Back & Forth - How Long can I Last?

[Julie Marie]

It's been less than a month since I've decided I will complete my transition.  I am male at work, female the rest of the time (as far as physical presentation goes).  But already this switching back and forth is getting to me.  My boss called after I got home last night.  I was about to answer in my femme voice but quickly caught myself.  Then a lez friend called right after that.  I'm just starting to work on my femme voice and I have to "start from scratch" to sound passable.  I tried to get the femme voice back but I'm sure I still sounded very male.  And it was just last week she commented on how much I sounded like a woman.

I remember when my voice was changing from deep to deeper back at the onset of puberty.  Maybe I can look at this time in my life as changing it back.  Every once in a while your voice breaks.  Back then it squeaked, now it drops.  Whatever tools I need to get through this I will use.

Still, every work morning I resent having to change to male.  I know this is the best thing for now and my therapist wholly agrees.  But both of are worried if there will come a time I can no longer do this.  Time will tell.

Well, gotta go!  The world of construction calls.

[Buffy]

Hi Julie,

My most difficult time in transition was the period before I went full time.... I got really confused and depressed. Presenting male at work and female out of work, except when I went out with work colleagues, when I went as male or when I had medical appointments as female... confused

Well I was.....

I had planned on living part time, prior to finishing speech therapy and having FFS, but some days I just didn't know what clothes to put on.

I actually hated going to work and having to wear a suit, tie etc..... It made me cringe as I didn't identify as that person in my mind.

I met people as female that phoned me and got a male voice and vice versa......

In the end I just gave up and went full time, which made me feel a lot better ,less depressed and also gave the OXFAM shop an early present of male clothing and shoes.

Buffy

No longer confused.... just happy

[LostInTime]

Looking at your pic, I am surprised that you are pulling male off at all. 

It is nothing that unusual though, to get to a point where you can neither stomach the changing back and fort or pass as what you were once perceived as.  A friend of mine told me that I went fulltime a full year before I actually told anyone else.  My days before transition were filled with her asking, "They don't notice the breasts?" or "How the heck they still see you as a guy is amazing."  When I did go FT I surprised just about everyone at my workplace, they just never thought of that possibility.

You will know when it is time, just work with your therapist and employer beforehand to try and make things go as smoothly as possible.

Good luck with your journey.

[LynnER]

*Hugs Julie*

I'm pretty much in the same boat.... work mode for day.  Myself after that unless my bands got practice or a show then work mode again  *sigh*  Its driveing me nuts flipfloping but its only till October thankfuly:D

As far as people not noticeing... Im LESS fem than I was at this job last year... how most never noticed is totaly beyond me LoL... and even now youd think someone would get the hint..........

Have you set yourself a date or goal yet for going fulltime?

[cindianna_jones]

There came a point where everyone knew my secret.  The details are in my book where I detail the sequence.  But once my management at work knew about my situation, I figured... hey why not make the change here?  I had planned on moving and making a fresh start.  But making the change there would be valuable experience.  So I did.  I told my therapist about it after the fact.

Cindi

[Rosebride]

I completely agree with you. When I was doing the guy at work and me everywhere else was horrid.  I did feel better but my stress level was a lot higher.. I'm not sure why that is. My best guess is when your switching your not really comfortable in your new role yet (as in relating to others) and you becoming even less comfortable in your old assigned gender so there's not any real repose.  I was only living like this about a year but I found when one side gets better the other side gets more difficult. I tried to go out as a guy a few months ago and it just about killed me (i was so nervous people prolly thought I was an addict of some sort...lol)  I

[Melissa]

When I got my current job, I wanted to wait until I had been here 90 days.  I made it to about about 45 days before I spilled the beans.  I've been fulltime for a month now.

Melissa

[Julie Marie]

Thank you Ladies!  Although I never want to hear anyone suffering it's nice to know I'm not alone in this dilemma.

