I need help and advice

[Sophie-1]

When I was a young child I was small for my age and very shy .I felt that I didn't fit in with the boys or girls .When I got old enough to be left at home by myself , I would wear my mum's clothes ,I loved how they felt .
As time went by I got my own flat and started cross dressing .I then got a bit bolder and started going into different towns , but never close to where I lived for fear of seeing someone I new .I am a loner and have no friends , that doesn't bother me .In time I started to feel lonely , and decided to get a girlfriend .(I am not sexually attracted to men )
I met a wonderful woman , we have been together for 13 years , married for 6 years .I never told her about the cross dressing .I didn't dress for 7 years , as I never got the chance to .In 2002  we got married , my wife bought a shop , which meant she had to work on Saturday .So each Saturday I would dress ,my wife suspected nothing of this .
3 years ago we moved to Spain ,I thought a new start ,I got rid of all my female things .Last December my wife went back to the UK for 2 weeks ,a few days before this I had decided that I was going to buy a dress and shoes .As soon has I got home from work I would change into the dress ,I even spent the weekends in the dress .The second weekend I thought ,just 1 more week to dress , then thats it until next year .I broke down and spent the rest of the week crying .During this I started looking on Transgender sites , trying to get some answers I even looked at sex change sites .In my mind I had decided that I wanted to be a girl ,I am so confused .When my wife came home she know something was wrong , and kept asking  me what was wrong .
The next day I devastated her world ,I broke down and blurted out that I wanted to be a girl ,I told her everything .She took this very badly .She has said that I can dress on Sunday , the last time she even came and sat with me .This week she bought me some tights , make up bag ,lacy knickers and a eye liner pencil .she feels that she has accepted this , but if I have a sex change that it .It has affected her health , she took a overdose and went into a coma , it was lucky that I went into the room where she was , when I did .The doctors said she was in a very bad way .She has been diagnosed with clinical depression and Dissoctive  Identity Dissorder .
I really don't know what I want, I never thought about a sex change  until that weekend .We have done a lot of talking over this , and some of the things my wife has said make sense , things I had not thought about .It is making me question what I want .I don't know why this happened ,I have a lovely wife who I love , we live in a lovely country ,I have a good job ,we don't have a mortgage or any debt , so why now I ask myself ?
I am going to see a Psychologist next month , all I want is a solution .
Has anybody else experienced anything like this .     

[Genevieve Swann]

Never had an experience like that. If you feel like you want to continue to dress that's probably alright. SRS is a very large step I beleive. I'm a crossdresser and have been for years. It has never been an obstacle. There was one unfortunate incident. I told a live in female friend about my dressing and she got upset. One day she got drunk came home with another guy and started getting violent because I had admitted to being a CD. She hit me twice then the guy got in the way to break it up. She stabbed him. As far as I know she is still in jail. I found afterwards this was not an isolated incident. Apparently she had a habit of violent assault. She did not get depressed, however....
Post Merge: February 27, 2009, 07:32:32 PM
I don't mean to scare with my story. Sometimes the desire to follow your inner feelings are very strong and one has to be willing to compromise. At least you were honest. May have poor timing on your part. Maybe a calm discussion would have been a better option.

[Chrissty]

Hi Sophie,

Yes, a lot of us have similar experiences to yours. We think we have our GID bottled up and controllable for years as it comes and goes, then one day the world changes and you discover that it goes a lot deeper than you ever expected.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife, but it was lucky that you were able to catch her in time. I know it's not easy, but you must try not to blame yourself, as you had very little control over what happened.

There is no easy answer to this problem, so we have to give ourselves time to slowly work through what are particular needs are, and come to terms with them.

You say that you are going to see a psychologist and that is a good first step in these circumstances. I would try to check the person you are seeing has some experience with GID in advance to avoid wasting time, and you may want to be prepared to book repeat visits at shorter notice while you are building up a rapport. After initial consultations you may also find you want to do some joint sessions with your wife, as this may also help her to come to terms with the situation better.

