Mom not happy

[Jamie_B]

I'm a 36 year old MTF and I came out to my parents about two weeks ago.  Since then we have spoken very little about it.  First a tiny bit of background to put a few things in perspective.  My mother has a relatively serious heart condition.  My sister just came out of the hospital for an extremely serious heart problem.  She very nearly died.  So...mom is a bit stressed and really can't afford to be.  I'm feeling guilty and selfish first of all for coming out when I did...in the midst of all the other things going on and I recognize that that is probably normal.  Dad hasn't said much of anything at all about it.  But my mother keeps saying that she needs time and that "she cant get upset".  Again I think this is normal and understandable.  However when she does talk about it she says things like: "I'm losing a son" or "It's a big loss" or things of that nature.  I keep telling her that I'm not going anywhere and that I will still be me.  I suppose I'm also confused as to how my gender could be so important to her...but it's important to me so that it is important to her should come as no great surprise. I don't suppose I'd understand unless I had children.  I'm moderately angry that she sees it as some great loss.  Again that's probably normal too.  I know I need to give her (them) time.  I'm discouraged and guilty and feeling selfish and feeling as if I ought to wait to transition until much much later.  I'm required to live with my parents at the moment and that makes it a *lot* more complicated as well.  I just needed to say these things...I'm very glad that I found this forum.

[jenny_]

I know that it sounds hurtful people close to us seeing transition as them losing a person.  Especially as in reality they aren't - we are the same person regardless of how we present - and it can feel as if they don't really understand us.

But looking at it from your mum's point of view, she sees herself as losing a son, and gaining a daughter.  Remember that she's seen you as a male all your life, even if you haven't, and thats gonna be difficult for her to see differently, especially in the short-term.

Not sure what advice i can give, other than give her time and she might begin to see things differently.  Also maybe her just seeing that you are still you, even as you transition, will be more effective than telling her that your still the same person.

But that takes time.  And i know thats frustrating.  Hugs.

[Vexing]

Don't blame yourself for adding extra stress.
She's making it a stressful situation when it should have to be.