I'm back... shamed, humbled, and not transitioning

[mtfbuckeye]

For those of you who don't know my story, I'm a married 33 year old MTF, and last November I came out to my wife, parents, and many of my friends. At first, it looked like my wife would be supportive, and I started seeing a GID therapist. I was about a month away from starting hormones when things started to fall apart...

I lost my job, which put stress onto my life and marriage. Then my wife decided that she couldn't handle my transition, so I basically had to choose between being a woman and keeping the family together. Finally, my wife found sordid details of my past infidelity after snooping around on my computer a bit.

I could have taken the opportunity to run away.. home to Seattle, to my college friends and accepting environment, and started gobbling hormones like Ms. Pac-Man feasts on those little white dots... but I didn't. I'm staying in Springfield, looking for jobs and trying to keep my family together (we have a 3-year-old son).

I'm also seeing a new therapist, and we are trying to unpack sooooo many of my mental problems and neuroses... One issue to figure out: Would transitioning help make me a happier, more well adjusted person, or is my desire to be a woman a symptom of my low self-esteem? My therapist (who my wife is also seeing) seems to think I'm trans, and thinks that my wife may be more open to me transitioning after all these other crises have passed.

So I'm still trying to figure things out.. and I'm back here on Susan's because I missed the support I found here just a couple of months ago...

Thank you
Johnny/Johnnie

[myles]

Welcome back I was wondering where you had gone. Life happens and you have to do what is right for you.
Myles

[Shana A]

Welcome back! There is no shame in not transitioning, there are many things to consider when making this step, and your family is important! Good luck sister!

Z

[PolarBear]

Welcome back! Please don't feel ashamed, there is nothing wrong with not knowing how to resolve something.
I hope you and your wife will be able to figure this out together.

Vincent

[RebeccaFog]

Welcome back.

I'm sorry about how things got turned around for you.   It's not your fault, though.  Whatever you do, don't waste any energy on carrying guilt or shame around with you. Especially when you are here.

[Ellieka]

Welcome back! (((HUGS)))

Like others have said, nothing to be ashamed of. Starting to transition before your absolutely sure that is what you need to do is a bad idea.
Its like an infection, You have to cure the infection before you can repair the wound. 

[Chrissty]

Hi Johnnie

This fence some of us are "sitting on" has been getting a little crowded recently, but I'm sure we can find you a comfy spot.!

I hope you get some good news soon, and can rediscover your way ahead....



Chrissty

[gennee]

You not transitioning could be a blessing in disguise. What if you did transition and discovered that you made a mistake? It's great that you and your wife are seeing a therapist. Resolving your questions and confusion will make things clearer for you.

Welcome back.

Gennee

[tekla]

Life is about choices, and responsibilities, sometimes, if not often, the second gets in the way of the first.  I've always thought that in the long run, giving up on your responsibilities will haunt you more than not getting what you wanted at that moment. 

[Windrider]

Hey, there! I had been wondering where you'd gone. I'm sorry to hear about your job That's been going around a lot. I hope things turn around for you both soon. I'm glad to hear that therapy is working out for you both too.

Welcome back!

WR

P.S. My offer still stands if your wife would like someone to talk to. I'm in and out on the chat these days (we just moved), but Mondays are a good time to catch me.

[NicholeW.]

Welcome back, Johnnie.

There's a lot more to transitioning than just putting on a dress and heels and doing make-up. Or than in wearing flannel and growing a beard. More people should rolly get that clue.

I tend to agree with tekla as well. We sometimes makes a bed and then must at least do the nicety of re-making it after we sleep in it before leaving the room, so to speak. I think Gennee also makes a good point, before you leap you should have at least some sort of idea about why you wish to make the leap and where you're likely to land.

Nichole

[Purple Pimp]

It takes courage to transition, but it takes a hell of a lot more to not transition when circumstances aren't right.  I hope things get better, and don't be a stranger!

Lia

[vanna]

Welcome back, Johnnie.

There's a lot more to transitioning than just putting on a dress and heels and doing make-up. Or than in wearing flannel and growing a beard. More people should rolly get that clue.

I tend to agree with tekla as well. We sometimes makes a bed and then must at least do the nicety of re-making it after we sleep in it before leaving the room, so to speak. I think Gennee also makes a good point, before you leap you should have at least some sort of idea about why you wish to make the leap and where you're likely to land.

