So, I was on webcam chat with Rachel yesterday, and I always keep any room I'm in dark so I have to adjust the webcam settings. As I was doing so, when I finally got it right, I realized something: I never look myself in the mirror. I never really see myself. I suppose it's intentional - I mean, physically, I've changed almost nothing since I was sixteen (people on Facebook recently mentioned that). That was twelve years ago. For twelve years, now, I've been the same.
My family is suspicious. It isn't a judgement - my brother and sister and I each have different fathers. The first one hoofed it when the eldest of us was very young, and the second one turned out to be horrifyingly abusive. My mother lived much of her life in abject poverty, and my father was accused of being retarded by his family (he's industrially blind) and had to practically flee his home in order to make something of himself. So suspicion isn't a judgment - it's a way of life. Literally.
I have never really shaved. I once did, about five or six years ago, and got so many questions I was too afraid to answer (at the time, even to myself). There's a picture of me on Facebook with the mask shaved off. I actually look nicer without the fuzz, but I look more manly. Of course, I think I look manly without it anyways.
At any rate, my New Year's resolution is to shave. And so I've done that. And I have deflected questions from my ever-suspicious family who love me very much but have made it clear they will never accept me as I am (accidentally, mind you - they do love me, after all, and wouldn't speak to my face knowingly of anything that would make me so unwelcome). But, anyways, I am now clean-shaven.
Incidentally, I think Rachel's the only one on this board who's seen my face, now, and she saw the mask on. But looking at myself yesterday for the first time so critically, I found myself ashamed of my face. So, now, I'm less ashamed.
Happy new year.
EDIT: I'm OCD. So change does not come easily for me. This new face of mine... just doesn't look right. I hope that changes.
