How does gender dysphoria feel?

[imaz]

How does it feel?

When I was young it drove me crazy; guilt, anguish and the desire to totally transition dominated my life. The world seemed binary to me, black and white, male and female and so on.

Now many years on I'm happy where I am, I enjoy be transgendered both socially and sexually. With time I've even reconciled being Muslim with my situation and going back to my religion I met my lovely (lesbian) wife. Her family accepted her and they accepted me, what more could I ask.

[pretty pauline]

How does it feel?

When I was young it drove me crazy; guilt, anguish and the desire to totally transition dominated my life. The world seemed binary to me, black and white, male and female and so on.

Now many years on I'm happy where I am, I enjoy be transgendered both socially and sexually. With time I've even reconciled being Muslim with my situation and going back to my religion I met my lovely (lesbian) wife. Her family accepted her and they accepted me, what more could I ask.

I can relate to a lot of what imaz has posted

How does gender dysphoria feel?

Normal

But it certainly wasn't normal for me, anything but normal.
When I look back the early years of my life was the worse, the bullying and the torment, as I approach my teen years and puberty started I just couldn'd take anymore, I came out to my parents when I was 16, they where fully surpportive when I started my transition, my only regret I didn't come out sooner, Iv read a lot lately about transgender children, well I believe I was a transgender child, if I'd known then what I know now my parents would have rared me as a girl, I would have been a happier child if I had just been a girl doing girly things.
Anyway as my transition progressed the more content and happier I became, I was lucky I started young, 24years after srs, Iv never been happier, I love being woman, just being a complete female.
p

[Beyond]

Dysphoria is a general feeling of discomfort or ill being. Anxiety also. Probably if your comfortable with yourself (gender) then there is no dysphoria. Once I was told I was gender dysphoric. Another therapist told me no. As long as a person is comfortable their gender it can not be dysphoria. Accepting androgyny will ensure a person can't be gender dysphoric.

Easier said then done.  Transsexual people don't want to be androgynous, they want to be the woman (or man) they should have been.  The dysphoria will not lessen until their goal is achieved.  Going full-time was BIG, but my body dysphoria was only fixed with SRS.


edit:  Maybe you're referring to compartmentalization?  That's a coping mechanism people use for different reasons.  For example: My kids.  I lost all contact with my kids because of divorce.  I have no idea what they've been doing the last 6 years.  I have no idea what they look like.  My ex is a brick wall.  I deal with it by compartmentalization.  That is I think about it as little as possible because of the pain it causes.  The issue is STILL there, I just choose not to think about it.  This coping mechanism can be used for dysphoria, but make no mistake the dysphoria is NOT gone, just hidden.


edit: Please don't suggest legal action because I've already consulted a lawyer.  The divorce agreement is pretty ironclad.  I was naive and stupid 6 years ago and I have to live with it.

[imaz]

IMO you'll get past all that.

Time is a great healer, enjoy who you are, look on the bright side.

We are all unique, being different is a blessing in many ways and there are many people out there who will love you for who you are.

It will get better believe me. The most important thing is to learn to love and accept oneself.

[Nicodeme]

Everything just feel wrong, all the time. I feel mostly frustration, I can't do the things I want to do or even something as simple as wearing the clothes I want to wear. I panic about things that normal people don't even think twice about. Getting on a bus and going shopping is a huge ordeal for me, as is using the phone.  I feel uncomfortable and awkward in this body and it projects onto everything else in my life.

Huh. This sounds about right.

I've been in doubt that what I feel is dysphoria, but this confirms it for me. So thank you.

[Jen72]

For me it feels like standing in one spot being pulled 2 directions. Logically being born male I should do this but yet at the same time I think more like a female. So I tried to fit in the middle and find some balance. As it sits now that balance is failing in that now I am leaning or rather admitting to myself that I do have a female side even more then male but then I got depressed that well what am I about to become. However accepting who I am has lessened the anxiety in ways now I can not stop thinking about it. As for fitting in I do not I never was interested in what males think/do yet interested in what girls think/do. Since I am currently male I just don't fit but hoping that hrt will shed some light as to what direction I am about to head yet also realising it is not the total answer but a push if you will to finding m true self that I have buried for a long time.

