made my bed,,, so to speak

[Linda]

,,,now I have to lay in it.

In a previous post I mentioned my freind, known her for about 20 years, The first "guy" i told about my TG/mtf issues way back when. I'll call her J. J's been FT for two years now, transitioning for about 5. She was about my best friend for awhile, back then. She's the one assisting me by hooking me up with her therapist. I am not employed, so monies an issue for me. She was over last night to talk. We are friends, that's all, we're going to visit a local university support group together. J always advocated seeing the therapist b efore I tell T, so I can better get my head around it.

I might add all the great info I find here, personal stories, links and all have been such a great help. Thank You All, again.
*BIG HUGS*

Now to recall my gf of 4 years last August. I Love her, and have been getting my facts together because we are talking about moving in together and she needs to know about my tg issues before that. I mentioned her in my posts as well. I'll call her T, as I usually do.

NOW the dilemma. J's a real good friend, so I went to text her today, thanking her for visiting and ended it with the *hugs* line. Well, when the fone beeps to let me know I've got text msgs., it's T. All it said was "wrong one". Next text, "Who are you sending hugs too?"

I've been trying to get my facts together to tell her. We both drink too often and too much most times, and her youngest is always around. I figure the speech, when I was ready, woulld easily take an afternoon, if she didn't kick me out then and there.

I'm shaking, I'm crying and I need to figure out what to sat without lying to her. I told her, via text, (she's working), [ again, real swift Linda] I'll try to expalin it later when she calls me. I'm not hanging at her place today because often I spend time at my place some 20 miles away to get mail, stuff like that.

I can't see telling her something so deep about myself over the fone. I'm going there tomorrow, but there'll only be an hour after she gets off work before I leave for my job. I should maybe go over there, or try to get her to stay the course till the weekend when I sit down for awhile with her.

I don't know what I expect anyone to say, maybe silly girl, I've been real lcareful, but it was bound to happen I guess. I just neede to come to a safe place and vent. I'm actually deeply affected. Still shaking. I'm kinda scared, too. I seem to have let my control over this "talk" slip away.

I text her that it was a friend helping me deal with my relationship to her, (T), and my drinking. All this is truth, but I can't let T on to J's history. J won't mind, but it would certainly ruin my chances of maintaining control, I think.

Way too many words, sorry. Thanks for letting me rant. OMG,, I'm really scared and unsure, but I feel as though I know what I have to do.
There's the text tone, *GULP* gotta go.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[paulault55]

Hi Linda,

I'm no means an expert at this but does T have any idea about you, i think lying about it now will only come back to haunt you when you do tell her later. As far as a speech taking an afternoon one word don't, it will be information overload for her, just tell her how you feel, and make it simple for her to understand in as few words as possible, i would certainly do it face to face, i gave my family True Selves to read, you can probably find it at the library. I'm not out to my boss yet and i almost outed myself to him last week when i called, i almost said hi this is Paula, i can hear him now saying who's Paula. Hope everything turns out ok.

Paula.

[Chrissty]

Hi Linda,

Without dropping "J" in it, being honest with your gf about "J's" situation sounds like a good idea. Avoid going into too much detail, but the fact you can be honest and openly discuss the subject a little, could be of real benefit in plannig the best way to let her know how you feel....even the secrecy thing would probably make perfect sense to her when you explain you have kown "J" for 20 years.

...just try avoid the temptation to jump in about your own story with both feet!

Take Care



Chrissty

[Nicky]

The actual text thing is not a big deal. You could of just said it was a friend. No need to say more than that. Not that unusual to send hugs to a friend, specially via text. I don't see any dillema there.

Sounds to me like you are over thinking it. Do it simple. Take 5 minutes. You don't need to bombard her with facts, you don't need to work at convincing her of anything at this point. Cut the speaches. Just tell her the bones "I've been this way my whole life but have been afraid to tell you that I am transgendered" and let her ask questions.

[Linda]

Thanks everyone. I didn't have opportunity to get back before this morning. I went to T's place yesterday. Explaining the text was better face to face, and she "smileyed" me when I asked if I should go to her place. I wasn't planning on tellling her about my TG issues,,, Guess I should have taken a "Tact" pill.

It went along well, explaining the text message without having to lie. But she kept with questions, and the evil eye. One thing led to another, then another. It went something like this,,

Your friend have a name?//Yes//If you're not telling me the name of your friends it must be a female//Yes, no worries hun, we just talk about things// then the evil eyes.
So I tell her my friends name. She thanked me for that.
But a while later she asked,, //what are you talking about that you can't talk to me about//I'm not sure you  would get it, it's complicated//
As suggested I kept it simple, maybe too simple. I basically asked her if she new what GID and trangsgendered meant. Open jaws, empty eyes. I felt like I was instantly dead to her.

Then there was a lot of crying. Anyone have a time machine? She feels betrayed. I wish I could make it un-happen. I feel ill, I feel selfish. Aside from hiding this from just about everyone I know, I never really felt bad about being tg, till now.

What did Chrissty say about both feet? It all happened rather slow motion, like the proverbial on-coming train, and before I knew it, slam.

But it was bound to happen, yes it was. 4 years plus, very possibly gone. My head hurts. My heart aches. I've irreversibly damaged the One I hold dearest in my heart. I feel like I'm gonna throw-up.

[RebeccaFog]

Hi,

   I'm sorry it went the way it did.
   As terrible as it feels, please try to remember a couple of things. 
   First, misunderstandings and hurt feelings are a part of every relationship.  I'm reminding you of this so that you don't feel so alone in going through this.
   Second, whatever happens, you still have J for a friend that you can be open with.
   Third, there's never any good time to tell anyone about being transgendered.  Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for picking the wrong time, or the wrong way, to tell T.
   Fourth, both you and T will come out of this okay.  You may or may not stay a couple, but you each will heal.

