How supportive were Family and Friends when you came out

[cindybc]

Hi this thread is for the discussion, and sharing with others about how supportive was your family and friends or how not supportive and to what degree were they supportive or not supportive?

Was it an outright violent rejection?

What are your plans that you think may reconcile you with your family?

What do you think that this time around this new attempt will allow them to reconsider the credibility and reality of your new gender?

How did you handle or deal each situation that threatened your own well being and sanity when dealing with both your peers and family?

What positive steps do you take to assure your well being, like for example, jobs, school, relocating, making new friends, settling in and blending in, or as some call it,going stealth, as just another member of society? 

How did you accomplish a successful relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend?

How did you deal with the failures with dates?

If you were outed or you outed yourself, how did you deal with the violent feedback from your date?

And lastly, If you have tried and tried but have not succeeded, what  plans do you have for the future you think will work for you?
What do you conclude what will make it work this time?

Cindy

[Marie]

It seems like alot of these questions seem to concern violence or danger to oneself due to coming out.

The only person who hasn't taken my confession well is my mother, you can read all about that in my "6 months in" thread below.

I haven't run into any violence yet.  I've taken some risks and once told a guy (we'd been friends for a few months prior) when we were alone and I was wayyy too drunk and wayy defenseless.  I made it out ok (he was a gentleman), though we really don't talk anymore.

As far as dealing with failure, I've only asked out that one guy.  I still look quite male and had no real hope of him being interested, so I didn't go in with very high expectations.  If I ever get to a point where I feel confident in my appearance and get turned down I suppose I will look at it as one more out of the way until I find the right one. (or he finds me).  If I am turned down resoundingly time and time again, I may invest more time in myself and figure out why it keeps happening.  If I determine I can't change it then I will learn to live alone, I will never settle for less than what I want in a man (respect for me as a woman and to an equal degree physical and emotional attraction).

[coolJ]

I came out to my wife and 2 friends. The 2 friends are totally accepting and understanding. My wife feels betrayed but also feels bad for me because she knows whats been tormenting me now. She really cant help me because if I try to transition at all she won't stay married to me. I'd probably loose the kids too.
I wont come out to anyone else because they would probably take it like my wife. And it might hurt my wife and kids otherwise I could care less who knew. At this point I can't be hurt but my wife and kids are another story.

[shanetastic]

They were more supportive than I was to myself.

I have only told people I am very close with though as well.  Only one person I told I don't talk to or see anymore, and I'm not sure exactly if it was because of that or our busy schedules.  Either way, their loss as I'm too entertaining of a person not to be friends with!

[MaggieB]

When I finally came out and said that I was a woman not a man, it was greeted in my family with disbelief. Even though my wife and adult daughter are educated and live in liberal California, when it came to having a family member be trans, it was and is a huge problem. My wife is now my sister and my daughter avoids communication with me. The acceptance by my wife came only after much pain and argument. She finally had to be convinced that ->-bleeped-<- exists and then that I have it. She did not go quietly. Now, I sleep alone, don't have any intimate contact, and wonder what my future is. I am in the untenable position that I have a small home business that makes enough to put food on the table but not enough to live alone. Then again she doesn't make enough to put food on the table but does pay the rent. So we live together in this truce of sorts, trying to make it as two women sharing a house.
My business customers have taken the news pretty well. No real problems there but business is down some. Then again, with the economy, I can't tell if it is because of me coming out or that people have less to spend on hobbies.
As for friends, I told a couple and they accepted. They weren't close but they said "Whatever makes you happy"
There are no other relatives to tell.
All in all, it is not as nice as I hoped but it is nicer than what I have heard others go through.

[Sheeba]

I came out when I was 17. I was living with my mother and she couldn't deal with it. She kicked me out and I moved to California. My father disowned me and refused to talk to me.  My friends were supportive and really helped me. My best friend charged my SRS to her credit card and let me make monthly payments. She was an angel for me.
A few years after I had SRS I reconnected with my Mom and shortly after my Dad came around. Now we all get along great and they are always asking me to come stay with them. They've come to accept me completely as who I am and I doubt they think of the person I used to be very much.

You just never know who is going to accept you and who isn't and it can  be a real surprise.

[glendagladwitch]

I lost every single friend and all my family.  I did reconnect with my sister a few years later, and we exchange phone calls and the occasional gift these days.  But that's it.

[mina.magpie]

My mom and dad were cautious to begin with, but more out of concern that I was unsureinsanenutscrazy than for any "shame" or loss of face - my parents have never really cared all that much about appearances, for which I'm really, really grateful. Today they are totally behind me. My brother said "Oh, okay", and moved on, though he does struggle with making that shift in his head. Relatives and friends ... were supportive for the most part, in email and over the phone, but real life is proving ... strained, so we'll see. Also, I haven't seen many of them in 5, 6 years, so who knows (or cares) really.

