I am a male to female transsexual who has chosen not to transition. I've always acted in cross gender ways since I was a young child, but didn't start having trouble with my gender dysphoria until just before puberty. I think at that point the crushing reality hit me that I would grow up to be a man and that I would be expected to act as such.
During middle and high school I worked on "correcting" my feminine mannerisms by emulating my masculine friends. In time, specifically by the end of high school I successfully did so, but it was difficult and caused my dysphoria to worsen dramatically. I felt like I was living a lie, not being honest with those around me about my true feelings, interests, etc. I felt my relationships were based on a facade - one that I felt I had no choice but to put up.
I decided that I wanted to transition after I got out of high school, so when I graduated, I began that process. Something totally unexpected happened though. Shortly after graduation, I was converted to the LDS (Mormon) church. Even though I knew my decision to transition would be at odds with my new religious beliefs, I believed the church to be true, so joined it regardless hoping that somehow my membership would alleviate my cross-gender feelings.
I had some early success in pushing those feelings off, but it didn't last long, and I decided to transition anyhow. I stopped going to church (not because I did not believe it, but because continuing to attend would be uncomfortable for me and others). I came out to my family and friends and they were somewhat supportive - mostly because they thought I was probably gay growing up, so in their minds this wasn't too different. I started hormones and moved away to a new state to start living full time. I got a job, joined the local youth GBLT community, and began passing almost immediately (something I'm extremely grateful for). I eventually had an orchidectomy to stop my hair loss (which I did just in time).
Living as a girl was so liberating to me. I felt wonderful and at more peace than I ever had previously. I was holding a job, going to college, and dating all as a girl. I lived with a genetic girl roommate and felt incredibly fortunate, but there were two problems: 1) I couldn't forget my allegiance to my church, and wanted my future children and husband to be members, but since the church would most likely not recognize my transition, it would make it difficult to have the temple marriage I wanted. 2) Strange as it might sound, I felt like I was lying all over again. Just as when I was a male and being accepted as a male despite the reality of my feelings, I passed so well, that I was being completely accepted for a female. For some unexplainable (at the time) reason this bothered me and again I felt like I wasn't being honest with those around me. I didn't want to be stealth, I wanted to be known and accepted for what I was, a transgendered female. I started "coming out" to people I passed with and noticed that this made me feel better!
These two hangups eventually got the better of me, and I began to think that maybe I should de-transition. After mentioning such to the community I was apart of (this time an adult community) their response wasn't positive. I realize they were trying to "help" me, but they came across as bitter, vindictive, and negative. I realized I wouldn't be supported by the community if I went back to being a male so I went back to the church and spoke to the bishop there. I decided that since my friends and family knew about my transition, they would be able to accept their son as a non-transitioning transgendered individual.
My family, friends, and the church helped me re-adopt a male role. I started a reverse hormone therapy getting on a small dose of testosterone. Things didn't go exactly as planned though. My family and friends assumed that my "TS thing" was a phase and completely invalidated my feelings. I, wanting to be accepted, decided to not challenge this and turned my transition into the subject of humor rather than what it really was. I didn't really talk about it with others, and when I did, I spoke about it with shame.
Eventually I met a girl that I told my past and my decision not to transition. I actually fell in love with her, and we were married a few years after I came back.
All wasn't roses however. I once again felt I was being deceptive in my relationships (pretending not only that I was a male with male feelings, but that I had never transitioned). In addition, taking on a high powered corporate job forcing me to continually "act" like a super-male didn't help things out. I began to indulge in escapist behaviors and absorb myself in my work. Things came to a head about 8 months ago.
I told my wife that my transgendered feelings were becoming overwhelming again and getting near fever pitch. I didn't know why this was happening at the time and the return of my gender dysphoria was most unwelcome. She worked with me over the following months to try to figure out why they were bothering me again. What we discovered was that they never really left, that I had forced myself to believe they were gone, and that if I was to be happy, I would need to be open about myself and be true to who I felt I was. Being older now, acceptance wasn't as big of a deal anymore. I figured I'd rather be real with someone and have them dislike me, then be fake and have their approval. Since having realized this, I have been looking for coping techniques for dealing with my gender dysphoria without actually transitioning rather than denying the existence of my transsexualism.
So that is where I am today. I'm still looking for authenticity in my relationships and how I relate to myself and the world. I don't know if I count as transsexual or androgyne (since I'm now going for a gender neutral appearance) but labels probably don't matter. My decision not to transition is highly personal and not one I press upon others. My religious beliefs are incredibly important to me and are not up for debate on this forum; I included it only to help explain why I made some of the decisions I did. I am hoping I am making the right decision, but only time will tell. If I do figure out a way to successfully cope with my feelings, perhaps I can share those options with others who live with gender dysphoria but want to avoid transition.
I look forward to making some friends here with people with whom I truly identify - the only people on this earth who know what it is to live with gender issues.