Nichole

Very much feel this too,

i hope it works out for you Johnnie and you find the help you really need

[Arch]

I just wanted to put in my two cents' worth and offer support. You have to live with the assumption that the choices you have recently made are indeed the right choices--for now. I put off transitioning for years because I had things to accomplish and because various issues were insurmountable at the time. Then came a time when everything came together--not exactly in a pretty way, but sometimes that's how it goes--and now I'm into the next phase, medical transition. It has taken years of deferral and months of hard work in therapy and...well, you know the drill, I'm sure.

I suspect that right now you are doing what you need to do. Try not to stress. You will get where you are going. And there is nothing to be ashamed of. NOTHING. You be proud of yourself, y'hear?

[Alyssa M.]

Hi dear,

I'm happy to hear you are having a good experience in therapy. Genee is right, or at least her words ring true with my experience. For me, transitioning was not even a remote possibility before I took care of a lot of other troubles I had in my life. To be able to begin to transition required a lot of therapy and introspection and learning about how to deal with the other problems in my life. I could transitioned years ago and been a very unhappy woman today, but what the point have been?

~Alyssa

[Wendy C]

Nothing at all to be ashamed of. Life is a dance it has been said and who among us doesnt make missteps. That you have raport with your Therapist and are working through things is a plus. Take you time and find yourself, there really isnt a time limit given. Take your own pace and what you can safely handle. Hugs

Wendy

[Maya]

The issue of transition is very personal and each one unique.  This is not a competition or a race so no need to be ashamed.  If you transition or not, any emotional or other issues will still be there to be worked on.  Transition is not a magic remedy that solves problems unrelated to being trans - sometimes in the rush to get through transition this point gets lost.  Take whatever time you need to truly know if this path is right for you.  You may stop and start many times, and take many years to get to a decision, that's OK.

Gool luck, Maya

[Maura]

I too stopped - for more than a year and now I'm restarting.

My wife and some select family members and select friends were the only one's who knew I was transitioning - except of course for all my newer friends in the transitioning world.

I too am married, three kids - 2 in college and one in 8th grade.  I stopped because I was tearing myself up with pre-guilt feelings.  It ripped into my wife but we were already just roomates at that point anyway, staying together for the kids.  We didn't argue or fight - just fell out of marriage style of love - she did her stuff, i did mine.

I'm a little older than you - now I'm 50 but started transtioning when I was, hmm, 47 I think, maybe 46.  I stopped after 2 years and at first it was ok.  I convinced myself that I got it out of my system, everythings cool now, etc.  For me though it didn't last.  The past six months have been a private horror story.  I too am jobless now, and I'm an entrepeneur - I basically fired myself and have plunged into financial ruin.  After some really tough battles with myself I have realized that I can't go back to the denial I was living since my early teens.  So I'm going back into therapy, back onto HRT and getting back into shape.

Oh yeah - I also gained a lot of weight from become dis-interested in pretty much everything, including staying in shape.

I hope your search turns out better.  Luckily you have someone there that is willing to do the therapy with you for some mutual discovery.  I just withdrew, kept it all secret and inside as if I could figure it all out myself - kind of like what I did for so many years before.  It was a friend of mine (a trusted and informed friend of over 20 years) in New York City that I hadn't seen in over a year that woke me up.  I spent a week with him and other friends in NYC doing some real soul searching to come to this decision to go back into transitioning.

[Cindy]

Hi
Just my 5 cents worth.

There is NO shame in stopping and starting. I have to admit I haven't read Transitioning for Dummies, now there's an idea .

Keep positive.
Every day has 24hrs and every week seven days. Stand tall, walk gently, and look at life in the eye

Love Cindy James

[Lacey Lynne]

Hi, Johnnie, and welcome back!

There's on old saying that sounds trite, but it has a whole lot of truth to it:

"It's not what happens to you in life, it's how you take it."

Many of us here at Susan's have had trials and tribulations.  Just like you, I may have to delay transitioning for a while.  Okay, if need be, but once circumstances improve, I'm right back in there and going for it.  Life's just that way sometimes. 

We're here for you.  Wanna talk?  Just ask! 

Hugs!