Am I Getting Too Old For This . . .

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Tristan,

   Your situation does feel familiar to me. I don't expect to ever pass as female. It would be better if there were already an accepted template for inbetweeners, or "crossbreeds" (as I've been thinking of myself lately).
   I have read that there are communities spread out across the country where genderqueer people can present themselves as they wish. Maybe it's going to be up to isolated individuals in less enlightened communities to start showing ourselves as who we are. It scares the hell out me just thinking about it, but maybe the only thing holding us back is ourselves.
   Once a few of make create a presence maybe others will follow. I feel like vomiting just thinking about being the one of the first.

Beatrix said

It's getting bad.  I'm forgetting stuff, really obvious stuff and I don't know if it's the gender thing, the new baby thing, the drug thing, or the depression & anxiety thing, or a combination thereof.

   Beatrix, I have felt this way in the past.  I couldn't remember anything and it literally felt like the inside of my head was becoming solid and unusable. Sometimes when people were talking to me, I didn't understand anything they said and my simplest tasks at work became arduous chores. It was definately stress and anxiety. It took me a long time to get past it, but when I did, everything became clear again. My shoulders felt loose, ideas flowed easily through my mind, and most importantly, I became reconnected with who I was as a child and who I should be now.
  I said all that because I want you to know that anxiety/stress can be overcome. It's not something you can just turn off, but it can be worked out using different methods which you may be familiar with because you already have a therapist.


with Love,

Rebecca

[TheBattler]

Beatrix,

I know exactly what you are going through as I have just got through that period myself. It was a few very bad weeks but for now I am happy again. My doctor things my medication has started to take full effect. These medications always take a while to work so I would wait a while and talk to your doctor before changing - it is worth waiting if you have not been using the medication for long enough.

Once depression lifts you will be supprised how quickly you will feel normal and can start to make good decisions. First thing you need to do is find stability.

I am also in the middle of both genders. I am not interested in transistion as I have never consisdered myself a girl. What I am doing is lots of research into gender issue with my theripst and I will soon be talk to a Gender specilist in Sydney to give me more ideas. For myself I needed to enjoy be TG and to stop fighing myself. I am sure you are in the middle of that fight yourself - just relax and enjoy the ride for a while - it will give you a small mental break that you need. I am lucky as I am single so I so I can not offer you much advise on how to handle the wife.

Remember there are many out there who do not feel the need to transistion and are happy to stay as a cross dressor. You may be one of them - nobody is preasuring you to do anything you do not want. Once you feel stability say out loud what you want to do. I can category say out loud I do not want to transistion. That is just me - say what you want to do and ensure everyone including your wife and cousellor know what you want. I have found that many of my friends are very understanding- they have seen me struggle with this so they know I am not doing anything just because I feel like it. It is inside of us and we must express our feelings to be happy and stable - denile does not help.

I am also starting to experiment and I am starting to go out as Alice. I consisder this experimentation as a learning experience and help me to better understand myself. Be safe in whatever you do but if you feel like experiementing it is easy to do.

Good luck with this.

Alice

[Melissa]

Alice, that is a healthy attitude.  Never feel pressured to transition.  You should do it only if your situation will be better in the end.  I knew from the beginning it would make mine better and it has for the most part.  Not that it made life's problems go away (and in fact introduced additional ones), but because I feel much more comfortable with who I am.

Melissa

[seldom]

I can say without question.  I know what you are going through.  I am 28 year old lawyer who identifies as androgynous, bi-gender, whatever(my born sex is male).  It runs pretty deep with me. I fall into the very typical androgyne boat as not really being able to identify with males or females fully.   (I also live in the Chicago area BTW).  Unlike you I have always had a clear idea of my gender self, but it has screwed up relationships.  It is also nice that my immediate family has figured this out even though it is unspoken.

I do not have kids or wife/husband.  But I do think you may have hurt yourself with not being upfront with your wife in the first place. 

But I do have a professional career. 

Also getting out HELPS.  Luckily I found a few friends who are also genderqueer and I do have someplace to go.  Getting psychological helps, but having a community and friends to fall back on also helps greatly.  I never had the issues of depression that many people with gender issues also face, but it seems like that is what you are going through.  Seek help, but also seek friendship. 

