Hi all,
I am new to the forums and would like to introduce myself, Samara, aka Jeff. I was going to go with Jessica, however, my brother's wife's name is Jessica.. I did not wish to use a name already in the family. I am not sure if I have met anyone here before, in the early 90s I used to chat on IRC channel #transgendered as Jessica22 and sort of fell out for several years..
Anyways, here is my story for anyone interested in hearing it.. I've known for a long time that I was a bit different than other male specimens ;p I enjoyed playing with the girls as a child, used to dress as a girl in secret, and have always felt I was born in the wrong gender, I basically fit into the female gender to a "T"... I remember the adults used look at me strangely, and try to sway me towards more masculine activities. I always hung out with the girls, and made few male friends as I could not relate.. Later in life, I was devastated when puberty hit in and I saw all of my features start to swell into a masculine shape. To deal with it I setup a male persona I tried my best to hide my feelings for years.. I'm sure most of you are familiar with this story line, as it probably is the same for a lot of you. So I will not go to far into it..
In my early 20s I almost transitioned, however, regrettably I did not.. Now at the age of 34, I feel that I can no longer hold onto this false persona I have created for myself. Now I have to deal with something that has grown into what seems to be an unmanageable identity.. I have a wife, and two children.. one who is almost three and the other who is not quite a year. A wife who thinks I am something I am not.. and sense of guilt that will not go away. Other than a few quick peaks at the TG community through the years I have lost touch, and feel completely isolated.
It is strange, I am at this intersection in my life.. One way leads to the same path I have been living for the past several years- one of which is filled with regret, a sense of falsehood, and an almost mechanical and inhuman stride.. The other is a complete unknown.. A potential to lose a wife, growing with my children and losing my family. I'm honestly at a loss now, I am trying to decide upon what I consider selfish and what I consider responsibility. However, I don't know how much longer I can live as I have been for years.. Yet, if I chose to go for the transition I could lose everything that is dear to me.
I have been holstered up in this male persona for years now, and haven't a clue anymore of how to be female.. Strange as it is.. I feel female, yet do not know how to act it. I don't know quite how to explain it, not to mention the past six beers has rendered me rather inarticulate
..
But there is my introduction, in the event that you see me here and there so you know a little of where I stand.. I hope to learn a bit more of myself here, and grow as a person. I would also like to know a few other people I can relate to. Thanks for all of you that have listened.
