Complete life change, is it right?

[Aurora]

After living two years as a woman, I'm finding myself completely changing direction my life.  Right before I went full time, my ex wife had left and took our 4 month old daughter with her and moved to her parent's house 3 hours drive away.  She has been living there ever since.  I continued on my transiting path, and worked as a computer technician.  I could only see my daughter once a month because of the distance.  Over the last while, it has been extremely depressing.  I've always felt as though I was failing my daughter.

Over the months at work, I would be constantly late, calling in sick so many times.  Eventually, they had to let me go.  My boss did like me though, so I was "laid off" instead at my request.  I've had other job offers, but I turned them down.  I just don't seem to have any ambition to work in the industry anymore, leading to even more depression.

2 months later I'm now moving back home to parents house.  My daughter will only be 20min from me, so I can see have her 3 days a week.  I'm also going to be on unemployment, and the only thing I really have to pay for is my car, which I wish I didn't have to waste money on, but my ex doesn't drive.  I'm going to save my money for Srs and going back to school next year to become a nurse possibly.

It just feels like such a drastic change and I'm a little scared.  I've always been fairly independent, and it seems strange moving back home.  I am 31, and have lived on my own for the past 12 years.  It just seems like I'm not the same person anymore after living as a woman, and this going to be so drastic.  I know I have to be a much bigger part of my daughter's life, so I'm pushing myself into this new life.

Has anyone else found after living full time for some years that your goals completely change in life?  That you are just a different person then you used to be?  Moreover, how has it worked out for you?

On another note, my daughter does call me mommy.  She's never really seen the old me.  My Ex hates this, but doesn't know what I should be called.  My parents refer to me as mommy when she is around as well.  I do love it when she calls me mommy.  My ex isn't gay, so I'm not sure how I should approach this with my daughters doctors, daycare, ect.  I know my ex isn't going to be to happy when I start referring myself to these people as mommy.  What do you think I should do is this regard?  Should I stay on the mommy trail?  I know I'm going to have to answer questions when she's older.  It's just that I'm her parent too, and I love being called mommy, but is this going to be the best way for her development?  What would you do? 

[Aurora]

Your ex is who had to be pregnant, go through all the pain, the invasive exams, the millions of needle pricks.  IMO, she's earned that title through a lot of blood, sweat, and tears (and I'm sure you would have if you could have, but it's moot at this point).

Yeah, I was there for every poke, test, exam, false labor, she would cry, I would cry.  (I was taking estrogen, and her emotions would set off my emotions)  In all honesty, I was secretly very joules of her even when she was in labor.

I would be happy with any variant, unless is something extreme, but it would still have the same meaning to a 2 year old, and to the people that aren't going to know about my past.  My ex isn't happy with any variant.  My ex refers to me as "Aunt" when I pick my daughter up.  That really stings.  My mother seems to think that the only reason why she wanted to have a baby with me then is because she thought it "might" have changed me into staying male. 

To the lesbian couples I know of with children, they don't distinguish who the birth mother is.  They are just both mommy.  It's not like my ex didn't know the direction I was heading into, but now it's a major deal for her.   

 
   

[Aurora]

Bottom line, though, is your daughter lives with her most of the time.

That is why I'm changing everything about my life.  I do have equal custody, and can legally see her half of the time.  It's been extremely hard, but I've had no other choice up until now to live apart from her to find myself.  Two year later, living as a woman, I'm ready to make the any commitment to my child.  My depression has just become too great to live apart for her anymore.  I do really want the best for her that is why I was brining this up to seek opinions to make sure I'm making the best decision.  I'm not going to be her Aunt, that is for sure.  I'm thinking I will just keep using mommy, and I just won't use it for the 5min I spend picking up my daughter.  She already calls me mommy, and I do love it.

Your tone was fine; it's why I was trying to clarify lol.  Your opinion helps, trust me!  My psychiatrist doesn't even know the best option is in this case... besides to keep trying to make her realistic, but that just causes more arguments, and I'm tired of it.   

[Lori]

We decided on Maddy. Its a combo of Mommy and Daddy.

[Aurora]

We decided on Maddy. Its a combo of Mommy and Daddy.