Mina.

[cindybc]

Hi all, thank you for dropping by and sharing your stories. I believe that in the telling of one's story, one is able to learn from their own experience, as well as possibly enlightening other members participating in this thread.

For some it may be a relatively fresh wound that needs airing out. For others I believe it is also beneficial for them to share how they dealt with their particular situation and how for some who have overcome those obstacles, enabling them to have gone on with their lives.

My story leading into transitioning began in 1998. I had a friend's three children in my care, just a year prior to my plan for coming out full time. My friend had become unable to care for her children because of drug abuse and had to go away for a time. I had those three children in my care for two years. During those two years I met Wing Walker and I began my full time transitioning during the last  summer that the children would be under my roof.

That same summer I went full time on the job and the good folks of that small town, surprisingly most readily accepted me for who I presented as. I will forever be grateful for those folks for allowing me my early tentative beginnings as a woman. Unfortunately my family, my only other sibling whom I shared a close relationship with literally turned her back on me and just walked away. That was 9 years ago and it still hurts just as much as if it were yesterday.

I have two nieces who claim they accept me but only at arms length, not in their home. My two daughters left home 9 years ago to make their own living and I haven't heard form them since. Although it was my oldest daughter who supported me the most leading up to my coming out, that much I can be thankful to her for.   

I was so grateful for having those three children in my care for that short time, they also helped me come to terms with my transitioning even if they were not aware of it.  Can you imagine how proud that made me feel when I was walking about town with my three children in tow?  I truly loved those children like they were my own.

I can thank God for my now mate Wing Walker for being in my life and the people I worked with as a social worker. Since then I have undergone the surgery to correct an imperfection of nature down below. This allowed me to feel more deeply the nurturing, intuitive and loving sensitivities for others who are close to me. I may not any longer have blood family but I have many friends I could call as my surrogate family. 

I feel like I have finally come home, like I belong with other women. I love sharing all aspects of life, sharing, thoughts, feelings and   perspectives on life with other women friends. It is an entirely new concept from the one I remember of the one I use to have.

For the past 20 years I worked as a social worker, the greatest majority of folks I worked with was women. 

During this time a romantic loving intimate relationship developed between Wing Walker and I. Having another relationship in this lifetime with another I never dreamed would ever happen to me again.   

We got married in Ontario Province Canada four years ago, then moved over half way across the continent to settle down in Vancouver, BC where upon Wing Walker proceeded to arrange for SRS for herself.

9 weeks ago that miracle was realized. We are both as female as medical science can make us. I feel more fulfilled than I ever have any other time in my life. I have new friends, I do volunteer work at a Women's shelter where the participants have become another extension to my surrogate family. What more can I ask for? Pretty well all of my dreams have been fulfilled and I have never been happier in my life.

I believe that after living through thirty years of hell I deserve those nice things that I could only dream of only a few short years ago. A woman in love and loving life?  I deserve it! I have found a home for this little story which I hope that I may touch someone else within the pages of my blog. I believe I have paid for my sins in full.

All in all, it is not as nice as I hoped but it is nicer than what I have heard others go through.

Hi Maggie Kay, Your story has a resemblance to mine in some aspects. Sweets, things will get better once you find how to fly solo. I will send prayers that all will go as it should, I will send prayers that shall go as it should for all who have participated here. 

Cindy.

[coolJ]

"9 weeks ago that miracle was realized. We are both as female as medical science can make us. I feel more fulfilled than I ever have any other time in my life. I have new friends, I do volunteer work at a Women's shelter where the participants have become another extension to my surrogate family. What more can I ask for? Pretty well all of my dreams have been fulfilled and I have never been happier in my life"


Hi Cindy, I'm very happy for you. You go girl!!

[cindybc]

Thank you coolJ , boy if I had a quarter for every time I retold that story I could own a Cadillac. But then I am happy with our 2008 Jeep Liberty. At least I added some and enhanced some for this presentation, but the meaning remains the same. I meant every word I feel truly blessed for having had a wonderful journey in transition. Heck there was only one way to go from where I started out at the bottom of the hole. It proves one thing, if an old bat like me can do it anyone can.

Cindy 

[vanna]

For me,
Mum recently said love is unconditional and has accepted every part of me and my adopted sister too.

Step-dad was only major negative, a very long story short...told me to leave and go grow a pair, so i did.....

34B looking nicely

[SomeMTF]

My sister is not supportive. She is the worst in my family. It his hard to understand sometimes. 

[Northern Jane]

I never "came out" - wasn't necessary - anybody with eyes to see know there was "something wrong with me" from very early. I had friends who accepted me as just "different" and others that couldn't quite get their head around me. But my adopted mom wouldn't accept, refused t see what was in front of her  eyes and it finally came to me being disowned. At age 24 I left home with a suitcase (and a bank draft) and started all over again.

