How do you explain to others how you feel when you feel between genders?

[Kendall]

In a world of male and female, how do you explain how you feel to others when you feel in between?

Outside the transgender community many times confusion, lack of knowledge, or even false ideas bars understanding. The transgender community , though vocal much more recent in a few occassions, is also still mostly underground and bellow the the radar of non TGs. Much has been done to bring us more out though in the last few years. Media, movies, and documentaries are much more factual and accurate then the shock drama of the pre-2000.

But still in people I meet, many know of crossdressers, intersex, and transsexuals. Of course the confusion of gender vs orientation is still common to many that I explain it to.

When I feel I lie in between though, this is a bit harder for then to understand. And even after I have told them, its like they simplify when telling others and push me into one of the other main categories. This sort of makes me feel sad. Not sad at the fact of being mislabeled as being misunderstood.

How do others that feel the same tell others, and explain it? Is it just natural for them not to understand do you think?

[Buffy]

A good question....

The worlds perception of gender variance has changed, that is for sure. There is much more information available to everyone these days both on the internet and other media.

However a lot more still has to be done, I have never seen a headline or a TV programme that says " Transsexual lives normal life, gets married and has a great career".... Hmmm  As a community we are still depicted in many TV and News headlines as sad, desperate people, who live outside the normality of society....

The majority of TV programmes are still about MTF TS, Primarilly because in a male dominated society it is still not understood why any man would want to give up this privledge and become Female. What about a show showing a FTM TS, who becomes a top cop, national hero or war hero?? ... also unlikely.

I read a wonderful article in a UK Womans magazine about a TS who said in the interview " I can sit next to anyone on a bus, train or pass people in the street... they would not know my past"... That is the best education we can give the public, because that is what the vast majority of us want, to fit into society and lead a "normal life" as possible.

The medical profession has a major role to play in any acceptance by the public. This is NOT a life choice, this is a condition that can be life threatening. The causes may not be know (the mind is still very much unchartered territory) but the "cure" is, but for a long time GID, Transsexuality has been labelled a Mental disorder and that has to change.

Sex and Gender are different, That we understand, but again we are labelled at birth by what is between our legs and conditioned socially from the first words that are spoken "it's a boy  or it's a girl".. We are then put on a learning curve that is difficult for many of us because our brains cannot cope with what we are being told to do.. How can we explain that to parents..."Yeah it's a boy... but with a Female brain???

When we start to grow, we are expected to do certain things, boys are taught to be tough, independent, girls that it is alright to cry, be social with friends etc... A tomboy is told she will grow out of it an effeminate boy invariably suffers parental issues, because boys don't behave like that... I was dragged off to a therapist at 6 because I wanted a nurses uniform.

Hey, I can wear a guys suit, I wear guys jeans and T-shirts, but put a man out in the streets in a skirt, blouse and high heels and it is socially not acceptable to the majority of people....... why? because Society expects men and women to conform to certain norms and anything outside that is seen as a deviation and unnaceptable.. perhaps even dangerous.

It may be that we can never explain to people about who we are, how we feel and what we have to do to put these feelings right. Society may never understand. The most we can ask for is acceptance and aknowledgement that the conditions exist (TS, CD, Intersex) and that people have a right to put this gender confusion right.

Buffy

[HelenW]

When I feel I lie in between though, this is a bit harder for then to understand. And even after I have told them, its like they simplify when telling others and push me into one of the other main categories. This sort of makes me feel sad. Not sad at the fact of being mislabeled as being misunderstood.

How do others that feel the same tell others, and explain it? Is it just natural for them not to understand do you think?

I think very few people are 100% male or female but our culture defines us by our genitalia so most don't realize they may have characteristics nearer to the other gender extreme.  Males, and females too but to a lesser degree, are taught to deny and hide those characteristics on pain of social ostracism or worse.  Seeing someone who does not fit their beliefs makes them uncomfortable so to ease the discomfort they mentally push you into their own boxes, even if you don't fit into them just right.

I think it's a strategy that others employ simply to avoid thinking about things that make them uncomfortable.

helen

[Casey]

I think it's completely natural for people to not understand the in-between state(s) of gender. Most people are quite comfortable identifying as male or female. Anything that doesn't fit the accepted norm of male or female is usually considered a personality quirk. Hence "I'm a woman who likes to work on cars" or "I'm a man who likes to sew". People are so used to being one gender that it's quite natural to believe that anybody who doesn't feel like "us" must feel like "them".

It's kind of like sex. I'm a male. I know what it feels like to live in a male body. And biologically I understand the female body. Urine comes out someplace different, different parts react to being aroused, that sort of thing. Being intersexed is something that's difficult to wrap my brain around without somebody concretely explaining it to me. Do you sit or stand? Are both sets of external genitalia fully functional? I understand being male or female. What throws me is imagining how the two are physically mixed.

The other part of the problem is we understand what it is to be a mixed gender if you will. Imagine trying to explain the concept of content to someone who only understands ecstatic and depressed. It doesn't really work to tell them that it's not happy and it's not sad but it's kind of like being happy and sad at the same time.

I've never tried to explain to anyone what this in-between state feels like. But I guess the closest parallel I can come up with is being extroverted and introverted. Some people are all or mostly one or the other. But most of us fall somewhere in-between. Sometimes I want to go crazy wild and sometimes I want to be alone. Mostly, though, whether I'm extroverted or introverted at a particular time depends on my mood and what's going on (or what I'm considering doing). And I have periods where I'm naturally more extrovarted and periods where I'm naturally more introverted.

