Confused about Gender

[Ryan]

Hey, I'm new here. Would just like to share my story and maybe have some opinions.
I've been getting increasingly worried about my gender recently.

So, for as long as I can remember, I've always refused to wear dresses and girls clothing. They made me feel stupid. I wore boys clothes and had my hair cut short like a boy (I always passed as a boy until the age of about 12). I played with Action Man toys as a kid, rather than Barbies. My friends were all boys, and I loved doing the usual boy stuff. I always knew I was a girl, but when I said it to myself, it always seemed weird. But I didn't think I was a boy.

I spent most of my childhood wanting a penis and even asked my parents for a sex change at one point.

I often had relatives buying make up for me and making me go on shopping trips to find appropriate girly clothing, but I hated every minute of it. I would cry and fight before being forced into feminine clothing.

I remember a year or so ago (after school finished), I stopped wearing women's underwear and bought myself pairs of men's boxers. There was a great feeling that came with it. I just felt really good walking around in them, even though no one could see them.
For the last couple of weeks, I've been packing with rolled up socks and would love a real packy (or even better a STP), but can't find any in the UK. Packing feels good. I'm probably going to start doing this in public. I doubt anyone will notice, but it just feels good for me.

When walking around in public, I often see men, and rather than thinking "oh, he's hot" or whatever, I tend to think "I'd love to look like that!", or "I'd love to be him". I would love the angular jaw, the muscles, the facial hair, the body hair!

Now, I've never been overly upset about being a girl. I just find that I'd much, much prefer to be male. I don't mind my breasts or my vagina, but I would much prefer pecks and a penis. I've even had dreams about having a penis!

What is going on with my head!? Am I male, female or what?
Any comments, advice or opinions will be greatly appreciated.

Thankyou

[Nero]

Good morning Gizzy.
It does sound like you have some gender issues. But only you know what gender you are. It can be a scary thing realizing you're really a man with girl parts. But we'll be here to listen and help as you figure it out.

I'm Nero. <offers hand>
Welcome to Susans and pleased to meet you.

[Ellieka]

Hi Grizzy,

Welcome to Susans!

I Totally agree with Nero, Smart guy, that Nero is! I think you should just go with what feels right for you and in time your gender will become much clearer. You'll start to Identify more with your "Mind gender" as I like to call it and soon you will know which is more you. Once you discover how your want the world to see you you can then start working on making that happen.

I have known of several FtM guys that never have GRS but still live a a full and happy life as a man.

Hang around here, theres lots of guys on here with much more experience with your specific feelings then I. at any rate we're all here for ya!

-Cami 

[Ryan]

Thankyou for the quick replies.

I don't really know what feels right. Just rather confused about it all.

I would like to spent a while living as a man, just to clear things up in my mind, but I don't think I'd have to courage to go through with it all to be honest. I imagine that it'd feel great to just be a guy and to live with everyone thinking that I was one.
I used to love passing as a guy when I was younger. But it created hassle when going into girls toilets and I was bullied for it alot at school and such.

[Mr. Fox]

If you don't think you could deal with changing your entire life for an experiment, you could go on vacation of some kind of trip as male, so you get to experience what it would be like but there is no commitment.
Adrian

[Ryan]

Yeah, definately.
Though I'm almost certain that it'd feel right, I wouldn't want to do it, only to find out that it really isn't who I am.

[tekla]

I wouldn't want to do it, only to find out that it really isn't who I am.

Sure you do.  Knowing what you are not is just as important as knowing what you are.  In transition that was the reason for the RLT, to see if it really was you.  No harm, no foul in finding out its not, or its not all of it.

[Ryan]

Hmm, that is true tekla.

I'm tempted to take a day out somewhere as a man. Maybe do this a few times just to see how it feels.
Although, my hair isn't long. I think it makes it obvious that I'm female, so I'd have to put it in a hat or something.
I've passed as a man before without even trying! So it shouldn't be too hard.

On another note. Does anyone know of anywhere in the UK that sells packers or STP packers.
I've found the ones on the "Love Honey" website, but their smallest is over 5 inches, which seems a little silly.

[icontact]

-offers fist for fistbump-
I'm Asher, one of the many FtMs on Susan's. Welcome!

I think Adrian's idea is a good one.

If you had to ask me, I'd say yeah, you're probably a FtM, but only you can know for sure. A lot of what you've written, I've felt exactly the same way, and I'm sure so have others on here. Just keep an open mind when it comes to yourself. Even if you can't call yourself Mr. SoandSo in public, just thinking in your head as if you were a bio-guy, that can make a HUGE difference in self-acceptance. Just know, we're all here for you if you need to talk, whether we are FtM, MtF, androgyne, system, or even just confused.

We're not as scary as some think.

[Ryan]

Yeah, I agree. I think I'm gonna present as a guy in public next time I'm out on my own.
Need a binder though. Probably get a frog bra from somewhere. Know anywhere in the UK? I'm small chested.

