I am new to the forum but not young. My earliest memories are of wishing to be a girl. I could see that I wasn't, but I thought I would make a better girl than boy and would be happier. I was naïve enough to believe that at some point that extra stuff between my legs would fall off and I would finally be a girl. I began wearing women's clothes when I was 8 or 9.
When puberty hit, I became an avid male heterosexual. I continued to dress in private and would try to mix some women's clothes in with my men's, but I lived as a man. I married and had a daughter. My wife knew of my crossdressing before we married and was usually supportive of it. I never went outside dressed. I didn't think I could ever be convincing as a woman and so wore a mustache all my adult life and a full beard most of the time.
I came out to some close gay friends and finally to my daughter when she was an adult. I thought it would be easier to be gay, but I never met a man I was attracted to. I didn't think I was a woman trapped in a man's body. I thought I was just both male and female, and neither. I knew I was male, but I never thought of myself as a man.
I had a wonderful marriage, but then my wife got sick. She had a long and very difficult illness. She died almost two years ago. Since then I have been coming to terms with her illness and death. I thought I had finally worked through it all but still felt blocked, somehow. Less than two months ago I shaved off my mustache and beard. It was like pulling my finger from the dike.
I decided that I needed to be more open about my crossdressing. I also decided that it wasn't all that important to pass as a woman. I had grown up in an inner-city neighborhood in a large American city and so am familiar with violence. I was always afraid of it but decided I wouldn't let that rule my life. I began making plans to start telling my straight friends of my peculiarity.
I made lunch or coffee dates with each of my friends. The first I told – my best straight male friend – was a bit stunned but accepting. So far I've told 13 friends, my minister, my counselor, and my family physician. The reaction of each has ranged somewhere between supportive acceptance and enthusiastic encouragement. I've been really touched by their reactions.
My first excursion out was to a GLBT dance in a nearby town. I went alone and had a wonderful time. My first daytime excursion was with a girlfriend to get a makeover at an upscale mall 2½ hours from here. I haven't quite made it to presenting female in the small town in which I live. (On the trip to the mall, we stopped at a McDonald's for coffee. I thought everyone would stare, an alarm would go off, and the gender police would rush in to cart me off. No one even noticed me, of course.)
When I started this, I just wanted to feel free to go out to get the morning paper off the lawn while in a dress. At each step, I can see that even more is possible. I've been working with the university theater department voice coach to feminize my voice. I'm looking for places to have my facial hair removed. I go this week to talk to my doctor about hormones. Things are progressing faster than I had thought possible.
Life is good. It is beginning to look like at age 65 I may finally be able to live my dream.
- Kate
