Is it my imagination?

[K8]

I just started hormones four days ago (E & P).  I know it is WAY to early to see any changes and thought it was too early to feel any changes.  But after having that extra stuff between my legs ever since puberty assert itself as if it had a mind of its own, I now find that it seems to be more like an unpleasant but dormant flap of skin.  I find the difference amazing, distinct, and very welcome.  It seems to be a physical change rather than one of outlook.  Or is this just another phase?   

[FairyGirl]

I think it's normal, a result of finally blocking all that T. Same thing happened to me. One month on and it's still the same. I was just about to start another thread about changing sexuality with HRT- it's a part of the process I think, and like you I find it a welcome change. 

[heatherrose]

Congrats on the start of your HRT.
I don't believe it is to early for you to see
or feel any changes. We are all
individuals with different physiological and
emotional make ups and HRT effects us
all differently. For me the most profound
change that I have experienced, from being
on HRT since 10/29/09, has been a
change in my thought processes resulting in
a calming of my Irish temper.

Are you keeping a journal?
If you are, you'll find it interesting in six months
to read how differently you thought at the start.
Good luck and many blessings on your journey.

[sd]

Psychological changes can happen as soon as it starts hitting the bloodstream I think.
In some cases sooner since it is mental in some aspects.
Changing how you think about things down there will have an immediate effect on how things down there act.

A change in orientation is probably NOT linked to hormones, but you finally allowing your true sexuality to come forward. You may need hormones to allow that to happen or you can have it happen just by allowing you to be yourself. Mine started shifting once I opened up, pre-everything.

[K8]

Thanks for your kind words.  I've been a bit weepy since I started opening up and have noticed a change in how I behave, all before I started the hormones.  Part of it is being open with others and part of it is being more fully open with myself.

Are you keeping a journal?
If you are, you'll find it interesting in six months
to read how differently you thought at the start.

Yes, I've been keeping a journal.  In addtion, the day I started hormones I took four full-length pictures of myself without clothes - front, back, and each profile.  My plan is to take another set each monthly anniversary.

A change in orientation is probably NOT linked to hormones, but you finally allowing your true sexuality to come forward. You may need hormones to allow that to happen or you can have it happen just by allowing you to be yourself. Mine started shifting once I opened up, pre-everything.

I've always been heterosexual, through no effort on my part.  Even before I started the hormones I could start to see the appeal of being hetero as a female.  Right now I'm pretty asexual, and I've never run across a man I am attracted to, but who knows?  It's made me wonder how ingrained is one's sexual orientation, to perhaps go from a hetero male to a hetero female.  I've always thought that orientation, sex, and gender are not related to each other.  But it will be interesting (and unexpected) to become a hetero female.  But I am very early in this wonderful process.

A little weepy,
Kate

[FairyGirl]

A little weepy,
Kate

[heatherrose]

A little weepy,Kate

[sd]

I've always been heterosexual, through no effort on my part.  Even before I started the hormones I could start to see the appeal of being hetero as a female.  Right now I'm pretty asexual, and I've never run across a man I am attracted to, but who knows?  It's made me wonder how ingrained is one's sexual orientation, to perhaps go from a hetero male to a hetero female.  I've always thought that orientation, sex, and gender are not related to each other.  But it will be interesting (and unexpected) to become a hetero female.  But I am very early in this wonderful process.

A little weepy,
Kate

I was the same, then I started letting myself be myself and suddenly I wasn't opposed to guys, then I started noticing them. Not much, but it happens. Dreams have changed too, as well as fantasies.

Sex and gender are not connected, but as you see yourself more and more female you may be allowing yourself to consider the possibility of being with a guy, something you never would allow yourself to consider before. Guy on guy is just not interesting to me, so maybe that was part of it, same for you. Some of us need femininity in sex, be it from you or another person, as in you could be with a guy if a girl was also involved.

Tests (questionable because of who did them) have also shows that woman's sexuality is more fluid than a man's but keep in mind that there is very little scientific research on any of this stuff, especially for transsexuals. You just kind of have to learn as you go.

Try not to stress over it, we stress enough over gender.

Oh and cry if you need to, it's healthy for you.

[Ashley315]

psychological changes can occur as soon as you have the prescription in hand in my opinion.   Placebo effect, but still real non the less.  It's sorta like a "sigh of relief" of finally doing something about what you have been feeling all your life.

[Janet_Girl]

All medications have a placebo effect.  You expect it to work, don't you. And all medications will begin to effect the body once ingested.  Hormones need to gradually built up in the body and begin to show desired results.  But even if it is just the Placebo Effect, who cares.  It is a welcome relief.

