So...
I came to a big realization tonight while @ work, which is a shame because I do all my best thinking there or in bed when I'm trying to go to sleep. It's not like this is the first time I thought about it, but it finally came together, cleared my vision of the road that lies ahead of me, and hit me like a ton of bricks. WHAM!!!!
Hopefully this will help out any others who are struggling or are unsure just how much preparation and work should go into their transition.
Pre-HRT, I felt like it would be such an insurmountable task for me to pass in my new gender role. I had come to accept that maybe passing wasn't all that important to me. Maybe I would just take hormones and not worry about trying to look or act the part. I kinda liked my voice so why should I try to change it. For that matter, why should I try to change anything about myself other than wearing different clothes. Nobody would care anyway and all that mattered was that I was doing the right thing and that I was happy.
At the same time, I felt this incredible urge to do everything possible to be female. Not just female, but the total package. Physically, mentally, personality, hobbies, likes/dislikes, emotionally, voice, vocabulary, wardrobe, the works! Anything and everything to be as close to the real deal. No stone left unturned.
But, this is quite a struggle to be having with oneself, as I'm sure plenty can imagine. In fact it's almost as big of a hurdle, if not bigger, than deciding to transition in the first place! This coming to terms with your transition and what it means for yourself is a harder trick to pull, I think.
Well, I like watching this show on VH1 called The Pick-Up Artist. On the surface, they take naive and inexperienced guys and try to turn them into masters of seduction so that they can pick up women anywhere, anytime. But, it's way more than just that! They are teaching these guys to project a positive self-image, be more self-confident and outgoing, and therefore giving them the tools to obtain the happiness that comes with being successful in the male gender role.
I like to watch the guys go through this transition and ultimately end up being alpha males, or at least on the path. In order to do this, for a time, they have to pretend to be something they are not and see themselves as what they want to become until they finally are that way naturally.
WHAM!! So it hit me that I was actually transitioning. I wasn't choosing how I wanted to transition. If it is going to be done, it must be done to the fullest extent possible, and then some more for good measure. I was not going to wake up one day and just be a woman. Much like that fantasy, I was not going to learn how to be a woman by cutting my corners and neglecting to replace certain male traits with female traits of my choosing. I was not going to wake up one day and know how to be a woman. I would have to actively work at this. I will have to work through the nervousness, the stress, the bad days, and the mistakes because this is the only way I am going to learn. It is not enough for me to be happy with just knowing that I am a woman on the inside. I have to work harder and harder so that I will be successful in my new gender role. Only this will reinforce my happiness and continue to support me throughout my life.
My eyes are opened.
