GRS Concerns

[Julie Marie]

The 'how I got here' history:
GRS was the only surgery important to me.  In November 2007 I scheduled surgery for 6/23/08.  Coming out at work was very risky.  I felt if I did I'd lose everything.  Still, I went to HR last March.  They took the ball and ran with it, pressuring me to come out immediately and promising none of my fears would be realized.  I trusted them and I came out. 

With my head in a spin I reasoned FFS & BA would help my co-workers accept the new me because I would LOOK female.  Due to limited funds I could have either FFS or GRS.  Rather than follow my heart I decided it best to make it easier on my co-workers and chose FFS figuring I could save up for GRS when I got back to work.

When I got back my job was eliminated and my pay cut.  They put me in a dead end position with no chance to save for GRS.  I would have to sell my house in a depressed market to get the money.

I ended up retiring because work had become so repressive.  Next month I'll be getting a lump sum payout from retirement and pension payments will begin.  I can get the money for GRS but I'll have to pay taxes on whatever I withdraw.

Now the dilemma...
In April I'll be 58.  I'm no spring chicken anymore.  Longevity does not run in my family.  If family history has anything to do with it I can expect to live not much past 70.

I was with my GF when she had GRS (the same day I originally had).  I've been with her through her recovery and am well aware of all that is involved with dilation.  The only thing I haven't experienced is the pain and/or pleasure that goes with this procedure.

My GF has come so alive since her GRS.  I can see it in her eyes and in everything she does.  I've often imagined what it would have been like for me if I had made the right choice and had GRS last June.  A peace comes over me when I think about it.

But I find myself dreading another surgery.  Two weeks after FFS I was in Montreal with my GF and decided to have BA with Brassard.  The second surgery in two weeks left me drained for a long time.  I went through a depression that often had me thinking I was better off dead.  Losing my job and not having GRS was devastating.  So the emotional trauma has me worried.  And when I think of the physical and what my GF went through with her surgery, well, that's enough to cause me to wonder if I can finish out the remainder of my life as I am now.

Problem is, being pre-op has kept me from doing a lot of things I want to do and left me extremely self conscious in many of the things I do do. 

What started out as a no-brainer for me has turned into a convoluted mess!

What I'm hoping for is, those girls who have had GRS, did you have these fears/concerns before surgery?  How was your recovery?  Did you have any regrets after surgery?  Are you happier now?

Thanks in advance for your help

Julie

[Sandy]

The 'how I got here' history:
What I'm hoping for is, those girls who have had GRS, did you have these fears/concerns before surgery?  How was your recovery?  Did you have any regrets after surgery?  Are you happier now?

Thanks in advance for your help

Julie

1) fears/concerns - Not really, actually I had not put that much feeling into my GRS since it would have virtually no social impact (other than locker room things).  I felt pretty complete as a woman in society once my FFS/BA healed.  I felt pretty complete.

However once I woke up after surgery, I finally realized for myself that I was no longer "Half-n-Half".  And that really at quite a significant impact on my feelings.  As a result I actually be came MORE calm after the surgery.  Internally I knew I was whole and that had a direct impact on how I viewed/was viewed by society.

2) Recovery.  Hon, you were there for my orchi and it was almost just like that.  Yeah it was a bit more involved (by a lot!), but from a pain/feelings standpoint, it was no where near as difficult as some of the other surgeries.

Julie, having FFS is just like "Bobbing for French Fries".  For me and I think for you too, it was devastating both from an immediate recovery pain and ongoing recovery discomfort.

In comparison, an orchi and GRS are *much* lower in levels of discomfort.  And really it is more discomfort that you feel than actual pain.

Regrets)  Only that I hadn't done it earlier.  I find it hard to "live" my memories of my previous life.  I certainly can recall them (especially the traumatic ones from high school), but I no longer "experience" them.  They are much like watching a film.  I think that is because I am so much different now than the person who had those experiences.

And if I can depart from the clinical aspects for a moment...

Julie, from the first moment we met, the *only* thing that was important to you as far as surgeries go was GRS.  And it seemed like such a driving force in your life.  That is why I was very surprised when you opted for FFS first.

As one friend to another, DO THIS THING!  Have the operation.  You not only will feel complete, you will be complete in mind and body.

This really is a no-brainer!

-Sandy

[Sheila]

I didn't have any fears of surgery (GRS). I was even going to Bangkok, Thailand, a place that was half way around the world, a place that seemed so far away. What was I thinking? To me, it was like getting ready to go to Disneyland when I was a child. I couldn't wait. I had no fear of what could happen, I did know but I wanted the surgery more than anything I have ever wanted in my whole life. It was the wish that I have always wished for, to be a girl. I never had facial surgery and breast enhancement, I couldn't afford it. Today, almost 5 years after surgery, I still feel complete and I really don't want any other surgery. Oh, well, maybe a tummy tuck. Like Sandy has said, When I woke up in the hospital and asked my wife if it was done and she said yes, I felt whole and complete. I thought it was Christmas morning and I received the best gift a girl could ever ask for.

[Purple Pimp]

What I'm hoping for is, those girls who have had GRS, did you have these fears/concerns before surgery?  How was your recovery?  Did you have any regrets after surgery?  Are you happier now?