It's always difficult when the future looks so bleak, but the important thing is to hang in there and not jump to conclusions while you sort things out. The sun will rise tomorrow, and there is a good chance your future will start to seem a little brighter with each passing day.

Take Care



Chrissty

[Sophie-1]

Hi
Genevieve Swann Thanks for sharing this ,it is a terrible thing to happen .I really don't know what happened to me that weekend ,I think it might have been some sort of mental break down .After all I had not CD for nearly 3 years . When I do dress , its like some sort of release , if that makes sense .I am not effeminate in any of my ways or  mannerism  .The Sunday that my wife sat with me , she was observing me ,at the time I was doing a jig saw .
She said that she saw nothing at all feminine with me , EG the way I walked , sat or moved about .She said all she saw was me dressed nothing more .And thinking about it she is right .
I suffer from low self esteem , and lack confidence .
The other night my wife suggested that we go out with me dressed to see what response I got .I said fine but not to the local town ,I didn't want to be recognised .We did go out but I did not dress .
They was one occasion  quite a few years back ,I drove to a town away from where I lived  .It was night time , I just went to the cash machine .As I was walking back to the car , a guy who was a fair distance from me ,whistled at me .I was really scared and walked faster to the car ,Im just glad that he was not any closer , has he would have known I was a man dressed , and who knows what might of happened .
     
   
   
     
           


   

[Vicky]

As a member of a family where mental illnesses have happened in two generations and probably an earlier one or two, I have had to learn more than I ever really intended to on the subject and I can possibly make a couple of helpful comments.  (GIDS is not a mental illness, but can sure make you wonder!)

Your wife's MPD has been around nearly as long as your GID since MPD is usually traceable to having to adapt and live with a recurring intolerable experience from many years before.  It most commonly happens as the result of  frequent physical, sexual, or emotional abuse by other family members or "trusted" members of an extended family.  Your first announcement of your GID would not have caused it by itself. The fact that your announcement may have triggered an episode for her is real, but may be a good thing for both of you, since you did not know about it before then.  If you have a loving relationship, you can help each other better by understanding the other's real problems. 

You both have issues that society teaches us to keep fully secret and that are highly shamefull.  Neither really are to a person with mature understanding and compassion.  Neither are the fault of the posessor (note, I do not use the word victim).

You are here, and there are people here that have the mature understanding and compassion of GID in all its forms.  Your personal story about your crossdressing, (and what may come of it) are pretty much down the center of what happens to those of us with the mental quirk of being unhappy with our birth gender nomination.  (Sorry about using big words, but the shorter ones usually cause a fight to start.)

Use your current circumstances to learn more about your wife and yourself by seeking counseling and community support.  Neither of you is doing anything shameful, and the use of support groups for your life issues is not shameful.  There are support groups for the transgendered, but you do have to look for them.  To borrow a phrase "Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened."  What looks like a terrible time just now may lead both of you to wonderful times ahead.   

[Julie Marie]

Hi Sophie,

Your story is a commonly heard one, not too different from mine. 

The pressure to conform to our birth gender can be overwhelming and can lead to serious denial.  This often results in a lot of unhappiness (to say the least).

Your desire to make sacrifices for your wife is heart warming and admirable.  You may be able to do that until the day you die.  Maybe not.  But all you can do right now is focus on the present.  Your wife seems to have been seriously affected by this.  I don't know if there was other underlying issues.  You have to decide how you will deal with this in this moment.  You can't know what lies in the future so the here and now is all you can respond to.

What I'd suggest is taking your time and not rushing into anything.  If you are truly transsexual, you will know in time.  But losing sight of your present situation can lead to a lot of regret later on.  Focus on your relationship.  Focus on your wife.  Focus on your love.  And focus on your life.  Be honest, but not painfully so.  Work this out with your wife and your therapist.  Encourage your wife to participate in your therapy.

If you do this with love, and not let your trans feelings overwhelm you, you'll have the best chance of emerging happily.

