pretending like i don't care what others think

[michael]

Hello,

I'm sort of new...don't post very often yet or know many of you but i hope to do more of both.

i'm usually an independent person, and somewhat brave (sorry no modesty) and often i don't care what other people think of me.

i lived in a city, for awhile, and slowly got more comfortable looking more and more male.
now i've moved back to a more rural-ish, middle of the country place.

so far, things have really been allright. i'm not on hormones or anything at all so far, but i often pass as a young man.  my names and ids are all female.

when certain things happen, i start to feel very lonely.  like if i surprise someone in the bathroom who thinks i shouldn't be there or they are in the wrong place, or if i confuse the ladies at voter registration, or just the 100 times i go somewhere, get rung up and all, and the moment i finally open my mouth and say "thank you!" in a higher pitched voice than they think i should have, and i get confused looks instead of the usual "you're welcome" etc.

i was trying to explain my feelings on another forum i'm on.  the first: being worried when i catch people looking at me a certain way, worried that they'll follow me or something.  they don't.  but it's a worry. second: sometimes it seems like there's more of these awkward exchanges in my life than real, "normal", friendly ones.  probably because i don't know many people.  but it starts to drain me a bit.  of course i say "i don't care what people think" but i notice people's expressions, i notice if i make them feel awkward (when women run into me) or they look a bit alarmed and defensive (when men run into me).  if they're high schoolers, i say "oh, they're young, arrogant kids, pay no attention." and i ignore them. but every once in awhile i go home and just feel worn down to crying because it seems there's only about 5 people i talk to in a comfortable way.

anyways...my friends at the other forum were supportive but i don't think they understand completely what i'm talking about.  they kept saying "oh i'm cool with gender bending" and so on.  they are great but i think i need to talk with folks who have this go on all the time.  i don't think my other online friends understand.

just looking for some "oh, i know that feeling" and how y'all deal with it. does it get better??  i'm hoping as folks in town get to know me it will.

[Nicky]

I get similar reactions.

But it wears me down too. I often feel very lonely and disconected. I guess I try to deal with it by cultivating good friends (of which I only have a couple), going out of my way. Making an effort to be a good person. Visiting family. But more often than not I don't deal with it that well and escape into books, and computer games. I don't know if it really gets easier but I have found I have grown a bit thicker skined.

I feel bad for people that think they have mistaken me for another gender and then correct themselves. I feel almost apologetic that I made them feel embarresed when the need not be.

[michael]

I feel bad for people that think they have mistaken me for another gender and then correct themselves. I feel almost apologetic that I made them feel embarresed when the need not be.

yes, that's exactly how i feel about that! i jump in, almost interrupting and say "that's allright-so, how is..."etc. and i DON'T correct people when they call me "he"...which, i guess, is kind of tricky...cause if they do find out they feel even MORE embarrassed, and then i feel like a real jerk for enjoying their "mistake."

[Saraloop]

 Well, it doesn't sound like you don't care what people think; it sounds like you want to not care what people think.  That's what I want too. It's hard though. If you continue your lifestyle then you are the one who has to cope, since you can't control how others think.

Does it get easier? Yes, definitely. People can grow more confidence all the time... sure, sometimes on bad days it'll seem like you've lost some of it, but don't let that get you down.. a good relaxed attitude makes a whole world of difference. You're free to live your life how you want, and others are free to react to it how they want. That's how things roll so don't be ashamed of your lifestyle.

[Janet_Girl]

I think that, for me at least, it is a want to not care about others opinions, but I think everyone want to know what others think of them.  It is part of finding one's place in the world.  'How I am I viewed by others?'  'Am I fitting in ok?'

Somewhere along that way we develop a "I am ok with myself, and that is fine" and then we really are that aware of others reactions.

Does that make any sense?

[michael]

thanks, saraloop! and yes janet, i think that makes sense (i like your signature btw!).  i suppose moving to a new place makes me more concerned about fitting in than usual, and yeah, that's natural, huh?

definitely comes and goes, usually i AM ok with myself. just have bad days, like you said saraloop, and think "where the hell did this come from!?"
otherwise i'm usually fairly confident, outgoing, funny, and get along with new people very well. 

you're right that i can't really control their reactions.  i was talking to a friend about it and told him how i felt bad or guilty for making others feel uncomfortable.  he said, "you are not making them feel uncomfortable, they are making themselves feel uncomfortable."

sometimes i feel way too responsible for the feelings of others!  as if i'm the center of the planet, lol!