Need some advice..

[Tommy]

I met my boyfriend, who is FtM, over the internet around two years ago. We've been dating for about 14 months and about last month he came out to me.

Shortly afterwards, I came out to him and told him I was a pansexual and I didn't have a problem with him being a FtM. I've stumbled with pronouns several times; I still do it. I try my hardest to make sure I use masculine pronouns because I want to be supportive.

We've met each other twice in-person; both times w[size=inherit]her[/size]e before he realized he is FtM. When he came out to me, I told him I supported him and I didn't have a problem with it at all. He told me he was nervous that I would break up with him because 'it wouldn't be a male/female relationship' anymore, but I reassured him several times that I still love him just as much (if not more; now that we're both more open with each ot[size=inherit]her[/size]).

Recently though, his mom was been giving him a -lot- of trouble with the FtM transition.
She constantly tells him "that the devil is finding his way into you" and even had the nerve to link him to an article via email stating that he was an 'abomination'.

Since we're so far apart (I'm on Orlando, Florida and he's in Williamson, Georgia) t[size=inherit]her[/size]e's only so much I can do. He says I make him feel better when he's down, but he's been very depressed about how his mom suggests it's 'the internets fault that you think this' or 'God didn't do this; it's the devil's work'.

On top of that, his mot[size=inherit]her[/size]'s exboyfriend (who is already a major source of stress for him from past events that I'd rather not go into) found an article he printed out to show his mom and shouts things like,
"Hah, why does she want to be a transexual? Hah."

Anot[size=inherit]her[/size] problem is that with me being pansexual, he feels as though I'm rejecting him because I still have a preference toward females and males. And I'm being honest and truthful when I tell him that his gender doesn't matter to me and I still love him reguardless and I won't shove him away because of this.

He constantly gets upset over it; which is understandable; because he's going through a very rough time with the transition, and his mot[size=inherit]her[/size]'s rejection of his transition, as well as worrying whet[size=inherit]her[/size] or not he's going to 'pass' when he's in public.

I just want some advice on what he could do to try and convince his mot[size=inherit]her[/size] that he's not a 'freak'...
I want him to be happy again.

And I hate to just, join this forum and instantly vent on all of you for my first post.
Thanks for reading.

[Tommy]

Since we're so far apart (I'm on Orlando, Florida and he's in Williamson, Georgia) t[size=inherit]her[/size]e's only so much I can do. He says I make him feel better when he's down, but he's been very depressed about how his mom suggests it's 'the internets fault that you think this' or 'God didn't do this; it's the devil's work'.

devil's work, ex boyfriend hey? *sheeze* i couldn't resist Tommy, i'm no freak or stalker, but Williamson is 25.7 miles from where i sit, *smack in the middle of the southern republican bible belt* not sure how to advise, ages involved here is always an important consideration, keep us posted, you've come to the right . . . er, BEST SPOT, but lol *i ain't makin any trips either to speak to mother nor boyfriend* lol

WelCome! 

(ps: oh, by the way, i'm MtF with the whole dynamic being quite different, for "her" to out "himself" like that in my book would be *very taboo here* i'd suggest she *retract*, recant, at least for the time being, before everything develops into a *major blowout* with family)

Thanks for replying~
I'm 18 and he's 16; his mom gets along with my family and she likes me; but she's so hurtful with what she says to my boyfriend that he's been really depressed. She wont acknowledge it.. she just says "it's the internet" or "it's just your mind".

He's coming down with his dad (who doesn't know about him coming out and being FtM yet) this weekend so I get to see him again finally c: I'm hoping that when I'm with him in person the two of us can think of a well thought out enough note or email for his mom to read to see that it's not a 'phase' or 'mental illness' and that it's something he wants to pursue.

[TamTam]

Hey!  Don't worry about venting on your first post, that's what we're here for.

I think it's awesome that he has you for support.  Why does your pansexuality make him feel bad?  Is it an insecurity thing because of everything else that's going on, does he think you see him as less of a man..?