Hey Julie!

I think it depends on how deep your doubts are.  For example, when you say, "And when I think of the physical and what my GF went through with her surgery, well, that's enough to cause me to wonder if I can finish out the remainder of my life as I am now": is this more of a passing doubt, or a real doubt?  If only a passing doubt, (which I think everyone has, as in "Will it look good?" or "Will I be able to stand the pain" etc) then go ahead and get surgery.

To be honest, I think that the best way of thinking about SRS is this: one should assume upfront that one will have a bad result (fistula, whatever) and then decide whether or not surgery is worth it despite horrible complications.  Everyone's anatomy is different, and bad surgery can happen to ANYONE -- you can go to Bangkok and get a great result, or go to Montreal and get a bad one, or inversely, go to Bangkok and get a horrible result or go to Montreal and get a great one -- either way, is it worth it?  Is it worth getting, say, a blood infection and dying, but dying as close to achieving the birthright-that-we-were-denied as possible?  I'd say yes, and when surgery should be pursued.

Only you can make your decision, but like I said, everyone's anatomy is different and every surgeon has bad outcomes, one just has to know oneself and hope for the best.

Lia

[Purple Pimp]

I forgot to reply to the whole question

I had horrible pain following surgery, but not from the surgery site; instead, it was my lower back that was killing me after spending about two weeks on my back (the first five days following SRS in the hospital without shifting at all, then back to the hotel where I just had to stay in bed as much as possible).  But it was worth it.  I have no regrets, and I definitely feel happier.

Lia

[Caroline]

But I find myself dreading another surgery.  Two weeks after FFS I was in Montreal with my GF and decided to have BA with Brassard.  The second surgery in two weeks left me drained for a long time.  I went through a depression that often had me thinking I was better off dead.  Losing my job and not having GRS was devastating.  So the emotional trauma has me worried.  And when I think of the physical and what my GF went through with her surgery, well, that's enough to cause me to wonder if I can finish out the remainder of my life as I am now.

Two general anaesthetics in two weeks?  That's pretty heavy.  Then you had the work situation too, its no wonder you were depressed.  From what I've heard, recovery from FFS is tough; I doubt GRS would be that bad, unless you had complications.  You may be prone to depression after a general anaesthetic, you need to prepare in case it happens again.  With a temporary circumstantial depression, you have to concentrate on the fact that it'll pass.  Just get through the few difficult weeks as best as you can.  There are coping strategies you can learn and medication can help if necessary. 

The first couple of months after my surgery were really tough, I worried that I'd returned to the depressive state I was in pre-transition, was frequently angry or bursting into tears and was tempted to self-harm again (I hadn't done it for two years).  Now at 6 months post-op I'm functioning better than I ever have.  Would I go through it all again?  Absolutely, I'm so glad I had the surgery.  Probably the only thing I'd do differently is put a big piece of paper up on the wall containing three words "This will pass".

[Julie Marie]

Thank you for the help ladies. It's much appreciated.

I think a big part of this aversion to having the surgery is the fact that I know too much. Before FFS I had never had a surgery. Even having BA two weeks later didn't phase me much. I attribute much of that to being just plain ignorant. In both cases I really didn't have a clue about what I was getting into.

With GRS it's different. I KNOW a LOT! Besides having been through two surgeries myself and knowing what that's like, I've been with my partner through every step of her GRS.

I hugged her before she went up to the operating room.

I was there when she got back and watched how this normally very active woman struggled to move her butt onto the bed.

I was with her almost every waking hour while she was in the hospital. And I was with her all the time after she moved to the residence.

I was there when the stent came out and got a good picture of how big it is.

I was there when she did her first dilation and every subsequent one while in Montreal.

I saw her struggle with going to the bathroom.

I was there when the catheter came out and heard her protest when they said they will have to put it back in when she couldn't pee.

I heard her stress and saw this normally upbeat woman go into a depression as she wondered if she made the right choice.

When she was going for FFS I learned how to do her dilations in case she was too incapacitated to do them herself after surgery.

I've heard fatigue in her voice as she talked about dilation ruling her life and how painful it can be.

I've lived just about everything a person can live without having the surgery myself. 

I'd probably be just as apprehensive about FFS or BA if I knew all I did about them as I do about GRS.  In fact, I doubt I would have had FFS if I had known all that.

I guess what I need to do is take a page out of Nike's book and "just do it!" 

"Another fine mess you've gotten us into Julie!"

[Sandy]

I guess what I need to do is take a page out of Nike's book and "just do it!" 

If I may pull a transcript from some of the conversations we've had...

Sandy! Sometimes you think too damn much!!!

Yes, hon, "just do it."

You'll be fine.  ***HUGS***

-Sandy

[Ms.Behavin]

Yes Just do it.  The pain is or was more just discomfort.  It did take a bit out of me. but it takes a bit out of everyone.  The doctor did say I was the poster child  for how "fast" I recovered, but I felt old there for a while.  Dilation rules your life for a while, but that too gets easier.  after all you've been through, GRS should be a piece of cake.

Beni