Teenaged (or not) siblings and kids

[Gracie Faise]

My little doesn't use my real name or correct pronouns. My theory on his original disapproval of me I think comes from my father's original disgust for my transition. He was very upset by it, and my little brother, who really looks up to my father, fed off that energy and mixed that with his 15 year old raging hormones and just took it to a whole new level.

The thing is, is that even since my father came back from the hospital, he has been using my real name and correct pronouns. I'm extremely happy about that, but my little brother hasn't even tried to use them. So I think it's grown deeper into him. Just this morning he was on the phone and I was hearing him still refer to me as his brother~

I don't know if my parents will ever stick up for me and correct him or talk to him. I imagine my mother has been talking to him in the car whenever she's driving him to or from somewhere as she has often with me when I was his age.


Anyway, I was wondering if anyone else has experience with dealing with teenaged siblings or their teenaged kids, or just dealing with siblings or their kids of any age.

[sneakersjay]

Have you tried talking to him about it now?

I have a 10 yr old son and a 14 yr old daughter, and they're on board with pronouns, though they still call me Mom.  Doesn't bother me as much now that I can grow facial hair!  LOL


Jay

[Gracie Faise]

Have you tried talking to him about it now?

I have a 10 yr old son and a 14 yr old daughter, and they're on board with pronouns, though they still call me Mom.  Doesn't bother me as much now that I can grow facial hair!  LOL


Jay

My little brother is very stubborn and headstrong, nor does he like admitting he was wrong. So me confronting him would either do nothing or even regress him further out of spite.

[Mr. Fox]

Maybe rather than "confronting" him and making demands, you could try to arouse sympathy in him.  I don't know your brother, so I don't know if that would work, but most people are willing to change their behavior if they realize it is hurting someone.

[Gracie Faise]

Maybe rather than "confronting" him and making demands, you could try to arouse sympathy in him.  I don't know your brother, so I don't know if that would work, but most people are willing to change their behavior if they realize it is hurting someone.

That's what I've done when I've confronted him about other things. I've never been demanding or forceful about anything in my transition with my family, I definitely wouldn't do it to my little brother.

[sneakersjay]

Well, if you can't talk to him and your parents can't, he's going to be the one who looks moronic calling you his brother.  You're obviously a very pretty girl!  I'd see if you can recruit your parents.  I know I wouldn't let it slide with my kids.


Jay

[Nicky]

I think teens will often struggle with this. They are at an age where they are trying to find there place in the world as a man or a woman and are very concious of gendered space and not breaking the gender rules.

Perhaps he misses the brother he used to look up to and idolise, perhaps you have ended up unintentionally hogging all the attention from your parents, perhaps he gets a lot of crap at school becuase of you. Whatever it is he sounds like he is struggling to deal with things. I would approach it by saying to him that it must be hard on him you transitioning, that you would like a better relationship with him and you will always stand up for him and be there if he needs anything. Bring into it stuff you used to like together if there is anything - e.g. remember the time we smashed the window blah blah. Get him remembering the good things about being your brother. Perhaps you could also try doing something nice for him totally at random.

Dunno if this will work, just an idea. If you can empathise with him I think things will go smoother.

[Aiden]

I have a sister, but my situation is different in that my sister and most of family are in other states.  I know they still call me my legal name and daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter.  But not sure how I can encourage them to try and change or expect them to get used to it when they hardly see me.  It was frustrating visiting them of course, but there has been some hint that givin time they would be willing to try and correct the name and pronouns.

[mickie88]

people at work and Brittiney (when she's not dealing with her problems) are the only ones who refer to me properly, so since i know they say they can't but it's more than likely won't refer to me as she, i just do my damnedest not to go visit them because they just seriously don't bother even trying to correct themselves and they all know. i don't go to family functions that include exteneded family cause i know exactly what's going to happen and she doesn't feel right correcting anyone, which makes me feel totally unsupported when it comes to pronouns. everybody has their way of dealing with this, i just don't like yelling and fighting, i do enuff of that when it comes to my children. i'm glad your dad is finally on board. you're a very very attractive girl, anyone to believe you are his brother after meeting you is clearly an idiot. i only hope to look as good as you, but i'm sure i'm starting much later than you did. 

[Carolyn]

My little brother is 14 and the same way, I only real advice I can give you is this: it's something he has to work though, you can't force him to change he has to be willing, trust me I've tried to force some kind of change doesn't work.

[Jaimey]

If talking to him doesn't work, you can always try ignoring him.  It's harsh, but if you don't answer when he calls you by your old name, he may realize that you'll only answer your real name.  You might have to give him hints after a while, but he should get the point.  My little brother is 14 and I've found that going head to head with him doesn't work.  Ever. 

[Terra]

That's what I've done when I've confronted him about other things. I've never been demanding or forceful about anything in my transition with my family, I definitely wouldn't do it to my little brother.

Just be careful about any confrontation at all right now. My little brother was 17 when we had a confrontation that went sour. By sour I mean his hands on my throat. At your brother's age testosterone is kicking in high gear. Mix in school peer presser and uncertain self image and you got a volatile package.

My advice would be to let him work it out on his own until if/when he comes to you to talk. Maybe not the whole silent treatment, just refuse to acknowledge any thing such as incorrect name or pronoun use. Just don't acknowledge him at all until he gets it right when talking to you.

[Venus]

If I were the brother I would try to join a group (like this one only) with other teens who have a family member who is or has switched/transitioned.  Honestly the best chance you have of him calling you she is if someone he respects who is the same age as him tells him "I didn't like doing it at first I called my brother my brother ever chance I could get but now I call her my sister out of respect because I realized that she would do it for me if I asked her to."  If an adult told him this it would not give out the same effect.  He needs to hear it from someone who is in his situation and who is under 16 years old.

For me personally I don't see the big deal about switching pronouns, I know it takes the average person about 9 months to stop having slip ups but honestly I believe switching pronouns is easier than quitting smoking, if people are having THAT much trouble with it, then it is not because they are forgetful it is because they don't care or they are stubbornly refusing to try.  Usually after a women who changes her last name after marriage can expect everyone to know and use the new name within the first year, how is this any different? ? ?  It is still a name change?  I can see the parent who choose the name to be sad because well, I spent a lot of time and energy picking out my kid's names!!! but for everyone else F*** 'EM!!!  Who gave them the right to name you?  It's RESPECT people learn it!  For the stupid disowning people out there I hate you too!  "Oh your not my sister any more because you got a tattoo" F U "Oh you are not my son anymore because your gay"  F U "Oh your not my parent anymore because you changed your gender" F U "Oh you are not my friend anymore because you got an abortion" F U
The only reason why teenagers don't show respect is because ADULTS don't show respect!!!

One half of me wants to be sympathetic and say, well it is hard on the brother too, he has feelings and thoughts just like everyone else, give him time -sure, let him know you still care -sure.
The other half of me whats to tell people stop whining!  If you are 14 and the worst thing in your life is that your brother is now your sister then I'd love to be you!  Try having a brother that raped you, try having a brother that died of cancer, try having a brother that went missing, try having a brother who has to live in a different country than you but not by choice.  There is so much pain and suffering in this world, I believe people switch to make the suffering end not to cause more, why don't others see it this way?

Sorry for being so b*t**y -yes it's that time of the month for me to have no patience with people and tell them all to grow up!