra or binding some). The jeans which are a size 7 are very tight but fight perfect problem there is that they are litteraly skin tight and unless I tuck tight leaves a apparent bulge (sigh and i always thought I was on the small end for male anatomy) plus the rep didn't take the stupid plastic anti theft tag off. the cargo pants ill def where tommorow butr only real dif from a guys on them is small pockets and maybe ill try the black shirt with the small V line but I don't know how apparent that is going to seem. 

[CypherEnigma]

I'm from the same area, just outside of Asheville in Swannanoa. I attend Warren-Wilson College and I know the anxiety that you've had. I'm a freshman at WW and we had a Gay-friendly meet-and-greet and dance party the first week I was here. Back home I'm pretty closeted so the most I had really done was borrow nail polish(I know it isn't much). I decided I really wanted to get a skirt so I went into Asheville and went looking around and I saw MY skirt. I picked it off the rack on the street and walked in and it had one of those markers on it that beeps when you go out of the store, but since I was coming in off the street it went off. I was MORTIFIED!!! And so after the initial embarrassment, I went to the back of the store past the cashier and went into one of the changing rooms to try it on. Thankfully it fit and I stepped back out into the store and I walked up to the cashier and put my skirt on the counter and handed her my card. And oh-so-awkwardly I tried to pass it off as I was buying it for a friend. The clerk just looked at me and said, "A friend huh?"(it might have been the turquoise nail polish I was wearing or the fact that I tried it on). After I got my card back I grabbed it and stuffed it into my back pack and scurried out of the store embarrassed. But compared to what I was expecting it was nothing.
My skirt is VERY loved. Its got a few cig burns and one of the drawstrings decided to break the other night, but both are of my own fault. Its not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, and I hope that the experience was the same for you!

[Fox]

Interesting experience and thanks for sharing wow if the alarm had gone off like that for me I don't think I would have had the courage to try it on or where nail polish in public(although I acidently did once when I had black nail polish on my toes and forgot and wore some flip flops ). The experience wasn;t near as bad as I was dreading but I wish i had made better choices in my clothes selection oh well at least I know a bit more for next time. BTW if you don't mind me asking have you ever gone to a Phoenix Support meeting since you live in that area I haven't yet but was definatly considering going to one at the advice of my therapist.

[kae m]

When I was starting out, I bought women's versions of men's khakis and polo shirts. Worked well for me
Kate

I've basically borrowed that.  I hate polo shirts though, and I can't get away with women's khakis at work quite yet (I work in sales, even though my group is not in front of customers they give us a hard time if anything is "off" about our clothing).  But I don't even think I have a pair of guy's jeans that would fit me anymore.  Maybe if I dug through the closet I could find something, but there's really no reason.  I was so nervous just a few months ago about wearing anything out, I played through all these scenarios in my head about how people would react and what I would do......months later, I've had exactly one incident where anyone's even noticed something, and it was a group of 14-16 year old girls outside a book store.  14-16 year old girls commenting on my clothing doesn't exactly bother me.

Thankfully it fit and I stepped back out into the store and I walked up to the cashier and put my skirt on the counter and handed her my card. And oh-so-awkwardly I tried to pass it off as I was buying it for a friend. The clerk just looked at me and said, "A friend huh?"(it might have been the turquoise nail polish I was wearing or the fact that I tried it on). After I got my card back I grabbed it and stuffed it into my back pack and scurried out of the store embarrassed. But compared to what I was expecting it was nothing.

The only bad experiences I've had in stores have been either - with 16-25ish male cashiers, or when I've felt the need to justify to the clerk what I'm buying.  Since then I've looked for women at the registers, and just not said anything more than I need to beyond "hi", "have a nice day", and a smile.