I don't know what to say about his parents..  Problem is, sometimes people like that push back even harder when they're confronted, and some people cannot be reasoned with or convinced of something they don't want to be convinced of.  I wouldn't want him to write a letter and then have that upset his parents even more.  It might be easier to deal with when he's old enough to move out on his own, at least that way if his parents don't approve, he won't have to hear about it all day every day.

But on the other hand, it's not fair he has to go through that and stifle himself.  He deserves to have his parents, if not understand, then at least accept and be human about it.  I just don't know how much a letter would help, or what you could possibly say.  They could just as easily come back with the same tired arguments.  Is it possible for him to see a gender therapist and actually get a diagnosis on paper to wave in his parents' faces, or would that be impossible/make things worse?

Has he started presenting himself as male?  Wearing male clothes and stuff, getting a haircut?  Maybe if they see him presenting as male, they'll at least see he's serious about it?

[Tommy]

Hey!  Don't worry about venting on your first post, that's what we're here for.

I think it's awesome that he has you for support.  Why does your pansexuality make him feel bad?  Is it an insecurity thing because of everything else that's going on, does he think you see him as less of a man..?

I don't know what to say about his parents..   Problem is, sometimes people like that push back even harder when they're confronted, and some people cannot be reasoned with or convinced of something they don't want to be convinced of.  I wouldn't want him to write a letter and then have that upset his parents even more.  It might be easier to deal with when he's old enough to move out on his own, at least that way if his parents don't approve, he won't have to hear about it all day every day.

But on the other hand, it's not fair he has to go through that and stifle himself.  He deserves to have his parents, if not understand, then at least accept and be human about it.  I just don't know how much a letter would help, or what you could possibly say.  They could just as easily come back with the same tired arguments.  Is it possible for him to see a gender therapist and actually get a diagnosis on paper to wave in his parents' faces, or would that be impossible/make things worse?

Has he started presenting himself as male?  Wearing male clothes and stuff, getting a haircut?  Maybe if they see him presenting as male, they'll at least see he's serious about it?

Thanks c: I feel a lot better knowing that.

My pansexuality bothers him because he thinks I still view him as a female because he doesn't have the 'right equipment'.

Yeah, that's what I say too. But he's really depressed over it because even if he pretends to be a girl to please his parents, he just feels upset about it because of all the negativity he gets from her. I see your point about the letter; his mom probably would just snap back with the same arguments.

His mom probably wouldn't let him see a gender therapist though. That's a very good idea though. I'll ask him about that. He sees a psychologist, but for reasons before he decided to go FtM. His psychologist is trying to use proper pronouns; but from what I'm told, she stills slips at times.

He just got a haircut yesterday and he's always been into 'guys clothing' and such. He recently got a binder as well. He's had -several- fights with his mom over the haircut. One day she's fine with him getting it cut short and the next she's not. When he got the haircut he said it turned out like an 'emo hairstyle' since his mom wouldn't go much shorter than that since they had a fight over it -in- the haircut place.

But on the other hand, it's not fair he has to go through that and stifle himself.

All good points Tam Tam but @ 16? In Georgia? Mom can get "18" *locked up* for "contributing" . . .

Everybody needs to just "chill", dad in FL sounds like a good alternative. In Georgia a child can decide "which parent" (if divorced) @ 13 and school break is coming up . . . lol Florida schools? *shudders*

I only wish his dad was in Florida. He's in Georgia as well; his parents are divorced and his dad's taking him to Orlando to go to Disney and meet me (I've met his mom but not his dad at the moment).

[Nicky]

It sounds like you are doing what you can, just being supportive.

The whole thing about him having a problem with you being pansexual is really just his hang-up that he just needs to learn to deal with. Young males also are also fairly touchy around sexuality and are often insecure. Combine this with his trans issues and it is easy to see why he is struggling. 

