Becoming a habit

[banshee]

 Need to confess. I've been crossdressing since about 15 off and on. I wore my mothers/sisters stuff on occasion when younger then stopped for a long time. About 14 years or so again I started again and went out and bought shoes/nylons/hose. I've purged and rebought stuff about a dozen times now. I just keep going back to it. When I moved in with my wife years back I thought I had quit for good but then she dared me out of the blue to dress. Lord, it was like a prayer answered. I did for a bit, only in private or with her. But I purged 3 times now and tried to stay 'clean'. Now, I find myself building up an inventory. I get the chills going to the store and buying stuff, just a pair of shoes and some hose, maybe an intimate slip or shapewear or something. Have no desire at all to go public, but fear grips me. Its like I cant stay quit. I sit here wearing stuff I like literally just bought. God whats wrong with me?

[fae_reborn]

There's nothing wrong with you hun, it's OK to dress if that is what you're comfortable doing.  "Men's" and "Women's" clothes are just designed differently, and if you prefer the way "Women's" clothes are designed then that's OK. 

If your wife is ok with you dressing, then that's good because it means she supports you.  Crossdressing does not make you sick or perverted, it's perfectly ok.  If you're afraid of buying clothes in public, don't be.  You're not doing anything wrong, and if anybody asks just say it's a gift for your wife.  If she went with you, would it make it easier?

As you accept the crossdressing, it'll get better.  If you're comfortable with crossdressing, and it makes you happy, then do it.  You're not hurting anyone.

It'll be ok.

[banshee]

thanks for the positive comments.

I'm just frustrated because I'm trying to stop it but just cant. Its like an addiction. So easy to get into it. I mean, I also look at too much porn and they kinda go hand in hand sometimes. I have read up on this some and even researched sex changes, not that i wanted or want to do so but it interested me. I think if I could actually pass as a woman I'd be all over it. But I dont want to do that, have a wife and kids and they mean the world to me. So basically I see myself going down this slippery slope sometimes and have controled it to self gratification, but it scares me how some let it go farther and if I did the same I'd lose what was most important to me.

I also worry about getting caught as it were. I mean, I couldnt live this down. My wife has been supportive in the past but I can tell there are some reservations. "your not the man i married" is the feeling i get when im dressed up, and I cant blame her cuz when im dressed in womens clothing its just not really me.

Now, I'm pretty liberal in some ways, and libertarian and others. One hell of a dichotomy. I'm not against gay rights or homosexuality per se, but I'm rather conservative and resentfull about gay marriage and the like. My attitude is basically 'look, if your gay fine, thats your business, but could you please not do this in front of me and my kids?' Yet, here I am living this double life in a way. It's very frustrating.

Thanks for listening and for feedback. I just needed to vent. On one hand I'm doing somehting in private that I very much enjoy but at same time I cant come to terms with it. Guess thats what I get for having grown up in the bible belt. I remember what times were like living in the south and resent that, but took some of the conservative messages to heart. Sigh....

[tekla]

Yeah, I'm with Fae here, if you don't have bodies buried in your backyard, or your not cooking meth and its just wearing clothes that some people would or might say are not 'men's' clothes, so what?  In fact, your helping keep the American Economy afloat so keep on buying.

As for how much is enough, put a geographic, or volume limit on it.  X amount of closet space, Y number of dresser drawers, and when you get there just do the Zen materialism deal of thinking, 'if I buy this one thing I will have to get rid of one thing at home' it makes for more sensible and sustainable decisions.  And relax and enjoy, it's your life.  Its nothing bad.

And for the life of me I've never figured out how liberals, libertarians, and conservatives could not agree on something they actually agree on, which is that the government has no business telling people who they can love, or who they can marry.  My kids grew up spending a lot of time in SF.  When we lived in good old it-don't-get-more-traditional-values-than-this IOWA, we knew two gay couples who we were very close to, who our kids grew up around and it didn't seem to matter.  The older one is married and breeding, the younger one is a frat boy who dates cheerleaders.

