Advice PLEASE!

[coolJ]

Can anyone tell me how I can convince my wife to let me do hormone therapy. I'm 42 and I just lost 20 pounds in 2 months. I know I could be me if I at least slowly transitioned. The problem is my wife wont even compromise. She wont accept what I'm going through and she has no desire to be a lesbian. Hell she still wants me to start lifting. Been there done that and never doing that again! I wonder if theres any way of making her accept the real me-which BTW is so much better than the fake! As usual Thanks, also does hormone therapy really shrink muscle mass because the only thing really ruining me is my shoulders, and my nose but I can get that fixed. Life is so ironic- I've literally got the world at my finger tips but its nothing compaired to being myself and trying to live like the real me.

[Nigella]

Hi there,

I can't suggest any way of convincing your wife but I do suggest seeking a gender therapist before anything else. This really is serious stuff and has serious consequences on your life, relationships and work.

I know its not what you asked for but you need to talk things through, get things straight in your own mind and begin to talk with your wife about how you feel as well. Transition affects all our relationships and it may cost losing some as many can testify on this site.

hugs

Stardust

[lizbeth]

first of all I'm not married and I can't relate to your situation in that way,  but you can't force her to accept it. your best bet is to let her come to her own decision by giving her articles to read or books on the subject or seeing a counselor like stardust suggested.

remember that there are 2 sides to this coin, and while you are struggling with your gender identity it is putting her in the position of analyzing her sexual identity if she chooses to continue the relationship and "allows" you to begin HRT.

I put quotes around allows becuase it is ultimately your decision and not hers, but you ahve to factor in how it affects her as well if you really care about her.

[Windrider]

The short answer is "you don't". The long answer is if your wife isn't on the same page as you are in regards to your transition, she isn't going to be very accepting. Heck, it's even difficult when you *are* accepting. Dani and I are working through this issue right now and I'm very thankful that she's allowing me the time I need to work through my issues so that we can continue along our path.

If you want your marriage to survive transition (and I fully believe it is possible), both you and your wife must walk the same path at the same speed. For the person transitioning, it often means they must slow down. Are you willing to wait for your wife to catch up? Communication and therapy are going to be your best tools. I highly recommend couple's sessions and would also suggest some solo sessions for your wife too, so she has a "safe" place to talk about things.

I understand your wife's fear of being perceived as lesbian. Note that transition does not "make" one lesbian (no magic wands here!) But it will cause society to *perceive* her as lesbian and that can be difficult for some women. She's probably also worried about how family/friends/coworkers will react and there are probably a lot of other things going through her mind too.

However, if your wife continues to be resistant and/or refuses therapy and remains unsupportive, I don't know if your marriage will survive.

Hormones are serious business; I hope you're planning on seeing a physician for them.

Best of luck!

WR

[Janet_Girl]

Can anyone tell me how I can convince my wife to let me do hormone therapy. I'm 42 and I just lost 20 pounds in 2 months. I know I could be me if I at least slowly transitioned. The problem is my wife wont even compromise. She wont accept what I'm going through and she has no desire to be a lesbian.

I can tell from my point of view, that is if she is so dead set against it you will never transition.  My ex said the same thing.  And like what Windrider said you both have to be now the same page.  My ex and I weren't even in the same book.  She would not even talk to me.  But it is funny, we are friends again and she is more open to my GID.  We still haven't talked but she does see that I a happier now.  I should mention that we are seperated and getting the big "D">

I really wish you luck and I hope you can stay together and transition too.

Janet

[Eva Marie]

There is nothing you can do to "make" her go along with your transition 

Education and communication help, but only go so far. Either she will get on board with your transition, or she will not. I wish you the best of luck as you go thru this process.

[Vexing]

If transition is important enough to you and she won't compromise, then ditch her. You don't need to be at war with your partner while you're dealing with transitioning.
Kick her to the curb.

[coolJ]

Let me just give a little history. Since I was 4, I wanted to be a girl.Without going into too much detail of my slide at age 12 I chose to try and be a man because of my upbringing and love for my parents. I thought I was a man despite constantly repressing the desire to be a woman. As a result Ive spent most of my life trying to prove my manhood. I will only say that I've far surpassed any level of "manhood" I was supposed to reach and it still just wasnt enough. I've  been married for 19 years and have 2 beautiful daughters. I've just finally realized and accepted who I really am 3 months ago. The freedom and relief was awesome!  About 4 months ago I was blacking out. I simply could not live the lie any longer. I told my wife about wanting to be a woman 10 years ago but we both shoved it under the rug. I told her now what I realized and accepted a week after I truely accepted who I am inside. She said I have to stay a man or else. But I NEED therapy and at least a slow transition. I wont ever throw her to the curb. I made a committment and I intend to see it through even if it kills me! I've said this before that if it wasnt for my wife I would be fully transitioning. For her and the kids sake I'm willing to go slowly with hormones and not go public with it. So thats where I'm at. I've been living my life for everyone else in my family-inlaws included, and now I feel I at least want to do something to move toward the real me-for myself for a change without destroying my family. Either way I have to resolve this so I can continue to function period. I truely appretiate all the great advice. Thanks to all so much!

