Honey, I really hate to be Li'l Miss Psychoanalyst here... but I'm gonna, because this is slightly worrying.
Your mother has done a real number on you. Her attitude and how she's treated you seems to be a pretty clear cause of how you're feeling. You've said so yourself, she doesn't listen to you, and tries to force her opinions down your throat. As a result of which, you've adopted a very low benchmark by which to judge others' actions towards you.
It's not f**ked up at all, honey. It's perfectly understandable. Parents are a big influence on our life, whether we live with them or not. And when your own kin won't listen to you or try to understand the way you feel, it's hard to believe others will... others who, to your mind, aren't as relevent in your life.
Because of this, you think that you shouldn't say anything, because they couldn't possibly want to hear what you have to say. And this is where the feelings of being a burden come from. Despite what others tell you, and if they tell you that you aren't... the way you've been treated by those important in your life, and whose attitude and opinion matter simply by virtue of being your family, you've grown to believe your opinion and your very core self have no worth.
Maybe part of it is looking for attention, but only insomuch as the attention you want is the basic human desire to feel like you're worth something, and that what you say matters. How many people don't want that from those they associate with? There's nothing wrong with it at all. But I have the sneaking suspicion that it's going to take a lot to be able to convince you of that because, for so long, you've been unheard or dismissed.
*hugs*
That's a hard thing to break, honey. But if I might offer you a few things to think about:
1. The only person your happiness should be relevant to, is you. You can't control how other people react or the things they say and do. All you can do is get on with your life the best way you know how and let the chips fall where they will.
2. Your mother, whilst no doubt a significant influence in your life, is just one person... with one attitude and one set of thought patterns. Not everyone is going to think the same way she does, nor are they going to treat you the same.
3. Your opinion, your wants and needs are just as important as anyone else's. No more and no less. And if someone chooses to want to get to know you better, to listen to you and hear what you have to say... chances are there's no ulterior motive.
If you were being a burden to anyone, they would say so. Don't impose that reasoning on yourself when the other person hasn't done so themselves. *hugs*
4. You're not being lazy, honey, but perhaps you're maybe a little bit scared... or apprehensive about dealing with your issues. Which, again, is understandable. It's a big thing, and one that affects a person's life in so many subtle ways. So many "what if's", so many unknowns... do you think there could be a chance that you're beating yourself up about talking too much because you feel that you should be
doing rather than
saying, and that the person you feel doesn't listen to you most of all... is yourself?
Whatever the answers, you're not a burden, honey. Not at all. *big squeezy hug*
