Coming Out When You Are Stealth

[Lisbeth]

You went to the trouble of changing your name, moving away, and getting another job. You have been living stealth in your chosen gender for some time, and you've been successful at it. Now for some reason, you have decided to come out to someone.

How different is this process from coming out before transition? How is it the same? This is not a topic I have ever seen addressed anywhere. The assumption seems to be that the stealth person dissolves and is never heard from again. I can't believe in it as end of story fine. There has to at least be a sequel, where disclosures are necessary.

[Janet_Girl]

First of all if you are in stealth and all is well,  why would you need to?

Is it because you are taken by someone?  That would be totally a different subject.

I guess I would need more information.  But then again I am not stealth.

Janet

[cindianna_jones]

I told that someone special before I married him.

Years ago, I told a few special friends.  We've since lost track of each other.  I do now have special friends that I'd like to tell.   But somehow, I worry that we might lose track of each other.  So, I just let it go.  Why does it matter after all these years?  I suppose that I still have this need to do what I can to help spread the word that it is OKAY to be like this and that we should all have equal rights.

Cindi

[tinkerbell]

Like with doctors for instance?  That is the only time I would "out" myself and even then, it would have to be for a medical condition for which I had no other option but to tell them about my personal, medical history.  Otherwise, there is no need for anyone to know about my private life.  Some of us have built careers, new relationships, friends, an entire new life in our true gender, and I don't intend to jeopardize any of that to be "out and proud", end of the story.


tink

[Buffy]

Once in 8 years have I disclosed my past to my now business partner who I had known for 4 years before we went into business together.

Why? because I wanted to ensure there where no secrets between us and to ensure she knew I trusted her.

We talked about it for about 30 minutes and she has never mentioned it again in nearly 4 years. As she said at the time, she only knows me now and respects me for the person I am.

Needless to say she has also become my best friend.

Buffy

[tinkerbell]

...and before someone comes on here bitching about how on earth we have the nerve to "hide the truth"...

Often times someone will say, "How on earth can you go from one closet to another, letting people believe you are a woman and hiding the truth?"  "What, how can you just bury (your) past as a man and live a lie?"  Or how can you bury (your) past as a transsexual or transsexual woman or trans person or ->-bleeped-<- and live a lie?  Someone recently said, "Some of us can pass as women but we let people know we are trans because we aren't ashamed of what we are."  To me being a woman isn't an exercise in shame and it makes me wonder what such a person believes they are.
To me being a woman isn't an idea.  To me being a woman isn't a way to "hide the truth".  To me being a woman is who I am.

tink

[Northern Jane]

I came out to my husband when the relationship started getting serious. That was 6 years post and the topic never came up again.

I have shared some of my childhood with a couple of close friends and it is also a non-issue. I chose to share that information in order to be able to talk openly about childhood issues.

"Coming out" (not a good phrase!) is entirely different when someone has known you only as a woman for many years. A person's perceptions are formed very quickly and are very hard to change so telling a close friend has little effect on the friendship but it does give them some insight into things like why you are childless.

A rumour of my medical past went through my community some 5 years after I had moved to the area. Although it was the topic of gossip for awhile, the idea was eventually dismissed as incongruous and dropped.

[Mister]

This post is strange to me.  I come out to two types of people-
Medical professionals (but not that time I broke my arm and went to the ER)
People i'm intending on sleeping with.

otherwise, why tell?

[Steph]

I would dearly love to be stealth, however I'm too well known in my city, all because I transitioned in the work place.  I'm happy I did it just makes dating a little tricky at times.

Like those here if there is a chance that i will become intimate then I will certainly tell if they are from town.  However the gentleman who has taken me under his wing is from another area and I will not reveal my past to him.

My medical history is well documented as my files can be accessed by any Doctor, medical professional, hospital etc. simply be logging into the medical Data Base and swiping my Medical ID Card (OHIP) for short.  It's all there for them to see.

Steph

[cindybc]

I have not found any reason to out myself to anyone since I moved to Vancouver 1 1/2 years ago, except for one Dr.  I work in an all-female environment in a woman's shelter. I also attend two meetups per month, all female members.

I have one close female friend and one female friend who had been TS as close friend. I am part of the TS support group in downtown Vancouver but they do not know anything about who, where, what about me outside the meetings except as who I present.

I cannot think of any reason to tell anyone out there who I am. If discussions come up about my past such as children I will talk about my three children. If discussion comes up about my past I refer to myself in past events as female, when I was a little girl, when I was in my teens (as a girl.); when I was a young lady, when I had my first date, (female gender.)  Ain't lying because I was never the other gender inside nor outside now, either.

Cindy 

[Lisbeth]

This post is strange to me.  I come out to two types of people-
Medical professionals (but not that time I broke my arm and went to the ER)
People i'm intending on sleeping with.

otherwise, why tell?

Alright. Let me tell you why I asked the question. And before I start, I want to say that Buffy came closest to the situation I have in mind. Granted, my situation is about SecondLife rather than real life, but the same thing could happen in real life.