[Vexing]

(Selfish)

Yup. Transitioning is a very selfish thing to do. It's all about yourself, no-one else 

[tekla]

I don't see things in terms of demands, I doubt such things work.  But, there are lots of things in life where people have to make decisions, not all of which are good for everyone around them necessarily.  Hard part of life, but true.  So you have to decide if your going to walk that, alone if need be.

[Windrider]

She said I have to stay a man or else. But I NEED therapy and at least a slow transition. I wont ever throw her to the curb. I made a committment and I intend to see it through even if it kills me!

Well, I think you have most of your answer. If your wife is refusing and handing down demands that you stay a man, then it's unlikely she's ever going to accept transition. At least it sounds that way to me. It's looking like your choices are becoming a bit more clear cut - either be yourself and be happy or conform to what they want and be miserable. Not exactly the easiest set of choices because you lose something either way.

Has your wife shown any interest (even grudging) about therapy? That *may* help; I stress may because it's not a given.

I've said this before that if it wasnt for my wife I would be fully transitioning. For her and the kids sake I'm willing to go slowly with hormones and not go public with it.

You seem to be willing to compromise on the pace, which is good, but I'm not sure about how you'll never go public with it. There will come a point where you won't be able to "hide" anymore...and really, would you want to?

Best wishes!

WR

[Chrissty]

I wont ever throw her to the curb. I made a committment and I intend to see it through even if it kills me! I've said this before that if it wasnt for my wife I would be fully transitioning. For her and the kids sake I'm willing to go slowly with hormones and not go public with it. So thats where I'm at. I've been living my life for everyone else in my family-inlaws included, and now I feel I at least want to do something to move toward the real me-for myself for a change without destroying my family. Either way I have to resolve this so I can continue to function period. I truely appretiate all the great advice. Thanks to all so much!

I cannot offer any advice on this, but I can offer my support and say I find myself in virtually the same situation with my family.

I also remain committed to our marriage, and feel I have been living too much for the sake of others and sacrificing my own happines as result.

The last time I broached this subject with my wife was about 5 years ago, and at the time I buried my female persona again, and returned to the closet. Now my wife has commented several times on how generallly unhappy she has found me lately

This time I have decided to seek private therapy as I simply cannot keep repeating this cycle, and I am concerned that I have seen some early warning signs that I may be loosing my ability to control my feelings and heading for depression.

Not an easy time, I wish you well cooJ....



Chrissty

[coolJ]

You seem to be willing to compromise on the pace, which is good, but I'm not sure about how you'll never go public with it. There will come a point where you won't be able to "hide" anymore...and really, would you want to?


What I'm willing to do is try hormone therapy for a year under suppervision ofcourse and if there is little or no changes I might not continue. I'm willing not to fully transition for the sake of my marriage or maybe if I just do it slowely enough that my wife might have time to soften her veiws. She really depends on ME so I could actually have most of my way without her doing anything about it but I absolutetly will not do that. I need her to be with me because we are a team. And it isnt fair to her  , I should have known more about the truth long ago. So yes I'm willing to keep my hair short and pretend to be a man for as long as it takes while seeing how hormones will help me. Thats pretty much where I'm at. And I really appreciate all your great advice! I cant thank all of you enough!

[coolJ]

This time I have decided to seek private therapy as I simply cannot keep repeating this cycle, and I am concerned that I have seen some early warning signs that I may be loosing my ability to control my feelings and heading for depression


Well heres my support right back atcha! And I've been in serious depression since my Mom died a year and a half ago. Naturally I've kept that from everybody too. Lately I've been prescribed some happy pills and they do seem to help. No matter what happens I generally try to be happy because I just cant stand being miserable! I'm trying to find a win win compromise even if there is none! I cant accept being in a no-win situation so I'm taking in all the good advice and seeing where I can go with it! Hopefully we can both get where we need to be and thank you so much for your support! Oh yeah and you look great there lady! I'm envious because I dont have a wig. And theres only 2 pairs of heels of my wifes that I can actually wear so I'm very envious Anyway keep on rockin sister cause we're gonna make it!

[Chrissty]

Well heres my support right back atcha! And I've been in serious depression since my Mom died a year and a half ago. Naturally I've kept that from everybody too. Lately I've been prescribed some happy pills and they do seem to help. No matter what happens I generally try to be happy because I just cant stand being miserable! I'm trying to find a win win compromise even if there is none! I cant accept being in a no-win situation so I'm taking in all the good advice and seeing where I can go with it! Hopefully we can both get where we need to be and thank you so much for your support! Oh yeah and you look great there lady! I'm envious because I dont have a wig. And theres only 2 pairs of heels of my wifes that I can actually wear so I'm very envious Anyway keep on rockin sister cause we're gonna make it!