[CypherEnigma]

I haven't been to a Phoenix Support group. I remember seeing a stand for them at Asheville PrideFest but the biggest limitation for me is that since I'm a freshman college student I can't have a car on campus. Ergo I cant stay in town past 8:30pm on a week day and cant get into town till 4:30, or at all on a Sunday. Apart from PrideFest I haven't had much success in town. On campus we have a monthly support group for GBLTQ students which has been a tremendous help. But as I also said, back home I suppressed much of this feeling in me, so college has been my chance to step into my body. Its all very new and I might try to attend, just have to find a way to make it work with my damned limitations.

[Fox]

That really sucks about the car. Ive been in that situation before and it's not fun. I would offer you a ride sometime but I figure it would seriously freak you out that some person youve never met in person and know nothign about is offering to be polite off after reading a forum post on a website. Im just the kind of person with no paranoia factor who assumes out of all the people on the net its statistacly unlikely that im going to meet a crazed killer. My trust in people has definatly gotten me into trouble in the past useualy in financial situations but i refuse to live in fear and I hold people worthy of trust till they show me otherwise.

[Hypatia]

My first time shopping, I went to Target and looked through the clearance racks of ladies' wear. I found a couple of long black skirts, one of them with a matching cardigan, and a pink knit top. I could not bring myself to approach the fitting rooms, so I held up the clothes to my body and eyeballed the sizes as best I could. I guessed my size correctly, so that went well. After that I knew which sizes to look for.

Cashiers are nothing to be afraid of, especially in Target which is large and impersonal, and has a queer-friendly reputation to boot. I have never had the least problem all the years I've been shopping at Target (except for one clerk who gave me attitude, but was also rude to all the customers and was fired soon after). But stay away from JC Penney.

That went ok clerk did look at me and go these aren't mens shirts and I just said it was my sisters birthday he said ok.

If anybody says that again you can just pay no attention and wait for them to finish ringing it up and if they repeat did you hear me I said these aren't mens shirts and give you a funny look you can say politely in an I'm-not-here-for-conversation tone of voice just ring it up please and what else can they do I mean just shop as you please and never apologize or even explain.

You can even act puzzled, like "What is your problem?" It's their job to make sales, not to gender-police the customers. Just drop your shoulders and relax your body; put on a bored expression, like it's a mundane everyday routine, and nobody will care.

[Fox]

Well ive decided when I wake up tommorow im going to wear the turtle neck to school after some improvised light binding of my chest with a medical band left over from my physical therapy. The irony of the situation is so strong its comic here I am a girl born in the body of a boy doing my damndest to change my body to that of a girl and now im binding the breast i worked so hard for to pass as the guy I wish I wasn't in a public setting in college. Whoever said the universe dosen't have a sense of humor.

[Hypatia]

Yes, sister. Binding your breasts? At the moment, you are temporarily "transgender"-- i.e. FTM. LOL
It doesn't get more ironic than that. Someday, hopefully soon, you'll be able to drop the FTM transgenderness and just be the woman you are.

[Rita Irene]

Heres what I found helps...think to yourself "Im shopping for my girlfriend" If you go to a dept store...pick up a mushy birthday card & some candles. When you check out make sure the card is up and visible...Ive even gotten a "Aww, your so sweet" from cashiers.

Even the searching through racks somehow seems eaiser whe you think about it this way.

[Rita Irene]

Oh yeah, most often no one is paying attention anyway!

Think about when youve gone shopping for something you wanted that was non genderish....did you watch everyone else? I bet you didnt...you were focused on what you were doing.

Its all our perspective.

[sd]

If you are really worried...
Find the card section and grab a birthday card. Carry that with you, and pretend you are buying for a friend.

It works.

You can return the card before you leave, or use it through checkout, it'is not like they are that expensive. Eventually you will not need it but it can make you much more at ease.

[straightedgechris]

don't be afraid in asheville. its a very progressive city (for the south)...i lived there for a few years, met my partner there, love it, love it. no worries. be yourself.
oh and get coffee (and books) at malaprop's!

[tekla]

Given the current retail environment they ought to be happy to see anyone shopping.  Goodwill, et. all. are nice, but you can find some other stores, Lane Bryant or Torrid that are pretty good too.