[Tommy]

It sounds like you are doing what you can, just being supportive.

The whole thing about him having a problem with you being pansexual is really just his hang-up that he just needs to learn to deal with. Young males also are also fairly touchy around sexuality and are often insecure. Combine this with his trans issues and it is easy to see why he is struggling.

Yeah; that does make sense~
Thanks for clearing that up for me.

What should he do about his mom though?
Should he just ignore her and continue trying to pass?
Or what?

[TamTam]

It's hard for me to say because I don't have any experience with that.   I'd say.. if he can teach himself to have a thicker skin and let her words roll off his back, he'll have an easier time.  You cannot change the situation, but you can change how you let it affect you.  I don't mean that to sound callous, anyone would feel hurt and depressed in this situation.  But at some point... you can't count on things getting better, so what's left?  Either stay hurt and depressed for the next two years until he can move out, or... turn it into something manageable.

Talking back to people in your head helps.  Ignoring them helps.  Finding a support group helps.  Does he know about Susan's?

[Nicky]

What should he do about his mom though?
Should he just ignore her and continue trying to pass?
Or what?

Mmmm, difficult to say what would be the best for him.

Clear, non-panicky communication is very important. But some people just are not open to it. It will be a tough battle and getting upset and angry is not going to help things. I think they need to understand that there is no hurry in this, rushing ahead will only damage relationships in the long term.

If things get so bad at home that there is a danger they will get kicked out then go into survival mode. Make plans to leave when they are old enough and can afford it. Horde money, create a support network, get a job, that kind of thing. Become self sufficient. Once that happens they will be free to make their own choices. Sometimes just having a plan settles everything down.

But if they are desperate now and it is possible they are in danger of self harming then more immediate action needs to be taken. Some options could include moving in with a sympathetic relation, seeing the school councilor. They could appeal to their parent at a basic emotional level i.e. "I am in pain, I want to die, I need professional help, help me set this up". They don't need to go into more detail than that. This could open doors to getting parental support to seek professional help.

What do you think they should do?

(oh, just a thought about the pansexul thing - if you show you are attracted to his masculinity I think that would go a long way - they probably think you are only attracted to them as a female and they hate that part of themselves. Bit of ego stroking might help)

[Tommy]

It's hard for me to say because I don't have any experience with that.    I'd say.. if he can teach himself to have a thicker skin and let her words roll off his back, he'll have an easier time.  You cannot change the situation, but you can change how you let it affect you.  I don't mean that to sound callous, anyone would feel hurt and depressed in this situation.  But at some point... you can't count on things getting better, so what's left?  Either stay hurt and depressed for the next two years until he can move out, or... turn it into something manageable.

Talking back to people in your head helps.  Ignoring them helps.  Finding a support group helps.  Does he know about Susan's?

Yeah.. that's what I'm trying to tell him and I'm afraid I come off as mean by saying that he just needs to tune his mom out.

He doesn't know about Susan's but I mentioned it to him today~ You guys are a lot of help c: Thanks again.

What should he do about his mom though?
Should he just ignore her and continue trying to pass?
Or what?

Mmmm, difficult to say what would be the best for him.

Clear, non-panicky communication is very important. But some people just are not open to it. It will be a tough battle and getting upset and angry is not going to help things. I think they need to understand that there is no hurry in this, rushing ahead will only damage relationships in the long term.

If things get so bad at home that there is a danger they will get kicked out then go into survival mode. Make plans to leave when they are old enough and can afford it. Horde money, create a support network, get a job, that kind of thing. Become self sufficient. Once that happens they will be free to make their own choices. Sometimes just having a plan settles everything down.

But if they are desperate now and it is possible they are in danger of self harming then more immediate action needs to be taken. Some options could include moving in with a sympathetic relation, seeing the school councilor. They could appeal to their parent at a basic emotional level i.e. "I am in pain, I want to die, I need professional help, help me set this up". They don't need to go into more detail than that. This could open doors to getting parental support to seek professional help.

