Am I Getting Too Old For This . . .

[beatrix]

There has to be something, you know? 

Is this genderqueer-ness I identify with something that is going to pass?  I am looking at some myspace profiles & groups and the average age seems to be late teens, if that.  I'm 10 years older than that.  27!  I've got a wife and two kids.  What am I thinking and why haven't I figured out a real answer yet.  Even if I figured it out and then tried to fight it, then at least it would be an answer, you know?

I would figure that I would know who I am at this point.  I have an (normal check-up) appointment with my M.D. next week and I'm going to ask for a referral for someone to talk to. 

I know there is nothing that is really "normal," but I feel significantly out of the average as far as that is concerned.  And that is kind of important to me as I begin to discuss this with my wife.  I want to go, "See, there are others.  No big deal."  But there doesn't seem to be anything else quite as unsure as I feel.

Some days are better than others.  Today was bad at work.  Very bad.  Like, let's italicize and bold that.  Very bad.  This messes with my self-esteem and image and--just as I began to feel comfortable identifying myself to myself--I feel destroyed.  It was my first day back in 2 weeks and I don't want to go back tomorrow.  You don't even want to read the poem I wrote and put on my blog today.

I'm not posting just as a whining thing.  I actually have a serious question.  I know a lot of people have "always known" what they really are, and I'm happy for them.  Really and sincerely and truly.  But I really haven't had much opportunity for this introspection until lately.  The second child really makes me put things in perspective.  I've avoided introspection for a long time, and it haunts me now.  But I am here, now, and I can't fix what I didn't do before, all I can do is worry about it now.  Is that selfish?  (Talking to myself here.)  Like telling my mom and friends I am an atheist, I had to think it all through over and over, from all the angles . . .

Maybe genderqueer is just what I am and always have been and I hadn't been able to peg it before.  I mean, I've CD'd a few times in the past 20 years, and I never felt really male or female steadily for any length of time.  But the identity of it all--the androgyny and the genderqueer identity--is shiny and new. 

Maybe I should go to the gay bars and try and talk to someone, but I don't think they'd just want to talk.  I mean, I probably wouldn't.  I should at least dress and go once.  I rarely get out of the house anyway.  Would that help?  I went to Chicago Pride Parade last year and it was amazing, I only wish I would have gone in something a little more "me."  That was kind of when it got going in my head.

Anyway . . . the age thing kind of bugs me, specifically. 

The gist and main point of all that is: are there any others who are "late comers" to their identity?  Genderqueer or not, I mean, that's what I identify as, so that's where I posted, but I don't want to leave anyone out.  Epiphanies welcome!

[TheBattler]

Beatrix,

I totaly identify. I am confused about my gender and lately I have started to think myself as a female. On the outside I could still a male and I have been happy as a male for all of my life. On the inside my feminity is starting to grow and come out. 

Many people will also identify that and Gender Identity issue will get stronger as that get older. That is a the case with me and many other here at Susans.

Just remember to be yourself at all times. I have found hidding just lead to emotional problems. Be yourself and remember to comunicate your feeling to your wife. It will help if she understands.

You are not alone.

Alice

[Nero]

Beatrix,
Don't feel bad, I'm 27 as well. It took me nearly a decade of drug addiction to come to terms with this.
If you are genderqueer and not transsexual, maybe that is the answer. Being genderqueer, I mean.

Nero



Posted at: August 07, 2006, 11:59:07 PMYou know,when I was going through DTs in rehab about 4 years ago, a counselor there told me that I was supressing myself through the drugs and the misty-grey dream world they create. She said that people find out everything about themselves around age 27. Sounded strange at the time, but I think I may have subconsciously set that date as the time when I would admit this to myself - I knew I was male on the inside, but wouldn't admit to being transsexual.
Hang in there, you'll know the answer. It just hasn't come yet. But it will when the time is right.

Nero

[Melissa]

Beatrix, I was in the same place you are 10 months ago - at age 28.  I am now living fulltime as a woman.  I had no idea where I fell in the gender spectrum, but only knew for certain I was transgendered.  Now is the time to start your introspective journey.  I spent 2 months doing that and I came to realize there were so many obvious signs during my life, but I never bothered to look at the entire picture.  Definitely talk to your doctor when you go.  Start seeing a therapist as well.  If you have issues you can't sort out on your own, a therapist can help.