[banshee]

You know what I feel like? I feel like a conservative lesbian trapped in a mans body. I like women, dont care for men at all (and prefer working with women). I'm not gay, and the thought of it revolts me a bit (not saying its wrong just that its really not my thing). I enjoy being a guy and all, but their is this side to me... I'm not really a bad looking guy, not a model by any means but im alright. But then, there's my dark side i guess.

It kinda helps to get this out. Thanks.

[fae_reborn]

Banshee, I would reiterate that there's nothing wrong with what you're doing.  The best thing I can offer is, you just have to accept that you like crossdressing.  It doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't make you sick or some kind of monster.  Perhaps seeing a counselor would help?  I'm sure there are counselors out there who have worked with crossdressers and helped them accept themselves.  Maybe there's one in your area?

It seems like your family is important, but so is your mental health.  Talk to your wife.  Maybe the reservation of "you're not the man I married" is something you perceive, and not something that she actually feels.  If she supports you and loves you despite the dressing, it'll make things so much easier.  Seeking counseling for coping with the dressing will help too.

[tekla]

I work in a very bad part of town, and work with some pretty bad people, crossdressing and wacking it to porn is not a dark side.

[fae_reborn]

I work in a very bad part of town, and work with some pretty bad people, crossdressing and wacking it to porn is not a dark side.

Agreed.  It's perfectly ok, as long as you're not hurting anyone.  It doesn't sound like you are hurting anyone Banshee, so just go with it. 

[banshee]

As for how much is enough, put a geographic, or volume limit on it.

A practical suggestion, I appreciate it. I have a trunk that I keep under the bed. Originally it was where I kept some stuff from my bachelor days, old playboys and the like. It ended up being my 'closet' but I've purged it a few times now since being married. Anyways, the space thing is appropriate. I'm a dresser, not Imelda Marcos. (wife of an old philipino president reported to have a HUGE shoe collection)

And relax and enjoy, it's your life.  Its nothing bad.

The porn usage kinda worries me as well, to be honest. It's like a daily habit now. The dressing is much rarer (weekly maybe instead of daily if opportunity permits) but the porn usage worries me as well. Been using porn almost daily as long as I can remember, and thats a hard habit to kick. I think there must be some kind of dopamine release from it and I just cant think straight until I get that done. Sometimes I've thought it must be nice for women to not have that monkey on your back, the obsession with sex. Dunno if its testosterone or what, but man its like constantly there. How do you get used to that, its impossible to ignore.

Also, my wife used to get mad at me when we went out. I was always checking out other women. She's a bit conservative herself and really frowned on me for it. She's gotten a little more forgiving, and I've tried to not check women out as obviously. We've both worked at it I think. She knows I think that I'd never cheat on her, and I do believe that. Oh the temptation would be there but I've turned down opportunities before. I wont risk my marriage. And I guess thats what this boils down to, risking my marriage. Here is this institution I hold dear, wife and kids, but then I feel like this dark side comes rising up all the time and I have to beat it down (or off, sorry for the pun).

Have to say the internet is a wonderous thing, in allowing for this. But then, without it maybe I wouldnt have this dilema.

[tekla]

Porn and crossdressing existed long before the internet.

[banshee]

Porn and crossdressing existed long before the internet.

Yeah, lol. It did. I read somewhere once there was a Roman emperor who was a crossdresser and wanted his surgeons to make him a woman (but impossible as medical science was nowhere near as advanced as now).

On a off note, what do you do about a pair of pumps that pinch the toes. I bought a pair of size 10's when I really need 11's. Cute, but man do they pinch after a bit. I've understood why women complain as a result of all this.

On another side note, i dressed up as a nurse once for work (i'm a nurse) and wore an old nursing dress of my wifes that I fit in (much to her chagrin I assure you, its 'disappeared' lol). Half that night a few guys kept coming around to check on me, so now I also know what its like to be oogled. Funny thing is I did it as a gag and kept my beard on, but did shave my legs. I looked hot from behind i'm told, cept for the bit wide shoulders, but kept a cigar in my mouth and a beard and all my patients and family member cracked up laughing at it. That was a great holloween. I had to change back into guy uniform though as the frequent checks was a bit disconcerting.