What do you think they should do?

(oh, just a thought about the pansexul thing - if you show you are attracted to his masculinity I think that would go a long way - they probably think you are only attracted to them as a female and they hate that part of themselves. Bit of ego stroking might help)

His mom wouldn't be the type to throw him out, but I've suggested that if he doesn't like it to try and move in with his grandparents or cousin that live nearby. And I've got a job, but honestly, at the age of 18 saving small paychecks like that will only get me so far; but I've been saving for an appartment when he's out of high school so that if he ended up here he could live with me away from any judgemental parents.

Sometimes he does feel like that, and that's what scares me the most. He tells me he wants to die and it's frustrating to be so physically far away from him to the point where I can only comfort him with a voice on the phone, y'know?

As for seeking help, he sees a Psychologist who has had other FtM and MtF patients, and he gets along with her great. His mom is a single parent that doesn't have enough spending money to just see a doctor to get documentation of his FtM to prove to her that he's serious. He's told his mom those exact things and she replies with "Get over it," and that really hurts..

I've offered him to live with me when I move out. That's what I'm hoping ends up happening. Thank you for your input, Nicky. c=

[Nicky]

It really does sounds like you are doing everything you can. Just listening openly and non-judgmentaly to them makes a huge difference. I work on a phone helpline and sometimes you just feel so powerless on the phone, but it does help.

This might sound callous but please don't plan on supporting him financially. It would be good for either of you. Also consider that he is not your burden. You are young, you love this man, you want to support him. But you are not responsible for his choices. If you end up getting drained by this relationship then only you end up the losser. You want the best start to your adult future and should consider the impact this relationship may have on that future.

[TamTam]

Try asking him what he would tell you to do if it were you in this situation instead of him.   What would he tell you to make you feel better?  Etc.  Sometimes that makes people realize things, because it makes them think about it as an outsider instead of as the one directly affected.  Alternatively, what do you think would make you feel better if you were in this situation?  And then take that answer and apply it.

You know what else you could do to show support, even though you're far away?  Snail mail.  Snail mail is awesome.  It's a physical link.   Send teddy bears, a shirt you wear a lot and smells like you, whatever you think will mean a lot to him and help him not feel alone.  Then when he's talking on the phone with you, it won't just be your voice, he'll have something of yours, too.

[Tommy]

It really does sounds like you are doing everything you can. Just listening openly and non-judgmentaly to them makes a huge difference. I work on a phone helpline and sometimes you just feel so powerless on the phone, but it does help.

This might sound callous but please don't plan on supporting him financially. It would be good for either of you. Also consider that he is not your burden. You are young, you love this man, you want to support him. But you are not responsible for his choices. If you end up getting drained by this relationship then only you end up the losser. You want the best start to your adult future and should consider the impact this relationship may have on that future.

Yeah, I know how it feels to think you're powerless. It just hurts to hear them crying on the other end of the phone line and you can only say 'It'll be okay..'.

You're right~ thanks for the input.

Try asking him what he would tell you to do if it were you in this situation instead of him.    What would he tell you to make you feel better?  Etc.  Sometimes that makes people realize things, because it makes them think about it as an outsider instead of as the one directly affected.  Alternatively, what do you think would make you feel better if you were in this situation?  And then take that answer and apply it.

You know what else you could do to show support, even though you're far away?  Snail mail.  Snail mail is awesome.  It's a physical link.    Send teddy bears, a shirt you wear a lot and smells like you, whatever you think will mean a lot to him and help him not feel alone.  Then when he's talking on the phone with you, it won't just be your voice, he'll have something of yours, too.

That's a really good idea TamTam c: Thank you.
You made it so easy to understand - and that's a really big help to me.

Mhmm~ we've done that before. I gave him some of my clothing and we mail each other gifts a lot c:
And I'll be sure to keep that up.