My gender is like that, I'd tell them. Sometimes I'm feeling more like a guy and am more willing to do guy things. Sometimes I'm feeling more like a girl and am more willing to do girl things. But mostly I feel like doing some guy things and some girl things. I understand the pride that Ward Cleaver feels when he goes to work to make money for the family. I understand the pride that June Cleaver feels when she's made a nice meal for her family. I understand when June just wants to hug her children and make the big bad world go away when they're having problems. I understand when Ward gives the boys a pep talk and a pat on the shoulder and tells them to get back out there and grab the world with both hands.

Me, I'd hug the boys and then give them that pep talk. I'd make the money and then make the dinner. that's what it feels like to me to be in-between.

[TheBattler]

Hi Kendra,

You ask a good question. I am not sure where I fit at the moment as I battle between my male and female side. I am sure things well settle down and I can think about the questions you are posing in here.

Alice

[Transguykid]

The way I try to explain it is like this:

There's this line, with female on one end and male on the other

F----------|----------M

I explain that most people are very close to one end or the other, and that I used to try to be because that's what I though I had to do to make people like me. I tell them that now that I've given up the fake stuff, I reallize that even though I have a female body, I feel like I here:

F----------|----*------M

or sometimes here:

F----------|-*---------M

and sometimes here:

F----------|--------*--M

but that I mostly feel more male than female, and if I even feel female, it's only a tiny bit for a little while. Being gender deviant is such a foreign concept to peopel that it really helps to explain it so simply. The Kinsey Scale of 1-6(1 being entirely straight, 6 being entirely gay, and the theory that hardly anyone is 1 or 6) gave me the idea to explain things this way.

Everyone seems so focused on genitals. Explaining that I can feel like a guy even with a female body is sometimes like trying to knock down a brick wall with a sack of feather. Frustrating.

[Kendall]

Well after a month since this first post, I have read the responses.

Ethan, your example is ok,  if I can make it easy and simple to understand.

I like your examples of women and men doing other gender activities Casey, as well as the extrovert introvert relationship example.

Buffy I agree with you that society doesnt understand. And that they don't see the people that live normal lives. And that just even being acknowledge is something longed for.

And that HelenW people that dont understand, in order to feel more comfortable, push others into boxes.

Maybe Just letting them know that there are some that feel more comfortable in between genders , can help others know that it exists, so they can at least acknowledge the existence, which is step one in any kind of future understanding. Using the scale Ethan mentioned, examples Casey mentioned, and understanding the reasons for such situation that Buffy and HelenW explained, that I personally can progress a bit more with the people around me and that I meet.

Thanks

Ken/Kendra

[Shana A]

Just discovered this thread, great question. Ever since my own discoveries of myself as transgender and as a person who is neither (or both) gender, I've read a ton of books about gender issues and and given a lot of thought to this subject. One observation, the average person who is comfortable in their gender of birth asignation doesn't have an awareness of sex and gender as being two separate aspects as we do from our lives.

Although it often feels as though I'm from another planet, I do my best to explain it to folks who are important to me.

zythyra

[Kendall]

I brought this question up because I am having a problem getting through easy.

When I have come out to others, I show them visually a picture of me, or several, from the past year. I also explain how thats why I have long nails, feminine eyebrows, wear earrings, sometimes pink tops,  and sometimes makeup. Suddenly I am pushed into several categories in a row. This is what happened when I told Patsy one person at work.

First she asked if I am gay. So I had to explain about orientation vs gender.

Then she asked if I am a crossdresser. So I had to explain gender and how I feel It is a part of me.

The she wondered about intersexed.

Then she thought I am a transsexual. So I have to explain androgyne/genderqueer/intergender and feeling in between. Then she wanted to know what that meant to me in the future and if I would come to work in more female attire (aka dresses and full feminine type stuff).

When I told my mother, it went exactly the same order also.

Problem is most time I dont get enough time or opportunity to explain it all to those I have told. I get interupted and have to leave it also part way explained. And also I was having troubles explaining intergender easy and quickly. Maybe I will also print off the description of androgyne also. Adding it to the F to M scale and few examples I can tell them should make it easier I hope.

[seldom]

This is really tough for me to do.  It is something that people accept or do not.  Plain and simple.  It is very hard to explain being an androgyne, not from the clothing perspective or the body language, but from the emotional and behavioral perspective.  I have both the feminine and masculine emotional and behavioral spectrum, yet I am lacking key things in both.  This has been something that has been a case since I was a kid and was a source of redicule.  It is something that is a part of me and there is no getting around it.  This is something that cuts to every fabric of my being, and simply put people do not understand this.  I cannot identify with alot of gender extremes especially, especially machismo. 

It is SO complex I can only say I am an androgyne, and it runs deeper then you think.   

[Louise]

No explanation of being androgynous can be simple because being androgynous is not simple.  Most people so closely identify thier sense of self with a particular gender that they cannot imagine any alternative to the either/or of male/female. 

Probably most people have some mixture of genders--I base this observation on the fact that for the last several years I have used a modified Bem-scale test as an in class exercise when I teach issues in feminist philosophy--most students who report their results (all reports are voluntary) say that they have a mixture of genders, i.e. relatively few are in the "very feminine" or "very masculine" categories; most are "moderately feminine" or "moderately masculine"; some are "androgynous".  I always tell the students my own score which always falls in the "androgynous" category.   But even though most men have some feminine characteristics and most women have masculine characteristics, practically everyone has a self-identity as one or the other.  To identify as both or neither seems to be utterly beyond most people's comprehension.