Clarification

[Jester]

I actually need help clarifying my gender.

Born male, but with early memories of wanting to be a girl that were mostly of a naively inquisitive nature throughout elemtentary school, with the first serious issue arising when I was ten and this random girl had one of these little games where one of my friends asked for something and she'd only give it to him if he pretended to be a girl.  For the next couple of weeks, I actively tried to get the same treatment and I remember people thinking it was creepy.

Anyways, I realized/decided that I was an mtf when I was about 14 and had bouts of depression, lots of online friends, crossdressing, and a couple of real life dramas concerning things.

Then I graduated and got my first real girlfriend, who I told and she said she was totally okay with everything, and then broke up with me because of my ->-bleeped-<-.

I spent the next year manning up because I was bitter towards this one girl and started acting kind of chauvinist though I knew I wasn't and listening to ultra testosterone driven power metal.  Manowar especially espoused big muscles, girls are for one thing only, I like motorcycles and screw the world types of thoughts.  I also started smoking pot pretty heavily around this time.  I still dressed on occasion, but at this point I was thinking that I was a crossdresser with a male mind.

Then I found out about bigender and androgyne, and thought "Hey, I don't really LOOK male or female, and I seem to have trouble classifying, so this sounds good."

I'm stressing my consistent use of marijuana here because I didn't really think to hard about that or any of my other problems at this point in my life and I think it may have been colouring my opinion.  My GPA is a testament to that.

And now I find myself constantly thinking about how much better my life'd be if I were a girl.  Not in any escapist way, but in the sense that I'm thinking that's the way I am on the inside for whatever reason, and I've been reading some philosophy that says that you can't be a useful member of society until you express your true self.

As I'll be entering the education program soon, I feel I owe it to myself to be true with myself, but I can't do that until I find a working definition of who myself is.  I'm thinking that clarifying and acting upon my gender identity might give me some motivation in life- drive me to apply myself in school, work, social situations, emotional expression, and maybe even get me to cut back on pot to at least the level of "casual user" from "total stoner.

If anybody has any thoughts or opinions of my particular situation, I'd love to hear them.

[placeholdername]

I can definitely relate to feeling confused about gender identity.  I generally consider myself mtf at this point, but since I'm not on hormones or anything and the only level of 'outness' that I have is being on this forum, sometimes it feels like its just some weird phase that I'm going through.

In the past any time there's been situations like you described with your friend I've always been super adamant about not wanting to do it (act/dress like a girl) but at the same time I wanted to do it so badly.  I think I was afraid that if I did it that it would be so obvious that that's what I wanted and I'd get 'found out', so I just stayed away.  But now I'm thinking that if the chance comes again I'll probably do it, I just get worried about appearance and so on.

As far as advice goes, I think the best thing to do would be to find a local gender therapist and talk to them about it (which is also what I need to do).  As much as forums like this can be helpful, I think you will feel a lot more resolved about it if you talk to someone in person.

[sd]

When I first started researching my gender issues I found bi gender and androgynes and such and also felt a bond with them. It gave me time to come to terms with being female, which I think I knew all along I just wasn't ready to accept.

You may or may not be this way Jester, but the best advice I can give you is, hang out, explore the various forums, read all that you can, and just see where you end up. Since you are unsure, just hang out and see where you fit in. No one will force you to to identify where you stand.


Don't expect to figure all of this out overnight, and a therapist could speed things up, but only if you are ready. Try not to rush things and just enjoy your time here.

[Jester]

Thanks, that's all really helpful.

Though I'm kind of poor for a therapist, as well as in the closet and living with my brother.  I've always assumed the campus therapist sucked, but I'm getting a big impression that seeking help is the right thing to do.

The whole identifying with androgynes helping you determine your femininity seems to have struck a chord, but I don't think I'm ready to commit right yet.

[sd]

So don't commit.

You also may not need a therapist yet, explore your own mind for a while and see what happens. Also do not base the quality of a therapist on cost, some are over-priced, and many will tell you it is how you relate to them that is more important than anything else. Who says you have to see one often, you could do it when you can afford to, a hundred bucks every month or two is probably not impossible to scrounge up if you want this bad enough.

[RebeccaFog]

I kind of phase in and out of feeling like a woman.  Lately, for the first time in memory, I think I've been identifying as sort of male.  Not as a man, but male.

That probably makes no sense, but what does anymore?

Don't feel the need to rush into anything.  Take advantage of any good support you can get. I think it is easier to work out our identities when we can be with others like ourselves.  I mean trans people of all flavors. Not everyone has that opportunity, though.

Wherever you're going. You'll get there.