Hi!

[Inanna]

Hi everyone!  I'm a 20-yo junior in a small college, and I was raised and still live in a very remote... and religious... part of the deep South.  I'm MtF.

Even though I'm nearly up to 5 months on hormones now, I haven't told another soul, up till this very post.  Not friends, family, health care providers, or even online.  It's been sort of lonely journey to say the least.

As hard as it may be to believe, I wasn't exposed to any TG-related ideas till I was in college; "transgender, "hormones," "sex change" ... I'd have thought you were speaking another language.  You see, I was homeschooled with my siblings by Southern Baptist parents, and I've been attending a fundamentalist Christian college ever since.

Somewhere in my childhood, I began having vivid dreams of being a girl and having this serene, indescribable happiness, but as soon as I woke up I felt like I'd done something awfully sinful.  Contrary to my conscious commands, though, the dreams increased in occurrence, till it was multiple nights a week.  Each morning I'd wake up disappointed with myself for such "weird" thoughts, yet every night I'd find myself hoping I'd have that sort of dream again.  After a time, my dream self didn't wonder why she was female; in that place I'd always been a girl and that was all there was to it.  My waking self soon followed.

For the remainder of my teenage years I didn't mind being a boy all day as long as I could be a girl in my sleep.

...

Then about six months ago, while doing some online research for Biology, I came across the term "intersex" which piqued my curiosity.  Within a few minutes I had branched off into a whole plethora of transgender topics and personal stories.  A whole world I'd never considered opened wide to me.  I really don't think I'd been as exhilarated in my whole life.  I went straight to growing my hair long, ordering hormones online, getting laser hair removal, and practicing my voice.

...

That brings us to now.  Prior to hormones, my face was fairly androgynous (I grew a goatee to look more manly) and I'm 5'7''/130lb, so I'm starting to have trouble hiding the effects.  As for breast development, heavy shirts alone aren't doing the trick anymore.

The future terrifies me.  My fundy college doesn't admit openly gay/lesbian/trans students.  I have so many friends and teachers there that I love dearly.  The same goes for my family even more.  I couldn't have asked for better parents or sisters... we're all very close.  If I come out, that likely will all be gone in the blink of an eye.

Far from it all being gloom and doom, though, I don't have too much room to complain. My life has been a walk in the park compared to many others.  Just the thought of living my entire adult life as female, starting my career as female, and who knows, maybe adopting children one day and being called "mom"... it feels like I'll have to wake up any moment.

Anyways, sorry for rambling, I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to finally open up to other people.  I truly appreciate the existence of a site like this and those that share your experiences with others.  This is a wonderful community.
Thanks!

[Cindy]

Hi Ianna
Welcome. You have gone a long way alone. Congratulations. Is it possible for you to see a therapist. You will need support. We will all try to help but a professional therapist will also be needed. Particularly when you want SRS.
I have no religon so I don't know about fundamental anythings. I do know that they may be bigoted against people who they decide are not as them. I'm sure there are as many TG. lesbian and Homosexulas in their religon as anywhere. We were born that way, and if you believe in God(s) it was responsible so it loves you as much as anyothere thing it created. I'm not sure how that arguement will go with your family but they are going to find out soo. As are people at college. Take care I'm sure their will be lots of advice. Mine is limited as I'm also in the South, but in my case it's South Australia and although this is a tolerant society with laws against discrimination against GLTG it still happens. Don't want to frighten you but there are some wierd people out there, and it isn't you.

Love and Hugs

Keep in contact and post and read.

Cindy James

[cindybc]

Hi Janna hon, welcome to Susan's
To be honest with you probably the biggest hurdle you are going to have to jump will be family. Usually have better results with friends being supportive.

Secondly I would strongly suggests you get a gender therapist, you will need the support and you will also need a therapist to arrange for you to get on prescribed HRT. Unsupervised prescription for HRT could increase the risk of blood clots, especially in the lungs, and other health related problems.

There are many others here who have walked the same path as you plese feel free to ask what ever questions you may have.

