Hi

[VioletNight]

Hi,

I've been lurking for a couple of weeks now. I suppose I should post an introduction. I never know what to say with introductions so I'm just going to type a bunch of random thoughts and see where they lead.

I have been very depressed for the majority of my life. I have been in a slow but steady decline for probably 15 years now. I have never been able to get rid of it. Over the years I have been forced to sacrifice parts of myself in able to maintain my "sanity". So far this has worked. I am fairly stable, calm, and to the unscrupulous eye semi-normal. Unfortunately this has been at the cost of friends (I have not had any friends at all for 8 years now), body (I barely eat and on the best of days I look like a hobo), ambition (I have long since lost all desire to do pretty much anything), mind (I am not nearly as sharp as I was as a kid or should be today), and emotion (I have difficulty feeling any emotion at all anymore).

I am a guy but I have memories going back to somewhere between the ages of 11 and 13 of me wanting to be a girl (maybe earlier but my memories before this time are pretty fuzzy). Thoughts about wanting to be a girl probably pass through my mind hundreds of times a day. Every now and then they will fade away, maybe even for several days or longer. I try to occupy my mind as much as possible to keep it from thinking about that and anything else that depresses me. I am not sure as to what degree (if any?) my wishing I was a girl has on my depression. I keep thinking that it is just some passing fancy that will go away, although it never does.

If I was sat down and given a choice "boy or girl", I would probably choose girl 95% of the time. While I certainly would not want to act "girly" all the time, I think I would be a lot more comfortable as a girl, both physically and mentally. That being said, at the moment I lack both the means and the mental cohesion to even address the possibility that I may some day want to consider changing my situation.

Random facts about me:
- I am 25 years old.
- I do not like the sun at all. Give me cold, cloudy and rainy.
- At random I will sit outside, purposely in the sun, quietly and peacefully taking in my surroundings.
- I contradict myself a lot.
- My favorite color is red and blue. Not red. Not blue. Not both. But red, and also blue. Established when I was 5.
- I am a night person. I hate mornings (anything before 4pm).
- I do not partake in smoking, alcohol, drugs, or sex. I have no problem with anyone else doing these as much as they please (except for smoking near me, which gives me headaches).
- I am a pessimist. At the same time, I live in a delusional bubble where I am protected from anything really bad from happening to me.
- It is virtually impossible to offend me. Sticks and stones...

If there is something I missed, feel free to ask me anything (although I cannot guarantee I will answer anything).

Bye for now.

[Genevieve Swann]

I love your user name. A passing fancy? I'm 54 and the passing fancy didn't go away for 44 years. The desire will not disappear tommorrow either.

[paulault55]

Welcome to Susan's, what you describe pretty much sums up my 54 years, i was shy introverted hardly any friends. Being 25, oh how i wish i could be your age again, you have your whole life ahead of you that can be lived as a woman if that's what you want, but you got to take the bull by the horns and do something about it as hard as it might seem at the moment. A gender therapist would be the place to start, they can help you deal with your gender issues along with helping you get out of that dark place you seem to be in from reading your post. I have been there and done that, just wish i would have done the done part sooner.

Paula.

[K8]

Welcome!  Most of what you describe is depression.  I'm not trained to diagnose, but I've been through it and you describe a lot of what it was like for me.  If you can get counseling for your depression, you might be able to summon the energy to begin dealing with your gender issues.  (Or maybe it works the other way around.  For me, I had to get my head on fairly straight before I could begin to worry about gender.)  If you can find a gender therapist that you can work with, great.  But even if you can't, you may be able to find a general counselor who is helpful.  I know, when you're depressed you can't do anything but you can't get un-depressed without doing anything - catch 22.

Good luck.  And let us know how you're doing.

Cheers,
Kate

[Janet_Girl]

Hi VioletNight,   

Welcome to our little family. Over 1900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another sister.   

Janet

[tinkerbell]

Hello VioletNight and welcome to Susan's! 

Thank you so much for introducing yourself.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site.  You might also wish to go to the Announcements section and review The Site Terms of Service and rules to live by, Post Ranks, and The Standard Terms & Definitions to help you with some knowledge about our site.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay! 

tink

[VioletNight]

Thank you all for the welcomes. Out of the numerous forums I visited, this one looked the most comfortable.

Maybe one day I will be able to muster up enough motivation to help myself instead of just talking about the possibility of considering the chance of maybe contemplating the notion of helping myself...

I like to take comfort in that my life is always in a fragile balance. It may be depressing, but it is safe and familiar. No matter how strained my bubble world gets it has never been broken. I am afraid to tempt fate.