Buffy, thank you!  Even though I've been on HRT for over a year and living 24/7 less 40 (it's just a saying that means you are male at work Melissa, nothing more) for almost a year I feel I just started my transition.  I was still using the "I can't do this to them excuse".  Since I overcame the last obstacles that prevented me from transitioning it seems I want to put everything into hyperspeed and get it done.  I know I need to slow down.  There's a lot I can do to preoccupy my mind, like mowing the lawn.    And I'm happy to say I did it today YEAH!!!!!

LIT, you made my day!  It's funny you said that.  I work on a construction site.  We change locations all the time.  When got on this job I was a bit worried anyone who knew me would wonder why I have boobs now.  No one said a word.  Then I began to notice how nice the guys on this job were to me.  I mean really nice, unusually nice.  They would help me with things, hold doors open, offer to carry things for me, then I thought "I'm being treated like a woman!"  Your comment may have explained why.  They subconsciously see me as female.  There's enough girl in me that they feel it.  Whatever it is I never object to a friendly help and I always say thank you.

Lynn, I really can't go full time for two years unless I want my retirement to be a hardship.  I worked too hard to walk away from all I have built up over the last three decades so if I hang in until I'm 58 I will be able to retire with full medical benefits, that's a biggie.  That means a bit more than two years.  Electrolysis will take at least that long so as long as I'm moving forward I think I'll be okay.  It's thinking about it too much that gets to me.  Like every workday morning!  IBut 'll be fine.  I survived this long.  Two more years shouldn't be a problem.  I hope!

Rose, I'm really not stressed, at least not yet.  I'm still too happy to be stressed.   Every day I look forward to what the day has to bring.  I love my work and am very good at what I do.  I rarely work with the tools, I'm usually in an administrative or supervisory capacity so I don't have to deal with the testosterone riddled world of construction.  Gotta be a Harley rider, gotta have tatoos, gotta hate anyone not American, gotta talk back of the yards.  It's so primative!  I disassociate myself from it but because of my position and maybe because I have long hair these guys not only accept me, they seem to really like me.  That's a big plus but it's the work I love.  I wish I didn't have to give that up to be me. But when I get home that act ends, promptly!  I guess there's some stress but I'm just so happy I am transitioning it overrides any stress.

Cindi, I'm still in love with that "old days" pic!  I know no one wears hair like that today but I guess it tells me age.  That's such a cute pic!

Again, thank you Ladies for your replies.  Sometimes I get a little teary eyed when I think how great you have all been to me.  You've made me feel so much at home.  Thank you.

[Melissa]

Even though I've been on HRT for over a year and living 24/7 less 40 (it's just a saying that means you are male at work Melissa, nothing more)...

I understood.  That's how I was living prior to coming out at work.

I worked too hard to walk away from all I have built up over the last three decades so if I hang in until I'm 58 I will be able to retire with full medical benefits, that's a biggie.  That means a bit more than two years.

You look great for being 55.  You look closer to 40.

Melissa

[cindianna_jones]

Thank you Ladies!  Although I never want to hear anyone suffering it's nice to know I'm not alone in this dilemma.
Cindi, I'm still in love with that "old days" pic!  I know no one wears hair like that today but I guess it tells me age.  That's such a cute pic!

Again, thank you Ladies for your replies.  Sometimes I get a little teary eyed when I think how great you have all been to me.  You've made me feel so much at home.  Thank you.

Yea, it took me hours to rat my hair to get it to poof up like that.  And then it took a long time to undo them before I washed it.  I'd only do it up like that when I had a date.  I think that you are very brave to be able to stand another two years.  But there is a lollipop at the end of that rainbow

Cindi

[ssindysmith]

Julie Marie, I can relate to your on the job delema, I to am in a rather male testosterone driven profession. I am affraid I will have to change my profession and come out at or near the same time.

One question, because of the equipment I wear I will be able to hide my breast growth for awhile, but how did you do it on the construction site? did you go braless? and bulky shirts?

OK and one more question ear rings, I love wearing hoops and studs and all the cute ear rings, but I can not wear ear rings on the job was that an issue for you? and if so how did you overcome it?