That is one of those extreme variants I don't quite agree on.  Maybe if we were still together we could kinda work with it.  I want her to be able to relate to other kids as best as possible with the least amount of complication.  Maddy would be complicated.    What I'm worried about is her running threw daycare calling, "Maddy" or explaining to everyone why she calls me Maddy, or how she has to explain to other children about maddy.   Having two mothers apposing to having a Ts mother and a mother is the least complicated for her at her age.  Growing up I think the chances would be better that she could easier relate to other children with gay parents.  This is just at her young age, keep in mind.   


Nothing against your decision, and this was brought up with my psychiatrist, but she is such a young age.   ...And in my daughters eyes, my ex and I were never together.  I'm not sure what your situation was, weather your child knew you before your transition, or if you're still with your partner or not.  This I would actually like to know. 

[lady amarant]

Wow Aurora, you really are in a difficult position with your ex and your daughter. I really hope that you and your ex can work together to put the needs of your little girl first. I hope your ex comes to realise that you need to be in your daughter's life. As a parent. Big Hugs and good luck dearest.

As for the huge big life-change - it does seem transitioners often do this. I'm a computer programmer, hate it with a passion, and am now doing my damndest to get into a psychology degree at uni. And yeah, it's scary as hell, especially with the way the economy is tanking, but once you start being true to yourself, you can't stop halfway. If being a technician is not for you, and being a nurse really is, you'll have the passion to make a success of it no matter the obstacles. Just believe in yourself like you've already had to do to get this far through transition. You're a brave, strong woman. Don't forget that.

~Simone.

[Kimberly]

Only to comment on the naming really, but I am my Daughter's "Mum". I am not her Mother, nor will I ever be, but Mum I am.

Um, an I am a computer programmer (etc.) an love it, more so when I can get my brain to work, lol.

[iFindMeHere]

I think that you should let your Ex be "Mommy" while you come up with a variant of it.  Momsie, Mama, something.  Now, I'm probably going to make people mad by saying that, but here's the thing.  Your ex is who had to be pregnant, go through all the pain, the invasive exams, the millions of needle pricks.  IMO, she's earned that title through a lot of blood, sweat, and tears (and I'm sure you would have if you could have, but it's moot at this point).  I'm NOT saying that you don't deserve an equally important title.  You are also her parent.  Maybe you and your ex, if you're still on amicable terms, could sit down together and come up with an alternative?  With the right mindset, you could actually have some fun with it.

YES THIS.

  I'm thinking I will just keep using mommy, and I just won't use it for the 5min I spend picking up my daughter.  She already calls me mommy, and I do love it.

Yeah.. the problem is that kids talk to each parent about the other. "Mommy and I went to...". That's going to set the ex's teeth on edge and possibly complicate things. This is a tough situation, and I think the suggestion of a normative feminine-parent nickname that is not mommy really is the most effective solution.

I say this of course as a divorced papa who gave birth to his daughter

[Aurora]

Only to comment on the naming really, but I am my Daughter's "Mum". I am not her Mother, nor will I ever be, but Mum I am.

MuM could work.  How old was she when you started using this?  Are you guys still together?  Was she able to differentiate between Mother and MuM?

"I am not her Mother, nor will I ever be"

What makes you feel that way exactly?  I'm not really sure that I feel the same way.  If she was older when I transitioned things would be a little different for sure.

[Aurora]

Yeah.. the problem is that kids talk to each parent about the other. "Mommy and I went to...". That's going to set the ex's teeth on edge and possibly complicate things. This is a tough situation, and I think the suggestion of a normative feminine-parent nickname that is not mommy really is the most effective solution.

I say this of course as a divorced papa who gave birth to his daughter

Yes it's going to complicate things, but what do you think the worst case would be?  Do you think it would be better complicating things with my ex Vs the complicating my daughters experience in preschool using a feminine-parent nickname?

My ex is NOT my 2 year old, so I'm not to concerned about how she "feels".  I'm just trying to protect my daughter as best I can.

[iFindMeHere]

Yeah.. the problem is that kids talk to each parent about the other. "Mommy and I went to...". That's going to set the ex's teeth on edge and possibly complicate things. This is a tough situation, and I think the suggestion of a normative feminine-parent nickname that is not mommy really is the most effective solution.

I say this of course as a divorced papa who gave birth to his daughter

Yes it's going to complicate things, but what do you think the worst case would be?  Do you think it would be better complicating things with my ex Vs the complicating my daughters experience in preschool using a feminine-parent nickname?