Julie

[Sophie-1]

.She has taken this very badly .She did say that she could live cope with me CD , but not if I have a sex change .She keeps saying why didn't you let me die . why did you come into the room when

you did .she has even text me saying she wants to die
I know that she is not bluffing or trying to manipulate me .When she came and sat with me when I was dressed , she said that she felt ready to handle it .I had my doubts , I thought it was to soon for her .She has been away for 3 days , she told me that she was working in the garden ,when the image of me dressed came into her head , she could not stop crying ,she is very depressed .She has days when she feels hypo active , and days when she feels really tired and doped up . She is on 9 different pills , valium , 2 different anti depressants , and sleeping pills .She has asked me to make a list for pros and cons , regarding CD and sex change , she is also going to do the same .She is a very practical and down to earth person .She calls a spade a spade .The 3 days she was away I only dressed twice , then not fully .
My wife has had depression before , but never as bad has this ,they is no mental illness in her family . It is all down to me . 

[Chrissty]

Hi Sophie,

All you can do is what you feel is right in your heart.

It may be a matter of compromise for now, while your wife recovers from the truauma of your announcement.

She was clearly OK with it, until the reality hit her a few days later. This the normal effect of shock.

I think a little time and just being there for each other is required, and it will make you both feel better while you slowly try to work things out.

You have already taken a lifetime to get to this point.

This process will take a few weeks, not days.

Take Care



Chrissty

[barbie]

I think SRS and crossdressing are essentially the same in that both can not change our chromosomes and are for making changes in our exterior appearance. My soul would be the same whether I undergo SRS or not. I already have kids and I do not want to be pregnant at all.

Does my soul have a gender? I am not quite sure. Of course, my mind become more feminine when I wear fully women's dress and shoes, especially when wearing lipstick.

I would postpone the SRS issue in your situation, but I am not quite sure. My wife still sometimes asks me to have shorter hairs. Although most people do not accept my crossdressing fully, it sometimes serves as amusement among my family and also in my work place.

I want to make people happy by my crossdressing.

Barbie~~

[Sophie-1]

Hi ,
Thanks everyone for the comments .I posted on another site and this is the reply.

I do have empathy for your situation and have been through very similar turmoil myself.
Whilst I'm quite happy to tell you the story of my life and 30 year marriage I think that right now you urgently need some simple pointers towards a plan of action before you do anything terminal to your relationship.

Firstly...... one of the usual indicators of transsexualism is absent from what you have said so far - a very long held desire to actually BE a woman.
From what you have said you may be deeply ->-bleeped-<- and nothing more, in which case it IS perfectly possible for you and your wife to continue.
There are many happy couples where the husband is trans with the knowledge and often active participation of the wife - in that regard you are fortunate in that your wife is trying to make the best of the situation and has even been out and bought you some stuff and suggested that you go out together.
This is a VERY positive thing - many wives more or less simply walk out as soon as the situation becomes known to them.
The most important advice that I can give to you at this time is to slow down and calm down!

Dressing is an important part of your personality and cannot be denied - it is not a thing that will ever go away, as you have already realised.
But.... you have not been dressing for a long time and giving in to the urge after abstinence always brings a euphoria and a desire for more. You have also opened up and told your nearest and dearest which after years of secrecy and denial causes powerful emotions to surge.
Right now, you don't know your arse from your elbow - you're (both) far too stressed and disorientated to be making very important decisions about your own future or your future together.

The first thing to do is to stop scaring your wife so much!!! Stop saying at this point that you are transsexual and give it a little time while you work out for sure whether you actually are or not.
There are varying degrees of transvestism from masturbating whilst wearing a pair of knickers through to leading practically a complete double life and in that female component there may be no sex at all.
There are also many who ARE transsexuals, but for various reasons do not go along with it, finding a tolerable compromise instead.

The desire to be a woman is common to all these - it's a question of degree.
->-bleeped-<-s also very much want to BE women, they don't really want to be a man-dressed-as-a-woman ...... but they only want it for a short time, they don't want to give up manhood forever.
There are transsexuals who definitely want to be women, but find that they are able to get along with much less - a quite high proportion of diagnosed transsexuals who are in the Program and have taken hormones do not make full transition. Some begin their transition intending to go all the way to genital surgery and then change their mind long before because they've reached a point where they've found enough peace of mind.

