Hi everyone!
My name is Kellianna and I'm a pre-op TS girl in my early forties. I've wanted to post for a while now, but thought I'd read as much as I could and get a feel for things first. I really like the forum, it's the right place at the right time for me.
Lately I've been 'coming out' to my self about being innately female. I've had forty years of painful repression, furious jealousy, and loads of paralyzing guilt and shame. I've wanted to have SRS since I was 6 years old -- and now, all these years later, it's time to admit that I CAN make it happen, and only I can make it happen.
Coming out to myself has been both amazing and painful. I've come out to myself during a few other periods in my life, and simply not known what to do about it -- and suppressed it, hiding all those negative emotions and having them come out in other, totally self-destructive ways. Some things bring me joy, some things baffle me. Observation from the female perspective is yielding so much. But I am really looking forward to meeting some supportive GGs, that feels so important. I am trying to stay open, but not push myself and become overwhelmed, which has happened a lot in the past. There are all those layers of shame from a lifetime of trying to measure up to male rules in a highly homophobic bible-belt environment.
I spent a lot of time thinking that this all was totally a sexual perversion (autogynophilia), but that certainly doesn't explain everything. Sexualizing it was a coping tool – an effective one if your life seemed insane but you could escape to realistic fantasy world (where, a-ha, I dreamed of being a normal girl.) But the sexual coping mechanism is impotent and just makes things worse. There's no temporary experience that can satiate my need. No amount of crossdressing, or crossliving will do. All of that feels like waiting before a start. I need the "whole enchilada" – to live the fullest life possible as a female. My soul won't rest until I can be as female as I can be. I don't want to go through life with that thing stuck between my legs, or hiding at home, or living vicariously through women I'm ultimately jealous of. I want a vagina, I want a feminine hairstyle, I want cute clothes that fit right. I want to flirt with men, be courted...find my prince (hopefully!). I want to fit right in this world. I see women and I think: that's me, that's what I ought to be. The woman I should have grown up to be.
I read a book called True Selves recently that was very encouraging. One thing it said was that young MTF transsexuals crave femininity. That really hit home for me and lately I've been able to admit what an intense theme that is in my repressed life. Those cravings hit me hard in college, and I responded the only way I knew how, with rage and isolation. I think I've learned to hide the anger a little bit, but a mind swimming in angry jealousy is NOT a good thing! I am slowly scraping away the denial and saying: Yes! That is me, that is the life I want. There's still a mountain of shame there; shame even as I write this, but I hope in time I will heal and move past that. Behind all these realizations is the reality that most of the people who know and love me are truly incapable of any level of acceptance. That's been the biggest wall.
I've really been craving self expression as a woman. I think I just blinded myself to these feelings most of the time. For years I spent the weekends out "en femme" but compartmentalized that. It's amazing, how natural and normal I feel in a dress -- much more so now that I'm feeling female instead of like a TV.
For years I couldn't understand why women dress the way they do. Then I looked at it from the female perspective and it all clicked. I love the feeling when my nails are done nicely, or when my legs are newly shaved. It's great to feel pride in my appearance. When I am dressed and groomed the way I like and passing well and accepted everywhere I go as a normal gal, everything is different. It's scary – I feel like a 12 year old girl who ought to be accompanied by her best friend, exploring the world and learning the ropes.
When I can put the sex response to the side, everything else is still there – in fact, stronger and more pure. I definitely want closeness with other women, but I've hated the sex. I want the testosterone out of my system! In periods of meditation, I've been to a place where my body is not affected by the aggression and other crap testosterone brings, and it feels incredibly natural and pure and womanly. (Not a place where I'm a doormat, but a place of balance.)
I need to be one of the girls. Instead of being jealous about their looks, female friendships, periods, clothes, boyfriends, etc. I crave their freedom and power. Being fully and openly female seems very powerful to me. Maybe not everyone's idea of power, but absolutely the wavelength I'm on.
Thank you for reading! I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone here.
Kellianna