My ex is NOT my 2 year old, so I'm not to concerned about how she "feels".  I'm just trying to protect my daughter as best I can.

Part of what the compulsory video we had to take as divorcing parents included keeping a neutral-to-friendly relationship with the other parent, because this does protect the child. Thus finding a meeting point with the ex is a BIG part of caring for your girl.

[Kimberly]

Only to comment on the naming really, but I am my Daughter's "Mum". I am not her Mother, nor will I ever be, but Mum I am.

MuM could work.  How old was she when you started using this?  Are you guys still together?  Was she able to differentiate between Mother and MuM?

"I am not her Mother, nor will I ever be"

What makes you feel that way exactly?  I'm not really sure that I feel the same way.  If she was older when I transitioned things would be a little different for sure.

She is grown and out on her own, and to be clear not my genetic offspring if that matters any. An to be fair, "Mum" was her solution to the naming dilemma. But anyway my view of not being her "Mother" is, well, because I am not, simply. I am sorry that this is a bit lacking in detail but I hope it helps and answers your query nonetheless.

[mtfbuckeye]

Hmmm. I'm going to have to figure this out at some point with my wife and son. Maddy sounds pretty good to me, but I can see where everyone is coming from though.

I'm staring down changes in my gender, my marriage, my job and where I live. It's daunting, and I'd have no chance if my family and friends weren't being so supportive.

[Aurora]

Only to comment on the naming really, but I am my Daughter's "Mum". I am not her Mother, nor will I ever be, but Mum I am.

MuM could work.  How old was she when you started using this?  Are you guys still together?  Was she able to differentiate between Mother and MuM?

"I am not her Mother, nor will I ever be"

What makes you feel that way exactly?  I'm not really sure that I feel the same way.  If she was older when I transitioned things would be a little different for sure.

She is grown and out on her own, and to be clear not my genetic offspring if that matters any. An to be fair, "Mum" was her solution to the naming dilemma. But anyway my view of not being her "Mother" is, well, because I am not, simply. I am sorry that this is a bit lacking in detail but I hope it helps and answers your query nonetheless.

That's why it's so complicated.  My daughter is a two year old.  Meaning when I have her and my ex is not around, I'm doing the same things as my ex, and my daughter sees a young female doing this.  Not grandpa or grandma.  So she has been calling me Mommy (actually she already uses many variants  of mommy) since she first started talking.  Now she's two and my ex has a major problem with this.  In every sense I am her mother, and my ex doesn't want me to use any variant, unless it's very extreme like "Aunt" or "step mom". It's going to be a battle no matter what I do.

I also don't feel it's fair that she has some special right because she was the one to give birth.  It's not my fault that I didn't get to be the "birth mother".  We planned this child, she knew I was going to be sterile a little after conception,  she knew I was going to be a woman like her talking care of our child when she was born. 

  I really think the best option is not to bring it up again until she brings it up, and let my daughter call me what feels natural to her.  Even if my ex refers me to as Aunt once or twice a month.  I starting to really think it's my ex's problem she can deal with it.  Maybe it's the estrogen flowing in my blood, and the bond I have with my daughter, it just feels she has no right in choosing what my daughter wants to call me the more I think about things. 

[MeghanAndrews]

I've had other job offers, but I turned them down.  I just don't seem to have any ambition to work in the industry anymore, leading to even more depression.

Hi Aurora,
I'm not sure what to tell you on the daughter and your ex situation but the work thing I do have some thoughts about. My thought tie into this next quote to:

2 months later I'm now moving back home to parents house.  It just feels like such a drastic change and I'm a little scared.  I've always been fairly independent, and it seems strange moving back home.  I am 31, and have lived on my own for the past 12 years.