[Tommy]

Sorry to double post~

I got a chance to see him last weekend. We spent a few days together and went to Disney and talked about his transgender issue. I made him promise that he'd never hurt himself :c he let me know he wouldn't. It was a really sentimental thing for me though; it just sounds corny the way I explain it.

He passes amazingly too. With short hair and a binder he looks just like one of the guys c: He just lacks the confidence. He's still somewhat afraid to speak because he says his voice will give him away, but even so, a lot of people commented on him and used the right pronouns. It was awesome c: We had a great time, except for the occasional incident where his dad would refer to him as "Kayla" or "she/her". His dad doesn't know about it yet.

But now that he's back in Georgia and I'm still here in Florida, he's depressed again. I just feel bad 'cause like, I was the one who lifted his spirits and now he's back to being depressed because he's away from me.

[TamTam]

It doesn't sound corny at all, it sounds sweet. I can see how it'd be sentimental.

Sometimes even a temporary respite from depression helps. Now he's had a taste of that "this is not a permanent situation" feeling.  Don't feel bad, feel happy that you help him so much. And just continue being there for him and reminding him the awesome time you had and how everyone saw him as the guy he is.

[Tommy]

It doesn't sound corny at all, it sounds sweet. I can see how it'd be sentimental.

Sometimes even a temporary respite from depression helps. Now he's had a taste of that "this is not a permanent situation" feeling.  Don't feel bad, feel happy that you help him so much. And just continue being there for him and reminding him the awesome time you had and how everyone saw him as the guy he is.

Thanks xP;

You're right c: I hope he realizes how much I care for him and hope he's okay.

[Tommy]

Lately, he's been sorta upset with transitioning.

He's worried about my parents' reaction, his family's reaction (since the only one who knows at the moment is his mom) and the irreversible changes. He's worried that, in a few years, what if he decides 'Well I don't want to be male', and he's gone through the hormone therapy for so long his voice isn't able to change back?

He tells me that it'd depress him to get a metoidioplasty and think 'it's not the real thing. I'm a liar'. And I tell him that it's the closest thing he can do. I don't know what to say though.. he's hesitant to continue transitioning becasue he doesn't want irreversible side effects.

He says he misses his female name and he feels like his childhood memories with that name would just sort of..haunt him. Is this something everyone goes through? I don't know what to tell him 

[Dennis]

Everyone's different, Tommy. For me, transition was absolutely the right thing and I miss nothing about my past. I have a supportive parent though and a group of friends who didn't bat an eye, other than to ask what took me so long. That may be part of his issues, worries about what happens to personal relationships.

Dennis

[TamTam]

Maybe he needs a little more time to figure this out.  There's no rush.   He doesn't have to come to a decision now.  Try to let him know that. And it's perfectly fine for him to change his mind, to be unsure.. hell, he could wind up being an androgyne.  The possibilities are endless, but there's plenty of time.

[Seshatneferw]

That's right, there's no rush -- and also there isn't a single true path. We are all different, and it sounds like it might be good for him to consider his options in more detail than just male/female. What it is that's really bothering him, what he's unsure about, and what he's happy with. These are the big questions, but once he finds the answers the issue of whether or not to transition (and if so, how) will be much easier to tackle.

Both the fact that you are pansexual and that he has these doubts seems to suggest that he also consider other possibilities than a full transition. Take small steps in the right direction, and stop when he feels at home with himself; and whenever he feels he hasn't gone far enough it's always possible to continue the transition another step.

  Nfr

[Tommy]

That's true. He says he wakes up every morning thinking about it. He's had constant mental breakdowns over it. He comes to me for help and advice but I can only reassure him that I love him; I don't know what to say to him as far as advice goes. He's taking online school and doesn't have his liscense, so it's not like he can just..go for a ride somewhere and escape to get it off his mind.

Even when I tell him there's plenty of time to think about it, he says it's the only thing ever on his mind. I haven't seen him happy in weeks \=