I've also got aspergers. It's certainly odd how aspergers seems to be so common within the trans community. I hope it doesn't get in the way of any diagnoses or on my path to transition, as it doesn't affect me more than... Well, making me highly eccentric, offbeat, somewhat inappropriate in conversation, blatantly lacking the desire to socialize and going through rather crazy obsessions - although that has calmed down slightly. Though, apparently I go on and on and on about some of my interests to the point of my rambling being painful. I pity the poor humans that have to suffer my presence.
I know, however, that my identification with male roles - or you could say, my simply male
being, has persisted for the span of my life, although my childhood was extremely gender-neutral. Some people believe the correlation between aspergers and other forms of autism and transsexualism somehow invalidates said transsexualism, but I know this is certainly not the case.
Now, when I was young, my symptoms were rather intense. I'm not just the "shy, awkward" type that diagnoses themselves with autism automatically. It is difficult to know whether those be simply traits due to some sort of trauma in the past, genes... Or just how you are as a person for whatever reason, not due to any specific "disorder".
Oh, how I love "disorders"... They could categorize me in just a few "symptoms"...
In any case, as a child I was almost neurotic at times. If I wasn't babbling unceasingly, I was making inappropriate comments that would either set people off or hurt them deeply, although I didn't understand (and don't often understand) why. I also reacted extremely strongly to changed plans, let downs, or punishments. Crying, screaming, throwing things - even violence. I don't remember much of that. It has probably faded into "repressed memory" - lost in my subconscious, like Freud would argue. I don't doubt it. All of that seems like it happened to a very different little child. When I was particularly young, everything scared me. Everything set me off. Sounds, sights, sensations, tastes. I was a bomb ready to go off if a truck went down the street, if the public toilets were loud, if I was in a bright room or if some high energy event were occurring. I developed panic disorder when I was 8 - not fun. Particularly when your social fears escalate dramatically because you're petrified of having a panic attack in public, you're a little kid and you're submerged in a huge city and a financial crisis. Add early puberty into the mix and you have the makings of a healthy childhood.
I like to think these events, difficult as they were, just shaped me into a far more rational, level-headed person. I think clearly, I make decisions with utmost care, I am always in control. Thus I doubt anything should be said to obscure my judgment enough to make my decision to transition somehow invalid or untrustworthy. And while many people are indeed quick to diagnose aspergers, I'm really unsure of what else could have covered all that I suffered through as a child.
Mind you, I went through
extensive therapy. Group therapy with young children, as well. I spent so many years in therapy, I can hardly recount any but the least painful sessions. And that is why I am somewhat sane.