   I think the betrayal thing is a common feeling for loved ones.  If she is willing to listen, maybe you can direct her to some resources that might help her to understand.

   I really hope it gets better soon and works out for you.


Rebis

[Linda]

Thank you, Rebis, very comforting and helps put things in perspective. You're correct, it's not the end of the world, just the end of the world as we know it.

Thanks again to everybody at Susans.
I'm fine, I think. I got a "Love you too" text message from T earlier today. There's a glimmer of Hope.
peace

[vanna]

Aside from hiding this from just about everyone I know, I never really felt bad about being tg, till now.

Hi Linda

well thats where your first going wrong, i had this guilt complex with someone very close on a intense level and as a very dear person to me on here has pointed out many times to me...why are you feeling bad about who you are? you have that right to live and its your friend who needs to understand not you to explain your existence and make excuses for it.

I hope it works out sweetie but if it doesnt then move on to people who love you for being you an not an ideal.

[Linda]

you have that right to live and its your friend who needs to understand not you to explain your existence and make excuses for it.
I hope it works out sweetie but if it doesnt then move on to people who love you for being you an not an ideal.

That is a very profound thought, that she "needs" to understand. But you may be right. I can't force it on her. She knows now, and as the ebb and flow of this passes , I can only hope she'll understand, and better yet, accept.

Thank you for your advice and sincere wishes, Ms. Delgado. Definately food for thought.

[Nicky]

That was really brave of you Linda and something you had to do eventually. I could see how cut up you were and how much anguish you had thinking about when to tell her. You did it the best you could at a time when it just needed to come out.

Emme, one of the significant others on this site, often talks about her reaction which was to go fetal on the kitchen floor and cry. It was just her way of dealing with it. A strong reaction is not always a bad one.

The love you message is no small thing. It shows she has not completely shut the door and is willing to think about things. T needs time to process and is entitled to her hurt. It is easy to feel guilty but you did not choose to be transgendered.

I hope you're doing well.

[Chrissty]

Awww.... I'm sorry it didn't go as planned...

...but as Nicky says, the text message is a real ray of hope ...

When you next talk you need to stay calm and let her ask the questions....
.....try not to go into too much detail with the answers, and see if she will let you hug her/hold her..
.....body contact is good for the healing process if she will allow it...

I really hope this works out for you..

*big hug* 

Chrissty

[Linda]

Into the eye of the storm. We made it, through two days extreme emotions. I let her ride it out on her own terms, at her own pace and you know what? While she's given me no promises, which I expected, she wants to learn more. I'm not fooling myself, there still alot to contend with, but we've come further than I could hope for just a short while ago.

I've brought her to Susans Forums, shown her some of my posts, some stuff I've bookmarked, and she may just even join. That'd be real far out. I've told her about te SO forum.  She found Wiki all on her own. She's a strong woman, my T, I always knew that.

Thanks, paulault55, Chrissty, Nicky, Rebis, Ms. Delgado.

You've all been wonderful helping me through this.
Where's that bottle of mead I've been saving,,
*hugs*

[RebeccaFog]

We're rooting for the both of you.   

[Nicky]

We're rooting for the both of you.   

Ah Rebis, any excuse 

[Linda]

you funny Nicky, make my sides hurt, hah-hah-hah!

[Linda]

So, many days have past since my last post. My T's been trying to deal, she's a mess. She asked me "not to be there when I come home" last Sunday. Then she's allowed me to be there, (Tuesday) because i offered the concept of touch being good medicine. My oh my, had I known, what would I have done. 20/20 hindsight, ya think?

She went to the SO chatroom. She told me no one responded. That's strange, I told her, for All here are compassionate and helpful. Maybe it was that she wasn't a registered user? She has been reading several of the forums,,, . T want's to know what makes us 'click', aside of her fears.

Is there anyway i can link my bookmarks to another user, if she registered as a user? So she can read my posts with one click?

Anyways, she says things like "I don't want to see you in 'ladies things',," and "Where do you want to go from here?" I answer truthfully, then she cries, and then I cry. I tell her I desire therapy to help me understand these things, and she's for that. I Love Her. She's trying.
Goddess Bless.

OH! Her horror-scope yesterday mentioned stuff about chaos, acceptance and loved ones,,, way too scarey. We both were struck.
I got chills. Being somewhat Pagan, I have some faith in "telling", but I gave up on horoscopes years ago. What I read yesterday, (shudder) Head on. Almost unbelievable. Dang, I'll say it,, too real.

[Jessie_Heart]

Dear Linda

I went through something very similar to this with my partner and we had been married for 3 years at the time. I had let her know about some aspects of who I am early on but in very timid ways (i.e. I told her I enjoyed to wear womens clothes once in a while.) but the full truth was alot for her to take in. I suggested a break of sorts from our relationship for a little while so she could have time to think. during this time I slept on the couch and let her come to me when she wanted. she asked questions on a daily basis and we talked as friends. after two months she decieded that she could handle everything and I let her know that if she ever needed another break or ever had questions let me know.

we have had a few bumps in the road but things are good between us. I have many times let her know that if it ever becomes too much for her all she needs to do is let me know and I wouldn't resent her even if she didn't want to be married to the real me I want her as a friend I enjoy spending time with her and I always want her in my life even if we are no longer together in a relationship.

It has been thirteen years since I came out to her and we are still together and I know that our relationship and more importantly our friendship is stronger now than it has ever been. when I first came out I was so afraid we would split up but I realized that as long as I hid who I was we were never truely together anyway.

I wish you the best.