Hello All!

[amberinky]

Hello all,

I'm Amber (my "legal" name is Daniel, but I prefer Amber, it just feels right if that makes sense), age 20, and I'm a bisexual male-female transsexual from Kentucky. I am just beginning my quest to find the real me, but I've known for quite some time that my body isn't what my mind says it is. I used to cry myself to sleep when I was younger wishing I would wake up a girl. The thought has been on my mind for years. I didn't understand it at all. I felt abnormal, like a complete freak or alien from outer space. Until I saw a show on TLC with my parents on transsexualism when I was about 11. Something just clicked inside me, I had always been a bright child, I explained to my second grade teacher what a myocardial infarction is while she stood there trying to comprehend what I was saying. However, the comments of my parents about the person just being "gay" enticed me to keep my mouth shut and try to be "normal", because, dontcha know, gay isn't good *sarcasm* as my parents always say.

For that reason, I have been somewhat of a social recluse my whole life, staying depressed, not being able to gain weight, irregular sleep patterns, etc. That is, until, my ex girlfriend (who is still a really good friend) introduced me to a friend of hers who is also m2f. I was able to casually ask questions and get some information. I finally came out to her, who was very supportive. She helped me come out to my ex, who, surprisingly, was also very supportive. I have since came out to my best friend (who came out to me as being gay, we now are closer than ever due to having similar issues with coming out) and my business partner who was indifferent. I have yet to tell my parents however, because 1. I still live with them (due to a heart condition I lost my apartment and I'm trying to get caught up on my hospital bills now while I have "free rent and food" until I finish my house) and they are extremely homophobic/old fashioned and 2. I do not have the guts to do so, the mere thought of it and you would think I have ingested activated charcoal. I have, however, told my family doctor who has been immensely helpful, she did not log anything I have told her on my charts and she provides me medication to help my anxiety/depression as well as providing emotional support. However, she has never had a case like mine and does not know what to tell me to do or who I need to see. I live in a small town, and there is a plus to that - you will be the talk of the town for a while, but soon there will be a new talk of the town and you will be history. I have begun to grow out my hair (under the guise of hiding my receding hairline, I'm hoping it will hold out long enough for me to get my place built) and I "took my ex" clothes shopping (we wear the same size), which she conveniently forgot here at my house. I had a few acres given to me by a family friend, on which I am building a house and raising an organic garden (about a 3 or 4 acre garden, aka a lot of hard tedious work). The ETA on the house completion is 30 days excluding final inspections, so I hope I will be under my own roof here very shortly, but I'm still at a loss as to what the next step is. All the information I have is based upon what Danielle, my m2f friend my ex introduced me to, has told me. And, she is unsure on a lot of topics as well, so I found this board while looking at information and it seems like a very friendly place to be  .

I'm a certified and licensed EMT-B (but not currently practicing due to said heart problem), so I'm not completely ignorant when it comes to the medical field, but some of this stuff is wayyyy over my head and I will be reading as much as I can here on the forums to try to figure out what I can on my own, but it all just seems so overwhelming. And, I probably picked a bad day to post this, I've been up all night worrying about an appointment with my surgeon today to see about removing a cyst (I can start an IV and give injections as long as it's on somebody else, but when they come at me with so much as a lancet to check my blood sugar, I plum near pass out, lol, and consultations usually involve some type of bloodwork *shudders*) so this message probably makes no sense, so please just let me know so I can bang my head on the desk for confusing the heck outta ya'll  .

Thanks all!
Amber

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Amber,   

Welcome to our little family. Over 2100 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another sister.   

Janet

[paulault55]

Hi Amber and welcome to Susan's, you are lucky your ex and best friend are so understanding. I'm a bit older 57 but your story was like mine growing up. Parents are hard for us to tell this about because you don't know what type of reaction you will get. I suggest you try to find a gender therapist, Susan's home page under medical has a listing of therapists around the country, and work with them on dealing with any issues you may have.