Fyi in my 40s and pre hrt so my experience with that are nil save I tried herbs once and felt a instance of I think euphoria. It was very short and do not advise herbs just to weak with a lot of extra junk that can really hurt you. The way I look at this is a road in my life and to learn from it however it goes. This next road may cover some of my old paths but will still have memories of those old roads. Time to move forward:)

Edit: Just something to add the feeling it now feels like a choice yet not really like my destiny or fate is nagging me to follow a new path so that I am no longer stuck in the mud of the current road.

[Lady Smith]

I know other have said this too, but I always felt like I'd studied for a particular part in a play only to discover that I had to take the part of someone else.  And as stumbled about trying to fulfill this unfamiliar role everything I did only served to confirm that something was very wrong.

[Jessie Ann]

For me it is very difficult to describe because for so long I was able to repress it (or compartmentalize as Beyond said) or so I thought.  I fought depression for most of my life and couldn't understand why I was depressed and why I hated my life and wanted to die.

On the surface, to the outside world I was generally seen as a handsome, witty and intelligent. I was married and had 4 kids that kept me very busy.  On the inside I was a frightened individual who doubted themself and was unhappy with most everything in my life. 

When I was young I had a lot of friends that were girls and I enjoyed playing with them and doing girl things. I remember being teased by the other boys and feeling different.  I cross dressed and longed to be a girl and prayed I would wake up one morning as one.  I couldn't tell anyone my feelings, not even my mother who had said she was sure she was having a girl because her pregnancy with me was so much different than it was with my older brother. 

I was depressed and contemplated killing myself a lot and actually almost carried it out a number of times. Somehow I was not able to put 2+ 2 together and figure out that the source of my depression was my trans status. I wanted to be anything but trans and so I wrote off the occasional cross dressing episodes as being deviant sexual behavior and loathed myself for giving into the behavior. I was able to convince myself that if I threw away the objects that were part of that deviant behavior I could get myself back under control and be the normal guy I was susposed to be. Then the depression would set in again.

The thing is I had no idea it was gender dysphoria that was the actual problem. I thought the symptoms were the problem. So for most of my adult life I was in a state of denial and not even aware of what was causing my problems. When my latest episode of feeling a compulsion to cross dress arrived, it arrived with a vengeance. There was no denying the sense of feeling alive when I got dressed up. I had no idea that there were breast forms you could attach to yourself. The first time I was able to get dressed up in a wig, forms clothes and shoes it felt so right.  I knew as soon as I felt the forms attached to me that I was finally feeling what it was like to be normal.  I knew I could not live unless I was going to be able to have my body changed and have my own natural breasts.

That was fairly recently.  Once I came to the realization that I was trans and discovered that it was only going to accelerate and get worse as I aged, I knew I would be transitioning. In the course of the last six months I have come to the realization of my status, begun therapy and hormone treatments and began the legal process to change my name and gender.  Next Friday my name and gender will be changed and next month I will be living and working as my true self.

So for me gender dysphoria has been like living in this big dark cloud but not knowing why you are in that cloud and not having the ability to try to shed light on it because you didn't realize what cloud you were in.   It was a dark and lonely place that I kept hidden from everyone, myself included. To make up for that I became very good pretending to be someone I thought everyone wanted me to be.

I am glad to have finally been given a flashlight and I see the path out of this cold dark and lonely place and I am getting to find that I do like this life and I am important to some people.   

