I've been feeling so bad lately (even worse than usual). Especially this morning. I found out I was failing math, and that I have until Friday to make up the missing work, or I'll be dropped to the same class I was in last year. I don't want to go back there, but I don't want to stay here. But anyway, I was sitting there after my teacher told me that, and I felt so horrible, I thought I was going to throw up and cry at the same time. My mind was racing for a way out. It found only one. Suicide. I don't want to die, but I don't think I can take any more of this world. I need your help. What can I do to make myself feel better? Everything is collapsing on itself, and pretty soon, nothing will be left standing.

I don't know how to talk to my parents about it, I'm just so afraid. They don't understand, but I wish they did.

I'm still searching for something else, and just going to school tomorrow might be too much for me. But the only way I could not go would be to stay at home without telling my parents (neither of them will be home tomorrow). Please help me. I don't even have enough left of me to control the tears that have been streaming from my face for the past 15 minutes. Please help.

No math course is worth killing yourself.  Hell I failed HS algebra and still would up working in nuclear physics.  Nothing is set in stone.

If you don't want to die, then you don't want to die.  This is just a rough patch, and it's good you realized that.

Take a deep breath.. would it be so horrible to repeat a class?  Is it so hard to make up the work by Friday, if you break it up into manageable pieces and do a little each day?

Don't try to control the tears, let them flow, they are healing. Tears are the body's natural, built-in way to release emotion and clear the mind.  That's a fact, not mushy mumbo-jumbo, so cry as much as you like and don't feel bad about it.  And remember that no matter what happens right now, this time next year, it will be in the past.  It will be only a memory.  And this time next year comes quicker than you think.

School is so NOT worth killing yourself over.  Talk to your parents.  They just may be more understanding than you'd guess.

Jay

Quote from: tekla on November 03, 2008, 08:43:57 PM
No math course is worth killing yourself.

That's true... but it was more the combined weight of everything else, and that just seemed to break the scale.

And I know that I don't want to die, but I need something to let me get through this. I'm so afraid. I just don't know what to do. I just try to take it day by day, and that's hard enough, and now it's even harder.

Do you guys think I should go see my school counselor? I don't think he'd be much help, especially since I don't even really know what's wrong. I know about my being transgendered, but surely that can't be the cause as to why I didn't do the work. I just... didn't do it. I couldn't get myself to do it.

I need to tell someone. I need help. But it seems that nothing this world has to offer could really help.

What part is making you feel the worst, or is it just that you have so much happening at once?

You mentioned failing math, but I think the reason it is so bad is that it comes on top of feeling bad lately. It sounds like you have reached a pretty low point and maybe you need to seek professional help. How would you feel about that, is it a possibility?  Their job is to help you work out the why, you don't need to know why to go talk to them.

Perhaps you could consider confiding in your parents about how you are feeling. I know that you said you don't know how to talk to them about it. Perhaps you could start with how you are feeling, that you feel like you might hurt yourself and tell them what you need e.g. unconditional support, access to counciling, some space to clear you head, whatever you feel you need right now. It might be you can't talk to them right now about the why but you could ask them to help you find a councillor or therapist so that you can talk about it with someone. How would you feel about doing this?

I suppose I could try to talk to my parents about it, but I think the only thing I really need right now is someone to talk to, and to be by myself. I don't want to go back to school, because I don't feel safe there. Nobody knows that I'm transgendered at school, and maybe that makes it worse, trying to dodge questions about my gender, and pretend everything's ok. But it's not ok. Not anywhere close.

I'm sick of feeling bad all the time, and each day that passes, it only gets worse. I knew there was a breaking point coming soon, and I guess this is it. Not the final break, hopefully, because if it is, then that means the end of my life. But I'm so broken right now, I can barely say a word without bursting into tears.

My brain is trying to kill me, and I can't escape what's inside of me. I can't run, and I can't hide. There's no escape. It's times like these that make me want to just get it over with, but some part of me (mostly the larger part) knows that I don't want to die yet. But I want some relief from the pain.

I suppose I could try to find a therapist, because I've known I needed it for a long time. But I just still can't figure out how to let them know. It's not like I can go up to them and say 'I'm feeling suicidal. I need counciling.' That's just too hard.

I'm not sure which part is making me feel worst, but I know that being Transgendered is definitely up there on my list. Failing math just piles on top. I used to be such a good student, especially at math, but now I can barely keep up. It's like a balance. First, the weights are even (feeling good vs. bad). Then, you add a brick to the bad side. Now the balance is way off. And everyday, you find something new that has to be thrown onto the bad side of the scale, until the scale breaks from the weight. Sure, some good things might come and land on the good side of the balance, but they're too small and too infrequent to make any difference.

http://www.hopeline.com/

Completely anonymous, toll-free phone number where you can call in 24/7 and talk to people who volunteer their time specifically to help people who are at the end of their rope. If it's too hard to talk to someone face to face, how about over the phone?

Quote from: TamTam on November 03, 2008, 09:55:09 PM
http://www.hopeline.com/

Completely anonymous, toll-free phone number where you can call in 24/7 and talk to people who volunteer their time specifically to help people who are at the end of their rope. If it's too hard to talk to someone face to face, how about over the phone?

Thanks.

Like Tekla said, no math course is worth killing yourself over. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad..But suicide won't solve anything. Life has it's bumps and all of them are conquerable. I'll pray for you The_Unforgiven

I now just how you fill. iv got so bad at times iv cut myself cuz i felt like there is nothing to live for. iv been trying for 2 years to fine a job and nothing they take one look at me and its a no you can tell by there face. and it gets me down so much i have not one friend to talk about to it and my mum has enough probs of her own.  so i get really depressed and upset that i just dont want to live anymore. there are days were i fill on top of the world and days were i dont want to live. and more often i dont want to be here.

I hope you're doing alright Unforgiven, and I'm sorry I didn't see this thread before. I know what you mean by everything being so overwhelming that something as small as a math class was what finally broke you...and I hope that you used that hopeline resource.

Hang in there bro, it gets better!!

Quote from: trapthavok on November 08, 2008, 12:39:23 PM
Hang in there bro, it gets better!!

I hope so. That event caused me even more irreversible damage. I'm so scared to go to school tomorrow... even though I have Tuesday off for Veteran's day. I only have to survive one day then I have a day off... but yet, even that seems impossible.

This has even gone into physical pain. I mean, I've been finding that my shoulder becomes sore even if I haven't done anything with it, and my chest was hurting on the drive back home from my mom's house tonight. There were certain things I was thinking about... just all of a sudden, my chest would hold up like I was choking, but I wasn't. Like the sensation of choking without losing air. I could still breathe, but it felt harder, even though it wasn't. 

Unforgiven, I know what you mean.