HUGS!

Paula.

[V M]

Hi Amber

You'll find many friends here that will offer info and support. So jump on in 
When I came out to my X-GF. She gave me a bunch of make up and clothes. Even showed me how to wax unwanted hair before she left.
She was a bit dismayed, but was actually very helpful 

[Cindy]

Hi Amber
As Janet has said your now family. Lots of support here. I recognise your problems. Work through them carefully.

LoL
Cindy James

[amberinky]

Thank you for the warm welcome! I feel like I have chosen the right place, it feels like home already. Unfortunately, I received news yesterday that I was kinda hoping to avoid. I have surgery the 21st to remove a pilonidal cyst, oh fun, lol. But, at least no bloodwork till next week *yays*!

Janet: I appreciate it. I never knew how great it felt to have somewhere you can be yourself 100% of the time. I'm already filled with warm n' fuzzies xD. And between my family and this family, I have no idea how I'm going to handle Christmas cards (average attendance at the family reunions on mom side is 400-ish, we have to reserve a whole park to fit them all in. I just hope the cooking is just as good here  ).

Paula: I am extremely lucky. My ex is bi (I was the person she came out to almost two years ago) and I supported her through it and reassured her even after we broke up. She said it was the least she could do to return the favor, although I was halfway expecting her to freak out over it. And I wouldn't trade my best friend for nothing. He has stood by me through thick and thin, if I ever need anything all I have to do is call, and he can do the same with me (and we have taken each other up on that offer several times, lol, there is nothing like waking up at 12am to go take your best friend some food). Thanks for the info on the therapist, my family doctor had no idea. I will call sometime today and make an appointment with one of the people listed. Is there any particular way of choosing, or should I just draw a name out of a hat? I know it should be  a  little more technical than that, however, both have no reviews, so is there anything to watch out for when choosing a therapist?

Virginia: My ex already wants one of my dresses for her sisters wedding, lol, so just give it time until we are swapping clothes back and forth, lol. I actually met her when I was a firefighter, she set her school on fire trying to smoke in the bathroom, so I guess in a way she gave me a pretty painful lesson in hair removal that day LOL. But she has since made up for it, and is currently helping me with my little questions and issues that pop up every now and then. I honestly don't know what I would do without her or Jordan, they are my lifelines.

Cindy: Thank you for your kind words. Ya'll honest don't know how much they mean to me. And I tend to have an engineers mindset when working out problems, so I tend to usually over think them and take wayyyy too long to fix em, but I occasionally make the right choice .

Again, thanks all!
Amber

[paulault55]

Amber as far as calling the therapists you want to ask them how long they have been working with transgendered people, other than that you may have to have a session or two to see if the two of you click as far as being comfortable, if not try the other therapist. You will be working with whoever you choose for a while and if you come to realize you are transsexual a therapist will be needed in order to get the necessary letters for hormones and GRS.

HUGS

Paula.

[amberinky]

Paula,

I just got back from a doctors appointment, and she has done some research for me. She found a Doctor Messer who is a therapist who is just 30 miles from here, vs the 50 to Lexington, so things are looking up.

Thanks all!

Amber
PS: Sorry for the edit, forgot to add something, the dang tornado siren is getting to me, lol

[K8]

Welcome, Amber.  I'm glad you have such good friends and are working toward getting a therapist.  It is so important to be able to talk to others.  After many years of trying to keep it to myself I finally decided to just be open about my gender issues, working toward the time when I could just assume everyone knows I'm not really a man even though I have (so far) a man's body.  This openness has made a huge difference.

I used to cry myself to sleep when I was younger wishing I would wake up a girl. The thought has been on my mind for years. I didn't understand it at all. I felt abnormal, like a complete freak or alien from outer space.

I sure can identify with that.  Fortunately now most people know there are transsexuals.  It gives each of us a lot of freedom to try to become the person we are comfortable being.

Good luck to you.  Let us know how the therapist works for you.   

- Kate