I wasn't 100% sure if I felt like male or female either, because I didn't have a good point of reference.  I just felt like me.  However, I knew I wanted to live as female and not as male.  I can tell you I am already so much happier living as I am now.  27 is not too old and many people transition around this age.  In a way, it's better than doing it as a teen, because you can afford the expenses.  I guess it comes down to what roles would you be happiest in.  Male, Female, or right in the middle.  I personally would feel even more uncomfortable in the middle than I would as male, because nobody know what to call you and the world doesn't accept you very well, but that's just me.  Female was the right choice for me.

Anyhow, as I said, now that you realize you could be TS, start looking at all of your memories from different angles.

Melissa

[Kimberly]

If it is of any help to you I hid until I was 29 an ¹¹/_12ths.

Granted I knew I was female identified internally, but had never dreamed I would get to be female this life. I had resigned to a male life from the start and I truly had no thought of being female this life. I lamented a lot and knew I would be happier if I was but I wasn't, and that was that.

In hindsight I was more than just 'female identified internally' and while somewhat cliché describing my previous state as "a female doing her best to pretend to be male." is fitting. BUT regardless, I did NOT think that then.

If it is any help I was /sort of/more or less/ happy as male. I attributed the massive hurt I felt to other things than GID.

Also if it means anything hiding did not mess with my emotions (unless quick to anger qualifies) but it was KILLING me inside.

An also again if it means anything when I /woke up/figured out/had my epiphany/ that I was in fact a girl there was and remains ZERO doubt about the subject.

I hope that helps in some small way.

[beatrix]

Posted at: August 07, 2006, 11:59:07 PM[/size]You know,when I was going through DTs in rehab about 4 years ago, a counselor there told me that I was supressing myself through the drugs and the misty-grey dream world they create. She said that people find out everything about themselves around age 27. Sounded strange at the time, but I think I may have subconsciously set that date as the time when I would admit this to myself - I knew I was male on the inside, but wouldn't admit to being transsexual.
Hang in there, you'll know the answer. It just hasn't come yet. But it will when the time is right.

Nero

Thank you.

Maybe the age thing has a bit of truth, like all the rock stars that kill themselves at 27. 

Funny you should mention the drug thing, I've been fighting those urges lately, and the thing is that I never was really into them, but when I did my occasional drink or smoke pot, it got where I couldn't move, and I was kind of helpless and everything was blurry. 

I keep a bottle of tequilla at arms length from the computer, it's just where it sits, and I know if I drink it, I won't be able to hold our new baby tonight because I could drop her.  That's bad.  It's also pretty likely, because of my genetics, I have a disposition towards it (drinking.)

It's all a study of consequence.  Thank you for sharing your story.  It does help.  I am glad you're better now.

Today was better at work.  I'm still tired and confused, and I appreciate everyone's kind words here.  I'll talk to my doc next week, and I hope that he doesn't have any biases in that kind of area to refer me to someone. 

Got to go!

thank you

beatrix

[Jillieann Rose]

Sorry folks I got you all beat . 
I was 54-55 when I started to understand what was wrong with me different about me.
Still haven't got it all together but that okay. I know i'm TG and really believe that i'm most likely TS.  But what really matter is that I am becoming the person I should be.
Hang in there Beatrix.
You have got a long life ahead of you and don't push yourself into something you are not ready for.

Jillieann

[Casey]

I'm another late discoverer. Fortunately (and until very recently I used to say 'unfortunately') I've known since sometime before high school that I wasn't really male but I wasn't female either. It wasn't until March of this year, just a few months before my 38th birthday, that I learned that I'm transgendered. And it's been less than a month that I've been identifying as genderqueer. I've been genderqueer forever, I just didn't know what to call it. Would you call that being a latecomer to my identity? Seriously, I'm asking.

The way I figure it, we have always been what we are. That inner core is what guides us on this journey of self-discovery. It's why some things just feel right and others just feel wrong. The trick is to clear off all the BS (I should be, I wish I was, etc.) and see that inner core for what it really is. And as we clear off the layers of "crud" our perception of that inner core changes. Some parts come into sharp relief almost immediately while others seem to be one thing until we can pick out the fine details and we discover otherwise. And where we end up, oddly enough, is right where we've been all along.

You know, some people feel different their whole lives and never look inward to try to find out why. It can be very scary in there. Good for you for looking inward.

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Casey,
I see you are new to Susan's. I want to take a moment here to welcome you.
I'm glad you found the site.
If your look for friends and or information about gender issues this is the place.
Please read the site rules at:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html if you haven't already.
Then check out the Wiki, with ton of info on the gender topics. Oh and check out our chat and links section too. Have a great read.
Welcome to Susan's.