Well I too hope we can find a way to make this work, one of my problems is also a frail mum that I know would not take this news well, and as she lives locally it would be very difficult to hide from her....

If you want to talk more at any time, just pm me....



Chrissty

[Ms Jessica]

loads of good advice already, so I'll keep this short. 
I would also ask the question about how long your wife has "known".  You said 10 years ago, but you both swept it under the rug.  You might have still been dealing with feelings over those 10 years.  Your wife spent 10 more years in denial.  If you only brought this back up a few months ago, then she's only been dealing with it a few months.  It's doubtful that she'll do a complete 180 that fast. 
Her comfort will come in small steps (if it does at all)-- seeing you dressed, letting you leave the house (with her) while wearing make up, going out dressed, etc. 
The things to remember-- you're talking about a really big change.  I can pretty much guarantee you she's confused and needs a chance to sort her feelings.  Too, she has to transition along with you.  You're married, she thought she was marrying "man" but now she feels like you're pulling the rug out from under her.  Whether you are, or whether you meant to, is not the point.  The point is that she had expectations about your relationship, and she has feelings about the changes that are taking place in your relationship. 

Give her time, let her get used to the idea.  She may never, but you never can tell with people.  You could always kick her to the curb later. 

Did I say give her some time?  Srsly.  She won't wake up tomorrow and be miraculously fine with it all.  If it happens at all, it will happen in little stretches, but you'll look back over a year and think "wow, we've come really far!"

And start seeing a therapist.  Both of you.

[Pariah]

Here's my advice.

WARNING!!!: Don't do ANYTHING I suggest unless you realise it is at your own risk! I have never been in a relationship, and I have no experience in this field. Side effects may include getting yelled at, locked doors, and a strange sense of alienation from your favorite TV shows.

Firstly, I would suggest appealing to her sense of reason. This is a general rule that applies to everyone. Give a valid point of view, and see how she reacts to it. Note: you did NOT appeal to her sense of reason before, you merely posed the question; actual bring up some factual, scientific points and opinions that cause serious brain-crunching. Let her see how there is factual proof that this could be healthy for you, her, your relationship, and all kinds of "anything else" you can think of.

If reason fails, appeal to her sense of humanity. Bring up the points that, as a human, you are more than just a person-you are a mind and a soul. Bring around the points that this is something that has troubled your mind, and that you are sure that this is something that can solve your psychological and personal unrest, as well as bringing around your discovery of yourself as a person.

Next, if your attempt to sway her with your humanity fails, appeal to her sense of emotional understanding. Being a woman, she is more accustomed to letting her emotions run freely. (This is one of the fundimental reasons why men fight over the most trival things or break stuff, and a woman's tongue cuts so deeply...not to say women don't fight.) Get emotional! (because IF you really plan on going on hormones, you better get used to confronting your emotions!) Show her that this means MUCH to you, and that it hurts your heart to have to hide your feelings, or be someone you arent.

Also, everyone here has already put it so adequately. "Don't expect her to accept this overnight." There are very few people who could accept a change like this-even fewer who could do it over-night.

Now, I am NOT saying you should manipulate her with these steps. Be genuine.

I have MORE to say but I am hungry, and my fish is getting cold. Besides, I don't wanna seem like a thread demon, typing until there is no space left.  

[katherine]

My wife had finally found out about "me" several years ago.  We are still married and I'm still living as a male. She wanted no part of my female self.  We talked about rather calmly a number of times, but she just wasn't and didn't come around.  I only remained married to her because I knew what I was when I married her, though I loved her, I also married to force myself to me a man.  I absolutely would not recommend this to anyone!  Anyway, she attended my last therapy session as required by my therapist.  When it was over and we were driving back home (too long a drive I might add) she said she felt like we had ganged up on her.  Now I'm back on my journey again and I don't know where it will take me.  I do believe I will likely have to make the important decision to either remain married or divorce.  She will not change her stance.  Sometimes that's just the way it is.  I care for her deeply and still feel a love for her, but as my therapist said, I have to live my life, otherwise I will never be happy.  She's been right so far.

[Chrissty]

Hi Katherine,

I really hope it works out for you and your wife. These feelings run deep, but so do the family ties and vows we made.

I've been in the dark a long time, I'm not sure if I will ever come out, but I'm looking forward to starting therapy sessions in the New Year...so we will just have to see what happens...

Chrissty

[katherine]

Hi Chrissty,

Good luck with your therapy, it's such an important step.  I hope that you will find, as I did, the tremendous relief at being able to reveal your true self to someone.  I had a very good therapist, very supportive, and I truly enjoyed our sessions, even those "kleenex" sessions.  Take care.