Cindy

[Inanna]

Hi Ianna
Welcome. You have gone a long way alone. Congratulations. Is it possible for you to see a therapist. You will need support. We will all try to help but a professional therapist will also be needed. Particularly when you want SRS.

Hi, Cindy!

Is the main reason to see a therapist to have access to SRS?  I've been transitioning for 6 months now without one, and getting along fairly well.  I don't feel I have any emotional or psychological issues that would warrant seeking professional help.

I have no religon so I don't know about fundamental anythings. I do know that they may be bigoted against people who they decide are not as them. I'm sure there are as many TG. lesbian and Homosexulas in their religon as anywhere. We were born that way, and if you believe in God(s) it was responsible so it loves you as much as anyothere thing it created. I'm not sure how that arguement will go with your family but they are going to find out soo. As are people at college. Take care I'm sure their will be lots of advice. Mine is limited as I'm also in the South, but in my case it's South Australia and although this is a tolerant society with laws against discrimination against GLTG it still happens. Don't want to frighten you but there are some wierd people out there, and it isn't you.

Love and Hugs

Keep in contact and post and read.

Cindy James

I'm certainly not as involved with religion as the rest of my family these days.  I still attend church with them and other such activities, if only because it's just something our family has always done together and I know it makes them happy.

[Kimberly]

I don't feel I have any emotional or psychological issues that would warrant seeking professional help.

The key words to remember are that you are aware of; I felt the same, but my crafty therapist pointed out that by necessity I had been lying to myself. That caused a wee bit of an internal ruckus and I am not sure I've found the bottom of this rabbit hole yet. (Not because I was overly wrong about things, but because of things I did know and payed no attention to but meh, I prattle on.)

Anyway, chatting with a qualified and well versed gender therapist might well be beneficial. A second opinion on things is, after all, oft a good idea.

Luck

[K8]

Hi Inanna.  As the others said, it is very helpful to be able to talk to someone.  A good therapist or counselor has the training to be able to pick out the important things you say and point out when you are lying to yourself.  It is also wonderfully liberating to have a friend you can talk to about all this.  If you are in a fundamentalist college, an understanding friend may be a little hard to find.  Maybe there is a TG/TS support group in another town?  You know your own situation far better than I do, but I would think you would want to keep all this from your family for now.

Self-prescribing hormones can be dangerous.  You sound like a wonderful young woman, and you want to stay healthy enough to make it to that day when a child will call you Mom.

-Kate

[FairyGirl]

hi sweetie  I was also raised in a Southern Baptist fundamentalist atmosphere so I can relate to where you're coming from. Kate is right about the hormones though. A therapist can refer you to a good doctor/endocrinologist which in itself is a good reason to seek therapy. I love what you said about the dreams- and it's wonderful you are making your dreams come true.   

[paulault55]

Hi Inanna and welcome, as others have said a therapist is a really good person to see, patient confidentality applies so you can be open about how you feel. Self medicating is dangerous, i self medicated 7 months before seeing a therapist and now i have an Endo that monitors my blood levels, lucky i did no harm. Your doctors need to know about it so they can treat you properly. If you want srs/grs in the future a therapist is a must in order to get the letters.

You say that you have been on hormones 5 months, you are at the point where changes start to become noticable even if you don't see them, i got asked did you get a haircut, lose weight or did you get a new shirt, they see something but don't know what it is, so if your family has not seen you recently they are going to notice something different, so coming out to them might be a good idea. You do have to face the possibality that you may lose family, friends etc. I have been lucky so far in that i have been accepted.

Paula.

[cindybc]

Hi Janna, here is a story from my blog about dreams. You are welcome to look through my blog if you wish I have other weird stories on dreams and visions you may find interesting in there.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,44860.0.html

Cindy

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Ianna,   

Welcome to our little family. Over 2100 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another sister.   

Unless you are want to go to that particular college, I would suggest switching to a more tolerant school, or even on line.

Janet

[Ms.Behavin]

Welcome to Susans.  I'm from the deep south too, Savannah to be exact, though now on the left coast.  Oddly enough, my aunts who are VERY southern Baptist, still talk to me,  In their words I'm still family, which is all I can ask from them. So it may not be all doom and gloom.

Take care

Beni