Okay back to topic:
Yes I'm one of the late bloomers as I call myself.
I learned that althought there are patterns to the discovery that you are TG there are no set rules. I think it has allot more to do with if you are a compliant person like I have been. I learned to control my feelings and even bury them at a very young age ( I beleived it was expected of me to act and think in a set way. My parents teacher and society demand that of me. ) I became so good at it that I actually created another personality that controlled all of me.
So It was much harder for me to discover that I was different , because I have alway denied and buried any of those feeling until just recently. 
In other words I believe it has allot to do with how will you can decieve yourself. As we get older I think we get tried of fight ourselves and start to realize that we really are different, that just  maybe we are not what we appear to be.

Anyway this is my thoughts on the matter of timing.

Jillieann

[RebeccaFog]

hey guys and girls,

   I've had moments of clarity throuhgout my life, but it all caved in and kept me blind and isolated for a few years. When I finally resurfaced at the age of 43, it all began to make sense to me. I look like a man ape, but my soul is female.
   At this time, I am extremely comfortable with who I am. When I show strentgh in a social situation, I am shored up by my feminity.  I am a female.
   I may not be able to transition soon, but I know who I am and that is all I need at this time.
   I haven't presented myself yet at this time, so I need to work on my personal expectations


Rebecca,
_{hoping that the transition process becomes easier and less expensive.}

[Kendall]

Beatrix, I think 27 is still young. There are some that discover later. Just depends on when denial and suppression breaks.

I think up till mid 20s almost everyone is trying to understand the world, communities, and selves. I think it all comes into clearity, as long as you have remained open minded around that age. And have allowed you to listen to yourself, your heart, and feelings/emotions/unconcous whispers.

Alice, yes maybe its just you needing to bring out a certain percentage of femininity to fit your soul. Things might not be balanced enough.

Being Genderqueer, things are not as clearly cut.

I like what you say Casey. You have been genderqueer all your life but didnt know what to call it.

[beatrix]

Went to the doctor today, looking for someone to talk to, and he didn't really know enough about my insurance situation to have someone in mind in general, so I didn't ask about someone with experience in gender-variant people.  I did a search, and it looks like there is at least one person in Rockford, IL, to talk to, which is right by my area.  I hope she takes my insurance for at least the talking therapy part.

I did get some medicine, we'll see if that helps with my constant depression.  We'll see.

Baby's crying . . . got to go!

beatrix
Posted on: August 14, 2006, 07:28:00 PMI spoke to a therapist yesterday, one that has experience in this area (admittedly more with transsexuals or homosexuals than genderqueers) .  A nice older woman and she represents the first "real" person I have told.  I felt really good all day at work today, until I heard some  under the breath comments from a co-worker.

I really just need to find something else to support the family, and to tell the wife.  Those are the goals for the next month or so.

Anyone know any places hiring technical writers?  Heh.

[Jillieann Rose]

Good. I'm glad you were able to go to a therapist. I know how much beter it feels when you can tell someone openly about your feelings dreams and just about anything without worrying about them judging you.
You said your goals for the next month or so are finding a new job and telling your wife.
I think you and your therapist should work together on how you accomplish your goals.
I would ask which is most important and work on that one first.

Sorry no technical writer job here.
Would love to have you move into my neighborhood.
Hang in there.

Jillieann

[Kendall]

Congratz on your reveal to your therapist.

Saw some technical writing jobs listed on the web when I did a quick search. Maybe thats a possible way of finding a professional job such as that.

[Casey]

That's great that you found a therapist to talk to. Sometimes just being able to say something out loud to a "real" (i.e. face-to-face) person can take the stigma or whatever off of it.

I felt really good all day at work today

Here's hoping there's a lot more days like that for you.

[Louise]

27 is young.  My children are all older than that.

I started crossdressing when I was a pre-adolescent (way back before computers--practically before TV), but I was deep in the closet until my mid 50's.  In a very real sense I am a late bloomer.  I knew I was different when I was younger, but I wasn't sure what I was or in what direction I was going for a long time.  All I knew was that I was different.  I have always felt androgynous, but for many years I resisted any public expression of this, always wearing conservatively styled men's clothing and hairstyle.  My crossdressing was strictly confined to  the closet--I would secretly wear some of my wife's things when I was sure everyone was out of the house.  This changed about ten years ago when I came to terms with the fact that my crossdressing was not just a phase that I would outgrow.  I started buying my own feminine clothing and experimenting with makeup, and I finally told my wife that I was a crossdresser.  I joined a support group and even went to a few meetings dressed en femme.  Since then I am much more comfortable with myself.  I still present as a male 90% of the time, but I have become more relaxed in my clothing style and sometimes mix more feminine clothing in with my male attire.  About once a week I dress completely en femme at home.