Also myspace is not exactly the best place to look at profiles.  The site tends to lean young in the first place.  There are other people out there who are genderqueer (I identified myself as androgynous since early in High School) who are your age, and being introspective about these issues can happen any time in your life.  Just as long as you can identify these issues at some time and find who you really are. 

Chris

[beatrix]

Part of the fun is that I've only recently thought about all this and put it into words . . . and still they fail me.  I have always been differant.  I mean, really differant.

But I want to kind of transition, not all the way, but as feminine as possible without surgery (any kind) and hormones (though I'm not sure about that one).  Somewhere in-between is the destination right now.

I don't know.  Today was weird.  I'll talk to my therapist next week.  She suggested I wait a little longer (the baby is about 6 weeks old now) before I tell my wife.  I see the reasons, but . . .

What's most frustrating is that I have trouble putting it into words, even still they fail me.  I've studied the English language for nearly a decade now, and I still don't have the words.  Or even spelling prowess.

I do need to get out, and I know Chi-town is not that far away, but I just need some time.  I'll research that a little more.

[Mark3]

I know a lot of people have "always known" what they really are, and I'm happy for them.  Really and sincerely and truly.  But I really haven't had much opportunity for this introspection until lately.  The second child really makes me put things in perspective.  I've avoided introspection for a long time, and it haunts me now.  But I am here, now, and I can't fix what I didn't do before, all I can do is worry about it now.  Is that selfish?

Epiphanies welcome!

I was reading older topics, and thought this might be helpful to those questioning their identities or maybe feel they've put it off for a long time, and they've come here to Susan's to finally answer the questions they have about themselves.?

I'm a perfect example of this. I put off trying to find my true self almost my whole life, and have just realized how important it is for me to know, and start living my life knowing why I am the way I am, and that not recognizing it and ignoring my true feelings had just made me miserable. And I look back now, and think, it didn't have to be that way, if I'd just of pursued it sooner.?

Many of you appear to have started your journey much sooner in your lives, but maybe some didn't.? I'm not sure.?
But whether you are like me and just starting this journey of self, or have been walking your path many years, I notice that we all still have struggles sometimes, and our personal issues still affect us daily it seems.?
Thoughts.??

[suzifrommd]

I'm actually OK with not starting until late in life. A long time ago in the humor section someone posted a thread "why middle-aged transition doesn't suck". There were lots of humorous entries, but in the aggregate I think it pointed out that there are advantages either way.

For me:
* I wouldn't have had my two fabulous children if I'd started earlier.
* We all envy young beautiful women. But they're often insecure and uncomfortable with themselves.
* I got to experience life from both sides of the gender divide. That is priceless.
* I have money and wisdom I didn't have 20 years ago. I've needed all of both that I have to make it through.
* Delayed gratification makes seeing true self all the sweeter.
* My life has been pretty great. There are a lot worse things than being a man who wishes he were a woman.

[Shantel]

I'm actually OK with not starting until late in life. A long time ago in the humor section someone posted a thread "why middle-aged transition doesn't suck". There were lots of humorous entries, but in the aggregate I think it pointed out that there are advantages either way.

For me:
* I wouldn't have had my two fabulous children if I'd started earlier.
* We all envy young beautiful women. But they're often insecure and uncomfortable with themselves.
* I got to experience life from both sides of the gender divide. That is priceless.
* I have money and wisdom I didn't have 20 years ago. I've needed all of both that I have to make it through.
* Delayed gratification makes seeing true self all the sweeter.
* My life has been pretty great. There are a lot worse things than being a man who wishes he were a woman.

I agree and couldn't have said it better!

[Taka]

i can only hope to be able to celebrate my 30th birthday as visibly me.
but it doesn't bother me. only getting started late means i could get a daughter.
that only one i will have to care for for the rest of my life, unless i'm lucky enough to find true love.

[justpat]

   I really think I deserve the late bloomer award here I started HRT at 63 years young and 9 months. December 25 2013 I will always will remember that date . My journey was planned out for me while still in my mothers womb, I am sure she knew what or whom I was then and I wish she were alive today,to see I have become a beautiful woman who looks like her.   Patty