At this early stage and in the stress and confusion you are experiencing through finally dealing with this long suppressed "problem" you cannot possibly know for sure what you do want in the long term.
The one thing that is VERY clear is that both you and your wife care deeply for each other and if possible want to stay together.

I think that at this stage, this is what you should do:-
Stop telling the wife that you want to completely be a woman (sex-change surgery)
Start dressing regularly. Wife knows now and is prepared to try and accommodate so include her - go shopping for stuff for you, seek her advice, spend time together with you dressed, go out if possible.
- in other words, express this feminine side that you have kept secret for so long.
Get help! Contact the Beaumont Society immediately - as Becky says, they have strong support for wives and it would undoubtedly be helpful to your wife to talk to other wives who have had to deal with the same thing. Right now she will feel very alone - her entire world has crumbled without warning and she needs to know that it is possible to get through this, that others have done so and how.
Contact your nearest ->-bleeped-<-/transsexual group (Beaumont may advise where and how) and go to a meeting.

You need to take your time..... you may find if you do dress regularly, that alone is enough. Whether you are in fact transsexual and whether even then you are driven to go all-the-way is something that you can only decide when the dust has settled from your sudden revelations and you have had time to adjust to the new situation where you now have the freedom to express your feminine side on a regular basis.

Do not take any important decisions about your marriage or make sweeping statements about your future plans unt .I read this and agree with what she says .At the moment though I can't see my wife helping me choose clothes , or going out dressed ,it's just too soon .She thought that see could cope seeing me dressed ,then she had another set back .
I have shown my wife this post , and she said that's what she has been saying all along .I have read this post over and over ,and yes I think this is the answer, this is what I want .
I am going to see a psychologist this month , just to get some in put ,a solution , but I think I have found it , just need to have it clarified .When my wife went away for 3 days , she told me not to embarrass her , she meant not to go out dressed  , we live in a small village .I  will let you all know how I get on ,
            Sophie 

[Sophie-1]

The other Saturday we had a good long talk, my wife asked me how I felt.She said tonight dress and we will watch tv together. I was surprised at this, and asked her if she was sure, she said she was. I wore unisex clothes, with make up and wig.I kept asking if she was ok. The night was fine, she even kissed me while I was in fem mode.
This weekend she suggested that I dress and we go out shopping together. I have never been out during the day dressed.We drove to a town 45 mins away, so as not to see anybody that we knew. I was very nervous and scared.  My wife was watching to see if anyone would look at me odd, 5 people did, but as my wife pointed out people, are looking at the shops , or chatting to each other. We went into a bar, my wife did the ordering, the person who served us kept looking at me.
We both bought some clothes, all fem.My wife suggested that the testing point would be to go out at night to a bar . We drove 20 mins so as not to see anyone . My wife did the ordering again, we had a really good night.When we got home,I put my arms around her, kissed her and said thank you. she asked why I had said that. I told her it was because of today. My wife said that she would try anything as long has she had me as I am, she said that she could cope with the CD but nothing else.
At the moment we are renovating our house. She said that when we sell,we will get a semi and make it really private, so no one will be able to see anything then I can dress as and when. She said by doing that I have the best of both worlds.My mum and wife have been asking me questions, and saying thing, that have made me think. In December it was all clear in my head that I wanted a SC, now I'm not sure, I do think that I had some sort of break down, after all I had not dressed for 3 years, and has my wife says I overdosed with the dressing, I think she could be right.
My wife is still very depressed, we were out one day, everything was fine. We called into a bar for coffee, the next thing she started crying. She is due to see the psychologist at the end of the month. We went to the doctors to get more medication for her, the doctor asked if she still wanted to die, she said yes, she feels dead inside .
        sophie   

[Chrissty]

Your post sounds reasonably positive Sophie.
I don't think there is much more you can do for now but continue as you are, slowly sorting out what you both need while offering mutual support. 

I hope the psycologist can help, but again it will take a few sessions before much progrss will be made. 