The thing that worries me, is my voice. Obviously, at my age my voice would have broken by now, but I have a stupid girl voice lol Any tips on how to pass with a high pitched voice?

[Jeatyn]

Yeah, I agree. I think I'm gonna present as a guy in public next time I'm out on my own.
Need a binder though. Probably get a frog bra from somewhere. Know anywhere in the UK? I'm small chested.

The thing that worries me, is my voice. Obviously, at my age my voice would have broken by now, but I have a stupid girl voice lol Any tips on how to pass with a high pitched voice?

I fake it

I have a geordy accent, it's pretty easy to fake a male voice like that =P

If I get upset or excited though it goes really high pitched and I'm like eugh is that me?

[Ryan]

I'd feel stupid if I faked it though, cause I think that people would probably know it was fake. I'll practice and see!

I'm only 25 miles South of Manchester, so I have a bit of a Northern accent too

[icontact]

Not necessarily. Over a few years, I've worked at my voice to make it perfectly passable, without hormones of any kind. I suppose that's mainly because I had a lower voice to begin with. [Not sure whether that was because I started altering it earlier, cause I've hated having a high voice since I was a wee youngin, or I was just born with it.]

EITHER WAY. Trying to alter it yourself could never hurt. Just alter it alllll the time, make sure you are always concentrating on speaking lower. This sounds like a pain in the rear, and at first it kinda is, but you get used to speaking lower very quickly so much that it's an automatic habit, you won't have to think about it any more.

[Dante]

Sorry, I'm a bit late.

But welcome, Gizzy!

In answer to your first question, to me it sounds like your FTM, but that is something only you can decide. There are many 'levels' of being transgender, so some of us don't feel that we really need surgery, others of us feel we really need it. It's up to you to decide what's right.

As for buying packers, I really can't help you there, seeing as I don't have one. But I would Google it or something, and see what you come up with. Binders are the same. I have one, but I got it from a friend, so I don't know where it came from. Actually, technically it's an Abdominal Binder, but it works. If you have a small chest, then that should work well for you.

And voice is a tough one. I would suggest just talking in a lower voice when you can, especially when talking to people you probably won't ever see again. Like if you go to the grocery store, talk to the check-out person in a deeper voice. And if you have a habit of talking/singing to yourself (I do), try it in a lower key.

The best way to test whether you like being male in public would be to go on a vacation and try it there, like everyone said. You don't even have to go that far. You could do a weekend trip to a city/town a few miles away, where no one knows you.

Hope that helps a bit. And I hope you are able to find yourself soon. It really is bad when you feel you don't know yourself. Good luck. 

[Mr. Fox]

Don't worry about voice too much.  People will probably just assume you are a prepubescent boy, providing you pass visually.  Not very good as a long term solution, but fine for just a day out.
Adrian

[Ryan]

I've googled around pretty much everywhere, but I can't find any packers in the UK. Apart from the ones that I mentioned earlier. A little too big, but I might get one anyway if I can't find anything else.

Thanks for all the advice I've been talking to myself in a lower voice. but not sure if I pull it off. We'll see!

[Nero]

Yeah, I agree. I think I'm gonna present as a guy in public next time I'm out on my own.
Need a binder though. Probably get a frog bra from somewhere. Know anywhere in the UK? I'm small chested.

The thing that worries me, is my voice. Obviously, at my age my voice would have broken by now, but I have a stupid girl voice lol Any tips on how to pass with a high pitched voice?

I fake it

I have a geordy accent, it's pretty easy to fake a male voice like that =P

If I get upset or excited though it goes really high pitched and I'm like eugh is that me?

What's a geordy accent like? Posh or non- posh (whatever that means)?

[Jeatyn]

Yeah, I agree. I think I'm gonna present as a guy in public next time I'm out on my own.
Need a binder though. Probably get a frog bra from somewhere. Know anywhere in the UK? I'm small chested.

The thing that worries me, is my voice. Obviously, at my age my voice would have broken by now, but I have a stupid girl voice lol Any tips on how to pass with a high pitched voice?

I fake it

I have a geordy accent, it's pretty easy to fake a male voice like that =P

If I get upset or excited though it goes really high pitched and I'm like eugh is that me?

What's a geordy accent like? Posh or non- posh (whatever that means)?

Most definitely not posh. Like ant n dec who you can find on youtube if you don't know who they are =P

[Dante]

If you can't find any in UK, why don't you order from somewhere else and have them ship it to you? I don't think it could cost that much to ship it.

[Ryan]

I've done that before with other orders from the US.
Bought some shirts from the internet (trusted company in America) and we were charged a little over the odds for postage, then there was a custom charge, I had to ring up to confirm my credit card and then we were also charged for the change of currency!

Don't wanna risk it again.
I seem to remember reading that DJs don't ship to UK, and Mango ship to the UK at an extra $30 plus any custom charges.