In SecondLife, I manage a neighborhood bar. I've worked my way up from hostess to general manager. I am responsible for the staff members including security staff (bouncers). So there were two events that happened the same night. One was hiring a staff person who is openly transgendered and very nervous about being accepted. The other was having a stalker in drag crash Girls' Nite. At this point I get called on to make the policy decisions about gender exclusion and security at Girls' Nite. After being in stealth since first being hired, do I now come out? And how do I go about it?

This feels to me like a different quality of coming out than I had to do the first time ten years ago.

[cindybc]

As far as the stalker breaking into Girls Night Out I think ya just should have got your bouncers bounce him out on his ear and be done with it. Why say anything about your personal life over that? Nor say anything to that transgendered person except maybe a little bit of supportive talk and a pat on the back and good luck hon. That's business.

Cindy

[Mister]

I wouldn't say anything.  It's like any other demographic.  Would you feel the need to tell this new hire that the two of you are of the same race or religion?  Would you feel compelled to state that you live your life in a wheelchair because someone uses ableist terms? 

[Hazumu]

Oh, waow, one of Susans Zombie Topics is alive again!

=K

[MeghanAndrews]

So this is an online thing? Like the relationships that you have with all of these people are online in the Second Life thing?

[Just Kate]

When I transitioned I was totally stealth.  I felt however that I wasn't being completely honest with the people I started to care about and actually found myself "coming out" that I wasn't always female.  I cannot explain why exactly I would do it, but I would only tell people whom I was getting close to, and not just those I was dating but close girl friends too.  Strange as it was, I actually felt better with those close to me knowing about my past and I never had a bad experience doing it.  Mostly I just got shock and disbelief - they couldn't imagine me as having been a male.

[Sheila]

I don't think you should come out to anyone and if you can go stealth, more power to you. I don't think it is anyones business except yours and of course your doctor will know but I do think that if you are really involved with someone that you care about and plan on making it a long term relationship, then I think you should have the talk with this person. We do live in a small world and your transition can be found out, whether legally or illegally.
Personally, I would not want to be stuck back into that closet again. I have found that I move around this country and other countries just fine. I don't have to disclose my background nor do I keep it a secret. I'm open but I don't tell either. If they find out, that is OK by me. Let them talk, in fact I will join them in the conversation. We can get drunk over this discussion, I don't care. By the time I go home, I'm still female and they have learned something from me. Of course I'm not the sharpest knife in the draw. I'm sure there are some college educated people in here who will just rip me a part.

[tinkerbell]

First of all I would like to apologize if I appear rather grumpy about this topic but for the past few weeks I've had heated arguments about this subject with someone I love very much; hence, please do not take my comments personally, for they are not directed at anyone in particular.

Having said that, I would like to say that I am perfectly aware that we live in a world where things can be found out about people; however that hasn't been my experience and I've been "stealth" (I hate that term BTW) for many years.  Also let's remember that people's situations are totally different. I mean there are those who were raised in a foreign country and therefore don't have elementary or highschool records here in the US; there are others who transitioned young and had a fresh start at life with a new identity; there are those who already had a unisex name prior to transitioning; there are others who started college after changing their name; there are those who established a credit line after a name change, so you see..the possibilities are endless and what I am trying to say here is that no situation/personal life is the same.

Also, I have never been fond of hypothetical situations...I mean I could go on vacation next month and die in plane crash.. yes it could happen..but will that "what if" situation prevent me from flying on a plane?  I think not.  Exactly the same thing with this "stealth" business.  Just because the possibility of being "outed" exists, it doesn't mean that I am going to announce my past to everyone I know now.  That's just ludicrous. If the moment ever comes when people find out about my history, I will deal with it THEN but for now I intend to keep on flying

I just needed to say this, and now I return you to your regular programming!


tink

[cindybc]

Hi Tink, I do pray that everything is fine with you and your beloved. Hey I don't think about being outed or who thinks what about me, unless they confront me face to face about any suspicion as to who or what they think I am, I don't worry about it. I don't even pay attention anymore if anyone is staring at me for what might be the wrong reason.

I am an easy going, loving, caring person, always was even before, and still am. I enjoy a laugh just as much as anyone else, and I enjoy socialising, so I spend a lot of time with people in a day. So I just live as any other woman does that I know, and all treat me as such. I ain't going to worry about being outed until the time comes, then I will deal with it. Until then it's business as usual. Take care sister.

Tink if you wish you can PM me anytime.

Cindy

[Mister]

Also, I have never been fond of hypothetical situations...I mean I could go on vacation next month and die in plane crash.. yes it could happen..but will that "what if" situation prevent me from flying on a plane?  I think not.  Exactly the same thing with this "stealth" business.  Just because the possibility of being "outed" exists, it doesn't mean that I am going to announce my past to everyone I know now.  That's just ludicrous. If the moment ever comes when people find out about my history, I will deal with it THEN but for now I intend to keep on flying

I just needed to say this, and now I return you to your regular programming!


tink

I abide by a similar code, Tink.  Do not disclose unless absolutely necessary.