[sam1234]

Part of how you feel depends on your personality. Some seem to take it better than others. Until fifth grade, I felt disappointed if my parents wouldn't let me get some sterotypical toy, like a GI Joe or BB gun, although they wouldn't let my brothers either, it was more of a violence thing. I did, however feel extremely humiliated if I had to wear a dress for some reason. After fifth grade when the boys broke off from the girls for puberty, I felt lost, depressed and eventually suicidal. There was no where to fit in, so i just tried to be invisible. It was much like living in a bubble where I could see out, but no one could see in, so I stopped looking out.

sam1234

[LeaP]

How does gender dysphoria feel?

Normal

LOL!  Great answer.

Here's an example of how this plays out. My therapist insisted on sorting out depression (among other issues) before diving into anything sex or gender related. My response?  I was resistant and concerned!  After all, I KNOW how to function while depressed (I'm bipolar), but have no idea how to live without it! 

[enigmaticrorschach]

i dont experience dysphoria all that much which is strange. i really dont have a problem with the boy bits though i will in the next few years get SRS. i guess its because i dont want to forget who i am. being a boy is as much important to me as wanting to live my life asthe girl i know myself to be. i'm grateful for who i am and i accept myself and all my perfect imperfections so i guess thats why i never really experienced dysphoria beyond the level of discomfort

[Mariah]

My dysphoria now mainly circles around the genitals and really is brought to the surface everytime electro is done down there where the feelings of disgust and repulsion rise.
Mariah

[Emileeeee]

For me,

Mass confusion.  Like being stuck on a fence where part of you is tugging in one direction and another part is tugging in another. It's hard to deal with all that tugging and I just want to make a decision, but I'm afraid that I'll still feel that tugging no matter which side I lean towards. I do have a strong body dysphoria though, so I'm currently thinking that I need to go through a full transition while still being free to cross between the gender divide. That may change though. The more I accept myself, the less confusion is present. I've also never been a dress girl, but I asked my girlfriend last night to go dress shopping with me. So for all I know I could end up being a girly girl once I have full acceptance of myself.

[Kellam]

Most times it feels like I'm wearing a costume. A permanent costume that I can't take off. It's like... being in a play and playing the wrong part, having the wrong script and being unable to memorise the lines because they just don't make sense...

...But sometimes it is frustrating... mostly that comes from the rest of the world's interaction, because they only see the role, not the person forced to play it....

...There's a fundamental dissociation, sometimes to the point where I look in the mirror and it takes several seconds before I recognise the reflection.

Nero put it beautifully back at the start of this thread but this post, also from the first page, literally took the words from my mouth. I wrote this in journals back when I first knew, had started to accept it, but decided to try and hide it. These thoughts haunted me for years.

I identify with almost every post in this thread. At some point from my earliest pre memory confusion (stories and photographs confirm what I have known for as long as I can remember) through years of torture until now, I have felt what you all have felt. The couple of posts about post srs dysphoria give me hope. It realy has felt like torture and left me feeling like such a fraud. I haven't felt like a real person for so long. Before self acceptance I was exhausted, just spent. Every silent moment was haunted with dysphoric pain. My life seemed to hurt and everyone else seemed to live so easily. Whatever their bodily problems. And I saw the people like me who were brave enough to step into the light get mocked, time and time again. I was an out going little kid, now I am terrified of even the slightest socializing. But I am healing, it is getting better. Going full time helped a ton. Coming out to everyone I know was the first time I realy stood up for myself. HRT makes me feel more like myself every day. Dysphoria still drives me to tears at times but I can combat it faster, because I am free to be me. I can recognize the woman in the mirror.

The words of a transman in a TV documentary I saw in my last day before self acceptance will stick with me forever. I re played the segment over and over and I will credit him with giving me the courage to accept myself and take the plunge. To be me. I wish I knew his name but it was the show Taboo (I know, its awful but this one was ok). The words he spoke are burned on my mind...

"...I didn't know it was possible to be this comfortable and be alive."

After a horrendous and alienating childhood and an adulthood shattered by the pain of the closet I felt I had to take the chance. What did I have to lose?

Reading this thread today ( I spent my lunch break bawling while reading it) has been powerfully cathartic. Thank you everyone for sharing!