When I woke up in the recovery room I was in virtually no pain. My main concern was to let my fiance know I was okay so I got a nurse and told her to send the message I was "alive and kickin". I knew that would tell her I was just fine.
When I got to the room she was there waiting and gave me a big hug and kiss. We talked and talked. The nurses kept coming in asking if I needed any pain medication but I said no. It wasn't until sometime in the evening I accepted their offer. A shot of demerol in the arm was administered. In about ten minutes I was vomiting. The next dose was oral. Again I vomited. So they gave me something different.
Pain wasn't a problem at all except when sitting. That was my nemesis. I didn't sit for several days, even after I was released to the residence. I did several rounds walking the day after surgery no problem. This was a breeze compared to FFS. The day I was released from the hospital my fiance and I went for a short walk. We ran into Dr. Brassard and he said, "Did I forget to operate on you the other day?' He then told me to remember I just had major surgery and to take it easy.
Sleep was fleeting. I never slept for more than a few hours. I noticed when I was regular with the pain meds I slept longer. I didn't take any sleeping pills. The ones they have are awful!
My taste buds don't agree with the menu there and I was losing weight. The same happened the last time I was there when I dropped ten pounds. I equaled that again. But I never felt lethargic. I did notice if I walked too long or especially if I sat too long I would have to lie down. I never slept much during the day.
The first several days after surgery I avoided looking down at the carnage. I knew what one looked like after two weeks so seeing one after only a few days was not top on my list. The first time I saw my new equipment with a mirror was about the fifth day after surgery, the day they take off the dressing. I was right. It looked pretty bad.
While the stint was in there was a certain type of discomfort. Once the stint came out it was replaced with another type. In some ways it seemed the latter was worse.
Dilation is a pain, not just physical but an inconvenience too. It disrupts normal life completely. Your life comes to a halt and dilation takes over front and center. The first one was pretty easy but I had just had the stint removed and things hadn't started closing up yet. The old method had us starting at "0" and working up to "2". And you'd do this five times a day. Now they start you at "1" for five minutes then go to "2" for fifteen minutes, four times a day. You still get all five dilators from "0" to "5" but I'm guessing "0" only comes into play when you've gone too long without dilating.
I was healing pretty fast. The swelling was diminishing and the skin color was returning. Brassard is doing a study where he inserts drains in some of his patients to reduce swelling. I didn't get that but I wish I had. From my experience with FFS I believe it would have made a big difference in keeping the swelling and bruising down.
By Monday, a week after surgery, the new "equipment" was beginning to look pretty genuine. I could look at it now and I was amazed how genuine it was looking. I'm no OB/GYN but I outside the incision lines and swelling, it looked completely natural, as if it was always there.
On the emotional side I was surprised to find how this surgery had affected me. I had previously seen it as something that would help me integrate socially more easily and cause me to be less self conscious but it turned out to be much more than that. The night before we left I laid in bed next to my sweetie and we talked. At one point she said, "You're going home now." The words started a wave of feelings that came over me as I realized the war was really over.
I lay there looking at the ceiling and a lifetime of fighting passed before my eyes. And I realized I would never again have to fight that battle. The war was over and I was going home. I had been away so long that tears welled up in my eyes as I realized that I was really going home and would never have to fight again. The exhaustion of a lifetime of fighting overcame me and I was unable to move but I didn't want to. And for the first time in my life I knew what it was like to live in peace.
As I lay there staring at the ceiling I realized I felt no pain, none whatsoever. I wondered if this is what Zen monks or those who get into a deep meditative state feel. I didn't know. All I knew was I felt no pain at all. I had never known an experience like this. I enjoyed this for almost an hour. Maybe that's the feeling one gets when war ends.
A few years ago I wrote a story called A Soldier Resigns. Now I had completed the book and never again would I have to go back into battle. I was surprised the surgery caused such a powerful reaction. And all along I thought this was just a social thing. Silly me. One never knows until one has the experience.
When I got home I was feeling fine with the exception of the baseball stuck between my legs. But I did two loads of laundry and packed the suitcases away the day after our arrival. The next day I was pretty beat but the following day I hung some blinds and did some more laundry. I still wasn't sleeping much during the day but that all hit me yesterday. I probably got in 15 hours of sleep.
Dilation still owns me. I have to keep reminding myself it's only temporary. Things down there are pretty numb. Going potty is messy still and the sitz bath and I have become good friends. Today will be the first time I've been out of the house since returning home and I'm chomping at the bit to get out. We'll be doing a bit of 'necessity' shopping (I need to buy stock in Kotex!) then we'll make a quick stop at the home center and pick up something we ordered and a handheld shower head. That's almost a must for keeping things fresh 'down there'.
Two weeks ago today, at this moment, I was in the middle of GRS. It seems like light years away. I'm pretty confident the rapid healing will continue and I know life will be so much better now that I've done what I was told so often was selfish. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself if you are ever going to be able to be a positive factor in the lives you touch.
Julie