And I also noticed that my orientation did not change.  I was straight then and I am straight now.  But I also won't say I could not be attracted to another woman.  Binary attraction is so overrated.    But I do find that I am more attracted to men now.

Ah the freedom of Estrogen.  Even my dreams are more vivid, more feminine.  Which is a relief!  And fantasies are OMG.  Always female, which I am, and always with a man. 

Janet

[FairyGirl]

psychological changes can occur as soon as you have the prescription in hand in my opinion.   Placebo effect, but still real non the less.  It's sorta like a "sigh of relief" of finally doing something about what you have been feeling all your life.

Yes that is soooo true! I think I started getting better as soon as I had made my first therapist appointment. Making that first step made all the difference- to go back would be unthinkable; I'd rather die. And once you start seeing and feeling your body changing to match your true gender, it has to be the most awesome feeling in the world.

For me, HRT has brought about a significant change in my sexual response as well. I'm not talking about sexual orientation, I mean now it is much more emotional, mental, and unrushed, whereas before HRT it was more physical, visual, and urgent. It was an effect of HRT that had not occurred to me. Now I get turned on at the thought of simply cuddling and making sweet talk with my honey. When you're saddled with the testosterone-driven male sex drive of a rogue bull elephant in rut, you mostly can't even think of that stuff. 

It's been amazing to me what hormones can accomplish, and the psychological aspects have been much more positive than not.

[Ashley315]

Yes that is soooo true! I think I started getting better as soon as I had made my first therapist appointment. Making that first step made all the difference- to go back would be unthinkable; I'd rather die. And once you start seeing and feeling your body changing to match your true gender, it has to be the most awesome feeling in the world.

For me, HRT has brought about a significant change in my sexual response as well. I'm not talking about sexual orientation, I mean now it is much more emotional, mental, and unrushed, whereas before HRT it was more physical, visual, and urgent. It was an effect of HRT that had not occurred to me. Now I get turned on at the thought of simply cuddling and making sweet talk with my honey. When you're saddled with the testosterone-driven male sex drive of a rogue bull elephant in rut, you mostly can't even think of that stuff. 

It's been amazing to me what hormones can accomplish, and the psychological aspects have been much more positive than not.

I could not agree more about how sex and how I feel about it has changed.  Arousal is something I now feel all over my body instead of just one place.  It's amazing.

[imaz]

I could not agree more about how sex and how I feel about it has changed.  Arousal is something I now feel all over my body instead of just one place.  It's amazing.

Same experience here, I've been on HRT for more than 17 years now and it's remained the same throughout.

What's really strange is that if I come off estrogen for a couple of weeks my libido completely disappears and if I up the dose it goes through the roof. Kind of disproves the theory of testosterone driven libido.

Never changed my sexual orientation in the slightest however.

[Ashley315]

when I'm taking my progesterone it makes me... uh.... yeah.... 

[heatherrose]

I have always been bi-sexual to varying degrees throughout my life.
Romance and sex to me are two seperate notions. Sex quenches
a desire and romance fills a void. Prior to transition and way before HRT,
(I transitioned 2 years and 8 months before I started HRT)
my sexual fantasies involved both men and women, sometimes
seperately, sometimes together. My romantic fantasies exclusively
involved women. I had fallen in love with a few men but it was someting
that always happened out of the mist and not something that I sought out.
The idea of being in love with a man actually turned me off ,unless
I found myself unexpectedly in the middle of it. The objects of my affection
never knew of my desire for spiritual intimacy with them. After I transitioned,
I found myself more and more entertaining the idea of being involved
romanticly with a man, though this might have stemed from men being
attracted to me, as a woman, and the resulting trists causing me to wonder
what it would be like to go beyond the mere physical.
Standing six months into HRT and looking inward I find men occupy
definate strongholds in my realms of romantic possibility but they are still a distant
second to women in my consideration of the long term. These musings
are rather mute points for as I stand with my ear pressed to the door of my
romantic realms, listening for the footsteps of approaching love,
all I can hear, as I strain to listen,
is the deafening sound of......

SILENCE

[K8]

psychological changes can occur as soon as you have the prescription in hand in my opinion.   Placebo effect, but still real non the less.  It's sorta like a "sigh of relief" of finally doing something about what you have been feeling all your life.

The day of getting the prescription and going to the pharmacy was a huge high.  I went home with the medicaitons, sat in my chair, medications in hand, and hugged myself for an hour.  I couldn't believe it. 

The emotional changes occured before I even took the meds.  Actually, the emotional changes really started when I began telling my friends, opening up.