Take Care



Chrissty

[barbie]

Hi, Sophie,

I know that we are 'unusual' people, but your story sounds like a surreal novel. It seems to me that your couple is in a crisis. If I were you, I would more take care of your wife while keeping down my own gender issue more or less for a while.

Love,

Barbie

[Sophie-1]

This weekend we had planned on going shopping with me dressed for fem clothes. My wife has joined a few mental health forums. The night before we were going shopping, I came into the room where my wife was. She was in a very bad way, she was crying and posting on the mental forum. I saw the post and asked her why she was feeling like that. She told me everything about how she was feeling, she had suicidal thoughts, and felt really desperate. She said that she needed to talk to someone , she also said that the psychologist had told her that if she felt bad, she had to go to the hospital. I asked her if she wanted to go, she said that she did. She packed some night clothes and toiletries in case they kept her. I knew things must have been bad has she was prepared to stay in a Spanish hospital, when she doesn't speak much Spanish . We went to the local hospital, it was late at night. We were told that we would have  to go to another one, 45mins away.
My wife told them how she was feeling. They have prescribed another anti depressant , multi vitamins, and she has to have 6 injections for thiamin. We didn't get home until 4-30am. That day we didn't go out , my wife said she was sorry for putting me through this. I told her she had nothing to be sorry for, and that I was sorry for putting her through this. that night we went out. In one of the bars, they was a couple sat at the bar. The lad kept turning round to look at me, then said something to his girlfriend. I knew that I was a man in fem clothes.
This morning my wife was crying again, she told me the reason why. On Tuesday I have my first appointment with the psychologist, I will let you know how I get on.     

[Sophie-1]

Sorry I have not been in touch. I can't believe how stupid I have been, I missed my appointment. It was wrote on the calender for Monday, but for some reason I had it in my head that it was Tuesday. I realised this on Monday night.On the Tuesday I went to the hospital and explained this to them, I practical begged them to let me see someone one else. They made me an appointment for May. I then drove to my GP and told her, by then I was crying, she came round and gave me a cuddle. I asked her about the T blockers, she said that she would mention this to the Urologist and psychologist.When I left home my wife was asleep, I knew that if she woke up she would think that I had tricked her,and that my appointment was on the Tuesday, this she did think. I told her everything about the morning, I was upset for the rest of the day at my own stupidity.My wife's appointment was the following week, she suggested that I ask if he would see me. He said that he could only see one family member, so I just have to wait now.
My wife suggested that we go away for Easter with me in fem mode, we have some Spanish friends, last year they said that they had a house at Polaris World that we could stop in. I asked them about it , so on Saturday we will be driving down with them, then after that I will live 10 days as female.
We have been out and bought a lot of clothes, my wife has said that I can borrow a couple of her things. Life at home is back to normal now, the first few months were terrible, all the abusive and the nasty things from my wife. But now I have my wife back. The other day she even told her mum everything, she wouldn't do this at first because she felt ashamed. Her mum was very surprised, but is fine with it , has long as she doesn't see me dressed.(we live in Spain , her mum lives in the Uk) Her mum said that the only thing that she feels bitter about, is that I caused her illness, and the suicide attempt .
My wife is very supportive, and offers advice which I really do appreciate. I now feel that the urgency I had in December has slowed down, maybe it's because of what we are doing and the support. I have only been dressing the full day and night on Saturday, my wife asked why not the other 2 days. I told her it was because I didn't want to go overboard for her sake, and that I wanted to go out dressed, she said that we could . Last week we were out talking, and I was just about to say something but stopped myself, my wife said go on ask me the question, I know what you are going to say. I thought that she was going to get mad, she kept saying ask me. I tried to make a joke about it, saying I could do with some fake breasts. She said that she knew I was going to ask that, and for the last few days she had been thinking about it. She said that we would have a look together, then I could order some. In February she hacked into my LT and saw that I had ordered some, she cancelled the order. My wife had only been using a computer for a year, so I was really surprised that she managed that, she has since said that she will not do that again, as long has I am honest.
I have since decided not to have surgery. I told my wife it is a sacrifice to keep her. she asked if I was trying to trick or manipulate her, I told her no.
So the dogs are booked in at the kennels, and I am just waiting for Saturday.My wife is still struggling with depression, but now I usually see the signs. When I went to work yesterday she was fine. She said that she went down really fast , and slashed both of her arms with a razor blade, I feel terrible when she does this.
Sophie

