Quote from: northy on January 17, 2009, 09:51:57 PM
..I dunno it just clicked, the memories make sense now. but this whole thing is just unreal. What if I am just psychotic or this is some kind of disorder that started at 17, after my depressive breakdown?
What if this is just some obsession or phase? But searching through these feelings and memories I've had, validate myself in my mind.. but what if none of this is real and just a delusion?
And why can't I just be comfortable in my own skin?
Why does changing my outside have to matter? Why do I care so much?? Why do we care? If I take T, have surgeries, I'm still gonna be female. What if I really am? What if my brain really is female, and I was supposed to be? And I'm just some weirdo who's mutilating their body who just can't accept things as they are? The sky is blue and the grass is green so why do I wanna change it? Cause I think blue sky and green grass are ugly in my world??
Why can't I accept my female role and body and just try to force myself to do all the things women do and just deal with it?
I've decided to transition in the past few months but today I'm just having a lot of doubts. I feel so easily affected by these types of comments from people.. What if I can't function as a man? I can't now. What if I'll never make new friends? Lovers? Reconnect with my family? Find a job? What if I screw this all up even more by transitioning and end up killing myself anyways?....
But what do I have to lose.. I've already started dressing completely male, and readying myself for transition. What if I change my mind? But the feelings are just so intense..
I just wish it were simpler, that I were a normal person.. who puts everything including gender in a nice neat box. Who doesn't have to question their gender or sanity or how they'll get along in the world..
So I'd like your thoughts on whether TS and gender dysphoria could be or is caused by mental illness.. as well as whether it's our mind or body that's wrong?
Northy:
I think that if you check around here you'll find that there are a lot of us that have asked those very same questions!
Are you depressed because you are trans? Or are you trans because you are depressed? Does it matter?
Also a mental illness isn't a bad thing. It is used to describe the symptoms and condition a person may be suffering trying to deal with their life. And, yes, GID is considered a mental illness. But it is not considered to be in the same class as a psychosis or personally/socially harmful condition.
Each one of us have to grapple with the question "Why can't I just be comfortable in my own skin?" "Am I weird or what?"
Unfortunately, being transsexual is something that there is no test for (at least not while you are alive). You are transsexual, because you say you are. So having doubts is very understandable. Even those of us who have completely transitioned to their chosen gender sometimes question whether or not it was the right thing. I do sometime, though I have never regretted my decision.
If you take testosterone, have the surgeries, your body will still be genetically female, that is true. But where does masculinity truly reside? Is it between your legs, or between your ears?
Many who consider themselves to be transsexual, feel that having this condition is a terminal illness. Sooner or later the distress of being unable to reconcile our physical body with our mental feelings becomes so distressing that depression becomes clinical and can easily give way to suicidal thoughts and actions.
And the only known cure is to transition physically and socially, as much as possible, to the gender that we KNOW ourselves to be.
It is not an easy path. And yes, all the fears that you have mentioned, and maybe more, you will have to face. This is the most daunting and challenging thing a human being can do. It changes the most fundamental aspects of every part of our life. It will not only challenge you, but those around you, your family, friends and co-workers.
We do not follow this path because of some trivial need of gratification. We follow this path because we can to nothing else.
But I will tell you that if you do decide to pursue this. You find that once you do transition, life will become a thing of color and beauty. For the first time you will experience a feeling you never knew, normalcy. For many of us, feeling normal is something we never get to feel until we transition. And what a wonderful feeling it is!
You have come to the right place to talk about this. Many brothers and sisters have made this journey and can understand exactly what you are going through. You are not alone. You are loved.
Welcome, my brother! You are among friends.
-Sandy