Yes that is soooo true! I think I started getting better as soon as I had made my first therapist appointment. Making that first step made all the difference- to go back would be unthinkable; I'd rather die.

I've always been careful of my body, and it has worked pretty well.  I was reluctant to take hormones because I didn't want to screw up a well-functioning body.  I don't even like taking aspirin.  But now I think that even if all this kills me somehow, it will be worth it.  I have to at least try to be Katherine.

For me, HRT has brought about a significant change in my sexual response as well. I'm not talking about sexual orientation, I mean now it is much more emotional, mental, and unrushed, whereas before HRT it was more physical, visual, and urgent. It was an effect of HRT that had not occurred to me. Now I get turned on at the thought of simply cuddling and making sweet talk with my honey. When you're saddled with the testosterone-driven male sex drive of a rogue bull elephant in rut, you mostly can't even think of that stuff. 

I'm still very early in this (less than a week on hormones) but can already notice some changes.  Whether they are psychological or physical, who cares?, but for now I am pretty much asexual.  I'd like the physical touch, the cuddling, the attention.  But the old rutting urge is thankfully blissfully gratefully gone.

Romance and sex to me are two seperate notions. Sex quenches
a desire and romance fills a void.

Yes.  And both can be nice in their own ways.  For now, I'd rather have the romance. 

- Kate

[heatherrose]

That was riveting!  So many highs and lows... Call me crazy but the tone poem Also sprach Zarathustra, Op. 30 by Richard Strauss came to mind while reading this.  From such high's to such low's you have in one post traversed such diverse territory: From the self-reflective, to the clinically practical; from the imaginative, philosophical and speculative to the exclusively physical and analytic; from the soulful, hopeful and romantic to the doubtful and despairing!  Such complexity!  Such angst and yearning!  Excuse me for being so effusive, perhaps I am overly so...  But I really connected with your sentiment.  After all that you have said, to end it as you did, is how Strauss ended the above named musical composition in the final score, which contrasts all of the sound and fury expressed in the preceding sections. There is reflected in that final section, Nachtwandlerlied (Song of the Night Wanderer), the same ambiguity.  Perhaps life has meaning only in the struggle, as if there is an ongoing battle that goes on simultaneously on all levels, from the sublime to the ridiculous, from the personal to the societal, the quantum to the cosmic; an ongoing conflict between day and night, good and evil, happiness and despair, love and apathy.  How will it resolve for you?  Which side will prevail?  What is the more fitting note: the sweet sweet highs of the violin, or the deep deep lows of the bass fiddle?

As you have requested...You are Crazy.
Now that, that is out of the way...

I welcome you to Susans.

Thank-you for the articulate and educated critique of my work.
I feel that you realized the very sentiments I was seeking to convey.
I have only recently found my release in writing.
May I invite you to read some of the other things that
I have written on this site, in my posts and in my blog?
I look forward to reading some more of
your thoughts of your own journey.
Once again, Welcome.

[K8]

Perhaps life has meaning only in the struggle, as if there is an ongoing battle that goes on simultaneously on all levels, from the sublime to the ridiculous, from the personal to the societal, the quantum to the cosmic; an ongoing conflict between day and night, good and evil, happiness and despair, love and apathy.

Isn't this what gives us definition?  Often, depictions of heaven in literature and film - where all is provided and we have no cares - are actually depictions of evil.  Many cultures, not just western capitalism, urge us to become who we can be, to fulfill our potential.  And isn't that what most of us are doing on this site?

It's not that you can "find" him or her by looking. It's more like, all one can do is prepare one's life by doing what only you know needs to be done, in order to favor such a coming together from whereabouts unknown, by forces currently outside of the realm of scientific understanding.

Well said.  I've noticed through my own life that I never found love by looking but by being in a good position to receive it and to recognize it when it came.  And I don't think it applies only to love.  We need to tend to our selves, to prepare ourselves.  An ancient eastern (Chinese?) saying: When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.  I've found that to be true in many ways. 

Opportunities present themselves to us, but we need to be in a position to recognize them as opportunities and to be able to act on them.  That is why I don't think we should be too hard on ourselves for opportunities missed.  Perhaps we were not ready for those.  Prepare yourself for the new ones that will come along.

I wonder if hormone replacement isn't a vital step in this context.  If so, then the actual day-to-day feelings one experiences may or may not seem pleasant, overwhelming or neutral but the more important thing would be that you're moving in the right direction, regardless. For if in fact such treatments correct a basic conflict or inconsistency between ones body and mind, to thus resolve that disturbance and restore proper balance.

And balance is the goal, is it not?

- Kate