Thanks.
Yes, I must see someone. My mother made me a choice when I was about 16, it was either the shrink or a healer, that I knew(and she beleaved in). I was very afraid of psychologists, so of course I took the healer. She put her hands on my head for a long time, and said that now I was okay.
I was just thinking what a fool, but it was the easy way out. Now I am 31, I remember clearly when I was 15 that I was thinking how this was going to be when I was 30. It is worse then I had hoped.
I did okay for a while, got through a university degree as well. But since I've loocked myself out. I applied for several jobs. It was all male dominated, so I could never bring myself to go to the interviews. My dressing has been constant, and the same as long as I can remember. But the more I look into it, the more I can see the irrationality we are living in, so I care less and less. It's not real at all.
These days I stay inside almost the whole time, just take a walk or drive to take pictures now and then, and dont have much contact with the outside world. Only in a sport(flying without engine, btw-where I excel, and people actually look up to my skills and understanding of things work in the air, the things you can not see). But even that, that is my only joy in life, I am not so motivated anymore. And that is bad, because it is very healty, since it brings excersise, fresh air. And when I am all alone up in the air, or the clouds with wild mountains around, that is the only times I truly feel alive.
So essence I feel like I dont exist, while on earth. So whatever I do it does not matter. Because it is not real, it's just a lousy joke.
I dont know, my only earliest memories is trying my mothers clothes. Almost all memories I have from 5-10 is from gender related issues. Nothing concrete, like happy moments and so on that other people seem to have.
I sent a mail to the lokals here just before the weekend, they said I could come on monday. That it was on high time I talked to someone. I've sent them mail before also.
I'm considering starting on school again to the fall, something different, and start over. The engineering stuff, does not hold much fascination for me anymore. I'm kind of tired of this male thing altogether.
So regarding the wigs and make up and so on. I guess what I try to say, is that this whole thing is a mental thing for me. I guess I dont identify with females either, because I know I can never be one. But I do think my mind is female, at least more on the female side, since I've alays thought guys are weird in the guy things. My body is more like something I drag with me. Like if in a accident if I lost my penis, it wouldn't bother me at all. I've always thought it to be a strange think, and always tried to not look at it. All the way from I was small I thought it was just something everyone had for pissing. But I am very good at ignoring things, so think I am okay. Dont mind staying isolated either.
My guess is that a sex change wouldn't change anything. I think probably I'm just ->-bleeped-<-ed up, and using this as an excuse to not interfere in the world. Instead of female I think I should have been a bird. Probably I am a bird stuck in a human body.
Am I insane?