[Sophie-1]

I have just spent 10 days in fem mode, we were on holiday. It was fantastic, it felt so right and the real me came out. My wife noticed the change in me, and saw how happy I was. They Bar where we were was a mixture of Spanish, Brits. One night we were in a bar, they had Karaoke on, my wife as not done Karaoke for about 4 years, but she did about 6 songs, it was wonderful to see her enjoying herself. Later on 2 young lads came in, 1 winked at my wife, I turned to look and also got winked at. The 2 lads moved to a table near to us, 1 of them said to me "why don't you sing"I used to sing but in fem mode it was a no no situation. We both went over to them, I was crouched down. I said why don't you sing La Bamba . The lad said that he could not sing, next thing he took hold of my hand, he was stroking my arm,then put his arm around me. I was a bit worried that he would feel the wig, and a bit nervous. My wife went to sit at our table, a bit later I joined her. I told her that he said that he wanted to sleep with me, I told him that I was married. My wife went to the toilet, as she came out the other lad came out and started talking to her, he took his mobile out , my wife played dumb due to language. She asked if he wanted her to take a photo, he said no, he was after her mobile number. I don't dance , but at the end of the night they played You'll never walk alone, my wife got me up. Each time I put my arms up my boobs stayed there , I had to pull them back and hoped no one noticed. I had a fantastic time.When we got back my wife started crying, she said that she hated the way he was touching me. I am not attracted to men at all. She said that I have a lot to learn, and that I was giving the wrong signals, and was a bit touchy.
Another time we went into the same bar during the day , we noticed this man. At night we went back , he started chatting us up. He crouched down and as he was talking he was moving his arms, I put my arm across my crutch , as he was getting a bit close, next thing he kissed me on the lips. I never moved my lips, and was shocked. He wanted us to go back to his place , which was not far from us. We didn't go back.

[Sophie-1]

My wife goes back to the UK each year, for 2 weeks. Today she asked me if I would still go out dressed. I told her I would go out each Friday and Saturday night. My wife was surprised at this. I have never gone into a bar on my own before. When I am dressed I feel more confident, more at ease, it just feels right. I told her that I would go to the bars where we usually go, as people are getting to know us.
Last night we went out to a bar, I opened the door to let my wife go in first. She told me not to do that, as it is a male action. She said that I have a lot to learn, as regards acting female. When I told my wife right at the start, she started drinking quite excessively, she has now cut down on her drinking drastically. Each day I see an improvement in her. When I told her she lost interest in everything. Last week she went out and started pulling up the weeds. Yesterday she was working on a dress that she started making last year. 

[Nicky]

This all sounds very strange to me, it is like reading a fantasy, like those wife trains husband up to be a woman type fantasy... something seems off to me. You both seem more obsessed with the dressing and hanging out in bars than the fact that she slits her wrists, takes overdoses, texts you saying she wants to die and drinks a lot.

[Sophie-1]

Insert Quote
This all sounds very strange to me, it is like reading a fantasy, like those wife trains husband up to be a woman type fantasy... something seems off to me. You both seem more obsessed with the dressing and hanging out in bars than the fact that she slits her wrists, takes overdoses, texts you saying she wants to die and drinks a lotNicky, what is strange about my posts? If you had read the posts properly, you would have seen that she has cut down on her drinking. In fact she now drinks very little. I never said that she slits her wrists, I said that she cuts her arms. The od was soon after I told her that I wanted to be a girl, a few months back. She is getting better each day. As for hanging out in bars, we go out twice a week. I dress in fem on a Saturday. I asked her the other day if she still wanted to die, she said no. I really don't understand what you are getting at, especially the fantasy, and wife trains husband up to be a woman type fantasy. What's all that about?? 

[Nicky]

I should not have said anything. My apologies.

How do you feel about her being depressed and hurting herself? You never really said.