[cindybc]

Hi Northern Jane, you are luckier then me sis, I didn't even have a suitcase, I only just had what I could stuff in two garbage bags and it was in January, lucky it was mild weather at the time. May God Bless, we deserve a good life.

Cindy

[Julie Marie]

For the most part, the reaction from siblings was distant.  Some chose silence, some chose to say they accept but don't invite me to family functions, some are accepting but uncomfortable. 

My youngest son stopped talking to me and four years later remains silent.  My daughter has lived with me, then totally rejected me but has now resumed contact.  My step son is reclusive but has been that way all his life.

The rest of the family expressed support but if I don't contact them there's no correspondence or communication.

Before I was out I was included in just about everything.  Since then I'm excluded from just about everything.  Gender presentation is more important than love, blood or a lifetime together.  Lesson learned.

Julie

[Sheila]

When I came out, I think it was some were supportive and some weren't. My wifes side of our family rejected me but we rejected them before this all happened. So that was a wash. My wife fully supported me which is really all that counted. My daughter was in full support but my son wasn't and we haven't talked in over 6 or 7 years and he only lives about 3 miles from us. My mom is fully in support, in fact she gave me a birthday card when I had my surgery. I don't have a dad. My sister says that she finally has a sister to talk to and my brother is well he is the same. He never talks. We visited him about 2 years ago and he bought us all dinner so I guess he isn't bothered by me. My friends well some kind of distance themselves while others wanted to be in my life more. I get mixed reactions from my new friends at my new job. Some don't care some don't want anything to do with me. As far as my new job goes, fully in support, in fact the supervisor told me that if any word is negative let her know and she will deal with it. I have been there for almost 5 years. I retired from my last job but they made some changes in their policies about transgendered people since I retired. I really haven't had anything bad happen to me and every place I go I'm accepted as female. I guess I pass or they put on a great show.

[Chaunte]

Hi this thread is for the discussion, and sharing with others about how supportive was your family and friends or how not supportive and to what degree were they supportive or not supportive?

Was it an outright violent rejection?   
    My sister was cautious.
    My brother was angry.
    My mother said, "I'm not surprised," and has been very supportive.

What are your plans that you think may reconcile you with your family?
    My mother has been helping my siblings with this and it appears to be working.

What do you think that this time around this new attempt will allow them to reconsider the credibility and reality of your new gender?
    My sister - yes, though she still calls me by my old name.
    My brother - not yet.  He is still working on understanding.

How did you handle or deal each situation that threatened your own well being and sanity when dealing with both your peers and family?
    To date, this has not been a problem.  I plan to take some self-defense classes when i can afford them.
    I am more concerned when I am out with my kids than when I am alone.
    Even so, my eyes never stop watching.

What positive steps do you take to assure your well being, like for example, jobs, school, relocating, making new friends, settling in and blending in, or as some call it,going stealth, as just another member of society? 
    My school administration, students, faculty and parents have been outstanding.

How did you accomplish a successful relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend?
    I haven't had a relationship at this point.  While I miss the companionship, I don't know if I
    am ready for a relationship.  Would probably be a girlfriend.  Besides, somehow, I think my
    course plot is going to take me in a different direction.

[lizard]

friends family and everyone so far has been VERY accepting.  My parents took it hard at first, mostly cause they felt bad and guilty that i was dealing with this alone for so long. And took them a bit to come up to speed and get comfortable with what was happening and what transition would mean, etc.
My wife is also crazy supportive.  It took her pretty much only 2 days to get deal with it.  For her she realized that this was what i needed for happiness.  Plans are to stay together at this point, and things look good.

[Jamie_B]

Mom and dad are both supportive and accepting.  However, they say they need time to assimilate the news.  Mom is a little... annoyed I think and bordering on not believing it due to her "not having seen it".  Its as if she believes that because she herself didn't notice anything I must be mistaken.  They are both pretty quiet about it actually... mom has been a bit helpful with this and that but dad hasn't said anything about it since I told them.  Mom has a bit of a heart condition and so tells me that she can't get upset so she cant think about it for too long at a time and the same goes for my sister only more so.  I have been instructed *not* to tell my sister right now because she also has a heart condition and can't get upset.  Neither my mothers' side of the family nor my fathers' know anything and to be honest probably won't for many years if at all.  I was contacted by an old friend the other day.  I hadn't seen him nor talked to him since the early 90's.  He reacted wonderfully to it, said it wasn't something you hear every day and remarked about how much courage it must have taken me to come out.  He really surprised me with his reaction actually...pleasantly.  Mom, dad and sister... will just have to take more time.