I just don't know what to do with myself.
I'm 18 years old and I haven't had a lick (and I don't mean to make a pun out of this) of sexual experience. In these times, that is very unusual, even for a transsexual who has body dysphoria. Valentines Day flew by and I didn't spend any of it thinking about how lonely I was or how much I wish I was with someone. But it's the day after and I can't stop thinking about my crush.
This crush is a big secret; it has to be. I can't really become public about it because the person I like isn't interested in transguys. This is really hard for me. People at Positive Images told me to have faith; you never really know how someone might feel when it comes to dating a transgender person. But... I'm really sure about this. This person is still grieving over lost love that happened a long time ago.
I want to comfort him, I want to help him, I want to just shake him and tell them that it's over and it's been over. But it's truly none of my business. We're practically strangers. But since the moment I saw him, I knew something was different about him. I can't say it was "love at first sight," but it was something at first sight. And ever since then, I've been watching him from afar. Watching him laugh and watching them hold back tears. It's all very hard for me to do, but I am afraid if I get close to him, I'll lose him.
This person appears to have a very high self-esteem. And yet, I also see him beat himself up emotionally. One time he just couldn't speak. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't find any words either.
A lot of people like this person because of how he looks like... So this kid is used to a lot of crushes and a lot of people liking him for the wrong reasons. That is yet another reason I hesitate: I worry that I'm not any different, and that I might like this person just because he has such a great smile. But I can name other qualities I like about him... in a very odd way, we complement each other. He likes one thing, I like the other thing that goes with that thing. It's very interesting. But unfortunately, I cannot say more than that without revealing who this person is, and I'm just not ready to do that yet.
I've told a few people. People who wouldn't think it's a big deal. I told them hoping they'd tell someone else, and that this thing would spread like wildfire. But I'm simply not popular enough for that to happen. I should have the balls to tell him myself, but I don't, out of fear of rejection. If I keep my distance, I can still see that person in good spirits. I don't want there to be unnecessary tension between us.
I want to befriend this person, with no other motives in mind. But every time I see him, my face burns with anticipation. The first time he touched me, I felt my entire body perspire. I definitely have some very strong sexual chemistry with this person, but what about on his end? They act so casual, so cool, like he can't see that I'm overcome with desire.
And maybe he really can't see that.
And I almost don't want him to. I have a fear of that intimacy. Someone looking so deep inside of me they can see my soul (if I have one, says the agnostic in me). What if he really said yes? What if things really work out? Will I just explode from the ecstasy? I've never been allowed to be that happy in my life. I've never been allowed to have a partner. Relationships never get past 1/2 base. I have hardly held hands with someone I liked, let alone kissed them or hugged them...
This person has had their arm around me in a casual way. That's a good first step, I'd say. Things are normal, like they should be. But I just can't seem to speak to him for very long. He'll say a few words to me, I'll thank him or something, and then end up having some excuse to leave. I feel like I must hide myself, hide the ugly wolf inside of me that wants to just eat him alive.
It's true. Men are wolves. And as I've started testosterone, I've really become one. Relationships are even more complicated, where both emotion and passion are very much involved. Before when I liked someone only romance was on my mind. Now that I am going through my male puberty, there's a lot more on my mind that I just can't seem to control, and I'm afraid it's written all over my face.
This has been bothering me for months but it's reaching its peak and I'm just dying to tell the person how I feel but... Imagine that you met someone at a party. They shook hands with you and you sat with a group of people and chatted casually, never really talking directly to each other. Also imagine that you see this person 4 times a month for several months, but you never really sit with them or talk to them. Imagine all of this. Then imagine that person comes out of nowhere and proclaims their feelings for you. Wouldn't that be just as odd as a complete stranger coming up to you and saying something like that?
My feelings have been festering for months trying to give themselves a name. My low self-esteem tells me this can't work but my hopes tell me that it can. I don't have the strength to handle heartbreak right now, so I just can't get myself to interact with this person. And yet every time I see him his presence is so strong in the room. I feel sometimes like he and I are the only person in the room. I can't get my mind wrapped around the fact he hardly knows who I am, and has really only seen me make a fool out of myself on multiple occasions. If only I could just show this guy what's really in my mind.
I can really articulate how I'm feeling when nothing is at stake. But when I am in fear, I completely lose my ability. I start to sputter word salad and I usually just end up running away. I need someone who has the strength or the heart to tell me, "wait!" when I try to leave. No one ever has. No one ever cared enough to ask me to stay. Every time I've tried to confess my feelings to someone, and failed, they just brushed me off like a leaf in the wind. I need someone with a strong heart... and this guy seems like he's it.
And damn it, everything I learn about him makes my head spin. And because I hardly know the guy, he could disappear at any moment and I wouldn't know where he went.
Post Merge: February 15, 2009, 09:33:23 PM
Since it's safe to say on here, I'll mention that he's trans too.