[Julie Marie]

Julie Marie, I can relate to your on the job delema, I to am in a rather male testosterone driven profession. I am affraid I will have to change my profession and come out at or near the same time.

One question, because of the equipment I wear I will be able to hide my breast growth for awhile, but how did you do it on the construction site? did you go braless? and bulky shirts?

OK and one more question ear rings, I love wearing hoops and studs and all the cute ear rings, but I can not wear ear rings on the job was that an issue for you? and if so how did you overcome it?

I wear bulky shirts but I know that doesn't completely hide my breast growth. I have to slouch a bit and I hate that! I saw a website that had binding shirts for FTMs. If I see any more breast growth from the injections I may have to go that route.

As far as earrings, lots of guys on the job have either one or both ears peirced and most wear a small diamond. I had mine pierced just before I started a new job. I had to keep them in for healing purposes. I just wore gold balls. They have long since healed and now I just leave them at home when going to work. It's not that important to me when I'm at work. I live full time outside of work and that keeps me pretty happy.

Of the three contractors I've worked for since letting my hair grow out and getting my ears pierced I've been a foreman with two of them. The one I'm with now I also am a part-time assistant project manager so it's pretty obvious to me that looks doesn't matter nearly as much as experience and performance.

[Dennis]

Careful with binding, Julie. It can break down breast tissue over time and you don't want a pair of floppies hanging off your chest when you do go full time.

Dennis

[Julie Marie]

Careful with binding, Julie. It can break down breast tissue over time and you don't want a pair of floppies hanging off your chest when you do go full time.

Dennis

Wow, thank you for that! I had no idea! I haven't done any binding yet but I do spend all day at work braless and I have to slouch a lot and that isn't good either. That's part of what bothers me about going back and forth.

Two & a half more years?  Why didn't I choose a more TG friendly occupation???!!!

[Melissa]

Sorry Julie, that has to be difficult.  Unfortunately, maximum breast growth is typically obtained within 2-3 years, so unless you have minimal growth, I honestly don't know how you'll hide them for that long.

Melissa

[Dennis]

I suspect that as long as they're B cup or smaller, when you are presenting as male, people will think gynecomastia rather than transition. It takes a lot to shake people's denial.

Dennis

[sheila18]

Julie:
Yes it bites. For me the solution has been to let everyone who cares know that I am Trans so they see me in both modes sometimes they beg for sheila to show up cause as Al I have a sharp edge 24/7 as sheila the edge is more descriminate, for the last 12 years I go to work either way except my present work where the general manager asked me to chose one, either girl or boy but one, for business reasons and I can see and concur.
  The phone thing was tough. I had gone to lenghts of having a female friend record a greeting message and would pick up once i identified the caller but it was hell on me and my romate. The worst part is that sometimes I felt like a man and answering like a girl annoyed me ...well people stpedd calling or is it that i stopped answering, I can't remember s long ago it seems now.
Screw it le tthem know and deal with it
You know what is amazing Julie!  That now that I am willing to tell everyone to the verge of putting a billboard add by the freeway now I have associates that know me as Al only and Associates that know me as Sheila only and associates that know me as both and many who do not know who I am all that work for nothing   
i think lifeis funny
love no matter what, sheila18

[ssindysmith]

Careful with binding, Julie. It can break down breast tissue over time and you don't want a pair of floppies hanging off your chest when you do go full time.

Dennis

Wow, thank you for that! I had no idea! I haven't done any binding yet but I do spend all day at work braless and I have to slouch a lot and that isn't good either. That's part of what bothers me about going back and forth.

Two & a half more years?  Why didn't I choose a more TG friendly occupation???!!!

I have been wearing my bra's under my vest and nobody has any ideas. one thing I did have to do was order womans pants.

I did get a comment on my hips from a female deputy, she said if she didn't no anybetter my arse was wider than hers, I chocked it up to good food and we laughed it off but I think if anyone ever figures me out it would be her, she is kinda into the butch scene.