I'm sure you read the papers and you know that the economy is just terrible, especially in the US. I completely understand the feeling that you want to get out of the industry you are in, but I'd recommend hanging on to a job and in industry over the next two years, weather the storm with at least some money coming in. So many people that I know are moving in with their parents, losing their jobs, can't find new ones, etc. Try to think of what you are doing as necessarily life steps to get back to where you are in a total position of self-determination and strength. You are merely going home to nest and build up strength. It is not a permanent life situation, Aurora. You are doing this at the same time many are so maybe try to take some solace in that if you can. Stay there, get to know your parents again, build the relationship with your daughter and ex and go to school. In ten years you'll look back and realize you did the right thing. It's just another chapter in the Book of Aurora

It just seems like I'm not the same person anymore after living as a woman, and this going to be so drastic.  I know I have to be a much bigger part of my daughter's life, so I'm pushing myself into this new life. Has anyone else found after living full time for some years that your goals completely change in life?  That you are just a different person then you used to be?  Moreover, how has it worked out for you?

I would think this would be pretty obvious before you started transition honestly, and I don't mean that in a harsh way or anything Aurora. You life will change so much that it is not recognizable to you anymore, I can pretty much guarantee that. I know for many of us, that's a good thing. Keep people close to you that WANT to be there, cast out those that don't, stay focused on a timeline and goal-directed behavior and before you know it, maybe you'll find yourself in a life that was everything you always wanted it to be. Aurora is Aurora. No more baggage, lies, etc. Try to remember, especially as you are feeling down and crying (there WILL be those days and plenty of them) that there are ups and downs. Ride the downs out and really enjoy the ups. YOU are the one who determines your life's course in the end so stay focused on why you are transitioning and let that come through in the things you do.

Nice to see you coming to Susan's to talk about these things Meghan

[Kimberly]

... it just feels she has no right in choosing what my daughter wants to call me the more I think about things.

Ah, that muddies the waters considerably as it were. In that case, I quite agree. I am already inclined to let the children decide in the first place, an in the situation you describe I think you have the right basic idea. I do advice making sure your Daughter understands that, in effect, she has two Mothers.

I wish you luck and a happy turkey day

[sneakersjay]

I've read that some kids call their trans-dad D or Dee.  My kids are still trying to figure out what to call me.  Right now it's Mom. I don't mind at all, except if we're out in public and everyone else is calling me sir.


Jay

[KarenLyn]

Since your daughter already calls you Mommy, I don't see a reason to try to get her to change. A lot of kids have two moms. People outside the family don't need to know the real reason she has to moms. If it's such a big issue with your ex, let them think you're the step-mother. Mommy still works that way.
I wish I could have been "Mommy". My daughter turned 30 this year. My ex used emotional blackmail to get me to wait until after she graduated to transition.
Now I'm waiting to be Grandma K.

Karen Lyn

[Robin_p]

the only reason why she wanted to have a baby with me then is because she thought it "might" have changed me into staying male. 

To the lesbian couples I know of with children, they don't distinguish who the birth mother is.  They are just both mommy.  It's not like my ex didn't know the direction I was heading into, but now it's a major deal for her.

   

My first child was planned by my EX in hopes that it would make me into a man. Three son's later to no avail. I do get unconditional love from them.

I was told to leave them alone by my spiritual advisor. They can call me anything they want except for "He or Him". They sometimes call me "Mom" on their own. They stand up for me when someone uses the wrong pronoun or name.

As for the change in careers, I'm all for it. My job is not fun anymore and i hate getting dirty. Plus the fact my job is dangerous and when i lived as a male i did not care ....

I care now.

[Dana_W]

A few thoughts for you Aurora...

I have three children of my own, aged 4, 6 and 8. No idea what they're going to call me yet, but they all know me as "Dad" or "Daddy" now, so that's not quite the same situation. I'm avoiding "Mommy" because they already have one of those. I'm transitioning on a little better terms with my spouse than you seem to be, so I'd rather not fight over that. These titles are awkward but kind of important, as they'll somewhat define who you are in your child's eyes all their life.

It sounds to me like your depression is driving you into these dramatic life changes at least as much as your gender change (yes, I know they're related). I've battled depression and know how debilitating it can be. For me focusing on transition has helped me find my way out of depression. The hope of the future (which is something I didn't have for a long time) makes a lot of the rest bearable for me. It seems like your depression must be stemming from other sources. Do you have a very good social network outside your ex to support you through this (and not just the online kind)? I find that's pretty important.

I'd be very leery about starting a whole new career just now also. It's not that easy to begin with. And the desire to drop a dull job and start over is hardly unique to people transitioning gender. If you can hold onto that it's one less thing you need to worry about relearning while everything else is changing.

Just my thoughts. Good luck!