[banshee]

Two glasses of wine, im getting a bit loopy, ill stop posting now I think, but promise to read more later. Obviously I'm one of those silent types who loosen up with beer/wine. LOL.

[tekla]

You take the shoes to cobbler and put then in a shoe stretcher for a few days.

And I went to Pompei once and the amount of porn on the walls is mindblowing.

[banshee]

I went to Pompei once and the amount of porn on the walls is mindblowing.

The Romans have a reputation. But when the average lifespan was into your 30's I guess you live life hard while you can.

I'm trying to break the pumps in, yeah. Never thought of going to a cobbler to do it though. I'm prior army (not trying to be something I'm not, thats just who I was/am) and I'm old school, you wear your boots till they bend to your will, not the other way around. So here I am wearing my nice $25 pumps till they realize I'm going to win and they might as well stretch a bit.

[tekla]

I'm old school union, and I take my boots into be stretched before I wear them to work the first time.  And, at that, I'll be in other shoes by the end of the day.

[banshee]

I'm old school union

LOL. Union is a dirty word where I'm from here in the south, but sometimes I wish they would come in and fix some things.

Another question since I have so much good advice raining in. I've shaved my legs in the past (quite hairy on the legs) and always break out with red spots. Tried a home wax job once (Nads, wife laughed I repressed yells) and the red spots came on a week later. Dont want to permanently loose the hair but wonder if a professional wax job might do the trick. Any pearls of wisdom from y'all?

[tekla]

Funny, The South is a dirty word where I live, in Cali.  And I'm in a very old, traditional union, founded in 1892.

[fae_reborn]

Banshee, try using a trimmer on your legs first to remove all the excess hair, then use a razor with some women's leg shaving cream, something with a moisturizer in it.  That might help.  It sounds like your razor is getting clogged up with hair and nicking your skin because it's dull, that may be the reason for all the red bumps.

[banshee]

Was stationed in California briefly. State is too liberal for my tastes, but there was a great tobacco shop in Monterrey I remember. What a lovely town. Was fortunate to have visited.

Can I even say something was too liberal for my tastes on a site like this? LOL!

Sorry if I ramble, the two glasses of wine have worked wonderfully and I'm more than a bit buzzing atm. Trying to watch for typo's here. Nothing worse than a ->-bleeped-<- who likes to talk/type alot when sauced. Must be a touch of OCD in me as I'm watching to typos as I go, but that must be the nurse in me.

I really appreciate the acceptance and support btw. So glad I found this forum.

Took the shoes off, my toes were crying. Shame I've done so many purges cuz I had some wonderfull shoes in the past, comfortable and good looking. I guess if I was a real girl (GG I think y'all call it -Genetic Girl?) I would have been one of those chicks all about the shoes. But thats probably because I'm a leg man myself. Wow I love it when women show off their legs.

[banshee]

Banshee, try using a trimmer on your legs first to remove all the excess hair, then use a razor with some women's leg shaving cream, something with a moisturizer in it.  That might help.  It sounds like your razor is getting clogged up with hair and nicking your skin because it's dull, that may be the reason for all the red bumps.

I've tried various routes. I've shaved my legs a few times with my wife and waxed at home once. I can honestly say I have nice legs but the rash/red spots kinda kills it. The waxing looked ok once the redness went down after about 12 hours or so, but when the hair started coming back in it was back to the redness again (although not as severe). I'm leaning towards just having a professional wax job. Was wondering if others have had the same issues and how to resolve them. Dont want to permanently loose the hair. The wife says she likes the hair and for the same reason I wear a beard. I like the beard as well, its who I am. I've shaved beard twice since being married and wife didnt respond well to that. She says its not an issue but I know it is. Odd, I can shave my legs and dress in womens clothing and she's only occasionally wierded by it, but loose the beard and its a week of silence till I can grow it back. Maybe its what she recognizes me by and she's too important to me to loose that.

Fae_reborn and Tekla I love your responses and support. I have no real friends beyond my wife, but enjoy your feedback. Trying to work this out and its good to have a dialog with non-involved parties.

Just sitting here dressed makes me feel relaxed, but then that may be the wine working as well. Probably gonna go to sleep for a while soon. Anyways, thanks for the support.