When I was in my 20's I did not know whether I was transexual or not.  I had constant fantasies about transitioning, but never did anything because I was married and had young children.  I felt I had an obligation to care for them and was getting my career as a college instructor started.  Now my wife is retired, the kids are grown and moved out on their own, and I am a tenured professor.  I am also quite content in my identity as an androgynous crossdresser.

[RebeccaFog]

Beatrix,

  Lately I've been feeling that I might be genderqueer too. I don't know if this will pass so I can't help you with that. In life, I present as a male because I don't know any other way to present myself. I think I put my feminity across in how I carry a conversation.
  I'd like to find a good wig and start wearing blouses or tunics, but that's not going to happen soon. Even after I start hormones (probably not for a long time), I have no intention of presenting myself fully as a woman. I'll probably end up in some kind of in between form depending on how it goes.
  Part of what is stopping me from moving forward into transition is that I have a partner who I love and who accepts me as I am at this point. I am isolated where I am and I have no immediate models for ideas and support. Basically, I'm trying to play out all scenerios in my head so that when I see an opening, I'll be more likely to spot it.

  Another side to this is that I am bisexual even though I prefer women. I understand that I'll never be able to play out all the different facets of my sexuality. So, I have this large sensual part of myself that will remain unused, unexplored, and eventually will just feel painful or just negative.

  I quit writing this. I thought I knew where I was going, but I can't picture it. I'd like to know more about what it means to be genderqueer.
  Obviously, I'm a little lost here, so if anyone has any truths to tell, I'm willing to listen.


Rebecca

[Tristan]

Rebecca...

Presenting as one's gender of circumstance for lack of other experience...
Bisexual with a mild preference for the opposite gender...
With an understanding and loving partner who "gets" me...

Sounds a lot like my story. That's part of why I'm 30 and just starting to explore this... It's never been a big enough issue till now. I have always been able to play the "proper" role when need be... but i'm learning that that's just not all there is to me. The real me is much more than just female, or just interested in guys. I tread almost every gender, preference, social, and political line there is. The only thing I seem to go to extremes on are that extremes are too limiting. I can't stand being polarized by society, and so I'm seeking other answers.

I guess I've just been close enough to what is called "normal" that I've been able to deal, until now. If there's more to be experienced, I find an increasing frustration in not experiencing it... and sooner or later, I have to face that I'm something more than I thought I could pass for.

It's not going to be simple, but at least I'm not the only one.

[beatrix]

Maybe it's the fluoxetine (prozac).  I'm very confused lately.  I'm going to call the Dr. tomorrow and ask to be changed to a different med.

I talked to the therapist again last night, and she was supportive and we talked about a bunch of stuff, but she asked me to think about those things I may lose if I undergo any type of transition. 

I think that she thought when I said transition, I mean't MTF, but I'm not entirely sure about the whole thing yet.  I would feel more comfortable in a middle-road kind of thing, which I'll have to research because she doesn't have the experience in the genderqueer thing.

There's no pushing the idea back in the bottle once I tell my wife, and things may explode, but I have to remember to do it kindly and patiently.  Hopefully that will work.

And I'll have to find another job.  It's getting bad.  I'm forgetting stuff, really obvious stuff and I don't know if it's the gender thing, the new baby thing, the drug thing, or the depression & anxiety thing, or a combination thereof.

I'm still lurking here, not posting a lot, because I'm busy with baby and other stuff (3 blogs now, funny how they multiply). 

I'm gonna see if I can get a book published, too.  This weekend, I promise that I'll send something out.  We'll see if it comes back.

b

[Owen]

I have to agree with Alice.
                                     For most of my life I lived as male but I felt female inside. I had to keep it locked away untill just recently. I at times let my feminity out a little only to hid it away again. But now that I am older the female side has to come out. I believe as we get older the feelings become mature and more natural if that makes any sense.  I am still sorting out my feelings here. Not sure what I am. I definitly feel more feminine that I have in the past and am slowly letting it out.


Owen

Love being female