I've been the most awful absentee member lately, for which I apologise. My reason for not posting so much, as I said a while back, is that it's not really possible for me to go ahead with transition, so I don't like thinking about it.
What I have started doing is going to counselling. I've been to two sessions so far, and I am going to another on Friday. The counsellor I see isn't specialised in gender issues, but she's very understanding of my situation all the same. It's just nice to talk things over with someone, 'cause I feel pretty isolated right now. I'm surrounded by so many people, like my family and friends, but I've told none of them, so I'm still alone in this. Great as this forum is, ultimately, it's only by talking face to face that I can hope to feel less alone.
And yet still, there are things I am keeping from her. Certain things deeper and more personal than gender stuff which I will discuss on Friday, because I so badly need to get it out of my system.
Life has improved very slightly for me now, and I hope it continues to do so. Only problem: cheapskate NHS only gives 6 sessions with the Counsellor at the GP surgery, so at some time in the future I will have to come up with something else. But for now, I'll be okay.