I suppose I could try to talk to my parents about it, but I think the only thing I really need right now is someone to talk to, and to be by myself. I don't want to go back to school, because I don't feel safe there. Nobody knows that I'm transgendered at school, and maybe that makes it worse, trying to dodge questions about my gender, and pretend everything's ok. But it's not ok. Not anywhere close.
I'm sick of feeling bad all the time, and each day that passes, it only gets worse. I knew there was a breaking point coming soon, and I guess this is it. Not the final break, hopefully, because if it is, then that means the end of my life. But I'm so broken right now, I can barely say a word without bursting into tears.
My brain is trying to kill me, and I can't escape what's inside of me. I can't run, and I can't hide. There's no escape. It's times like these that make me want to just get it over with, but some part of me (mostly the larger part) knows that I don't want to die yet. But I want some relief from the pain.
I suppose I could try to find a therapist, because I've known I needed it for a long time. But I just still can't figure out how to let them know. It's not like I can go up to them and say 'I'm feeling suicidal. I need counciling.' That's just too hard.
I'm not sure which part is making me feel worst, but I know that being Transgendered is definitely up there on my list. Failing math just piles on top. I used to be such a good student, especially at math, but now I can barely keep up. It's like a balance. First, the weights are even (feeling good vs. bad). Then, you add a brick to the bad side. Now the balance is way off. And everyday, you find something new that has to be thrown onto the bad side of the scale, until the scale breaks from the weight. Sure, some good things might come and land on the good side of the balance, but they're too small and too infrequent to make any difference.
