wtf

[Yochanan]

My ->-bleeped-<-ing chest is growing. It feels like its back to the size it was before I started binding. Maybe 'cause I haven't been binding much? It came on all of the sudden. I LIKED the effect binding had on my chest. Made it less bouncy, easier to ignore. Now I've got this sudden ->-bleeped-<-ing denseness again. It makes me want to die. I really want to. And I'm starting birth control ASAP for the monthly pain but I know it will only exacerbate this problem. What I really want to do is take a butcher knife to my chest and be rid of the problem once and for all. I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I want to die.

[icontact]

Think of it this way dude. If you die, you won't be able to have that sexy, flat, manly-contoured chest. Ever. All you have to do is hang in there until you have $9k, and poof they're gone.

[Nero]

Asher has a good point, but it says 'non-op' on Yoch's profile. is that 'non-op' as in chest?

[Mister]

did you end up going on birth control after all?  if so, there's your culprit.

[Yochanan]

Yes, I currently have no plans to transition physically. If I did, top surgery would be first, then T.

I've put on my binder now and at least I'm not all bouncy now. I'm going to start binding again every day, pain be damned.

[Jay]

nd I'm starting birth control ASAP for the monthly pain but I know it will only exacerbate this problem.

Birth control makes lumps grow considerably. On one hand it stops aunt flow but your breasts grow at least twice the size...

Jay

[Yochanan]

The monthly illness bothers me far, far more than the chest. I can handle binding, but I can't handle bleeding. I would rather have the chest grow and have at least some relief than no relief at all. And I haven't gone on yet, but I plan to do so within the month--within the week if possible.

[jaded]

firstly happy happy pesach to ya:) second i know how you  feel but trust me its worth hanging in there.
because when i want somthin enough you can make it happen! and it will happen ,when it does there is no better feeling in the universe!!!!!!
i never thought i could come up with the $$ but for me it was $5,000 and it took a couple of years but it was done...
i was very large on top always (besides for when i was severly anorexic and bulimic)
so i understand its hard but hang in there!

[rottingteeth]

What I really want to do is take a butcher knife to my chest and be rid of the problem once and for all.

me too man. : (

but that's not a good idea. hang in there.

I've tried binding, I found this medical "tape" (more like a long band of stretchy material) but it's itchy and hurts...can't stand it for more than 5 minutes, then I rip it off. plus I smoke alot. hard to breathe. I'm thinking about wearing it again though, like you said, pain be damned. : \

[Jay]

The monthly illness bothers me far, far more than the chest. I can handle binding, but I can't handle bleeding. I would rather have the chest grow and have at least some relief than no relief at all. And I haven't gone on yet, but I plan to do so within the month--within the week if possible.

You say that, but you do know with most pills you will have to come off of it sometime, and thgen it will be the worst period you will ever have.

We all are different.

Just wondering are you in therapy yet?

Jay

[Arch]

Johnny, I'm sorry about what's happening to you. But you say that you would rather get rid of your monthly visitor even if it means that your chest is growing. So are you planning to use the pills to completely eliminate your period? You can use one of those pills that allows a period only a few times a year, or you can do it with regular pills if you have a few extra months of prescription and skip the last week of pills most months.

At least that would buy you SOME peace.

[perfectisolation]

Not all birth control pills will make your chest grow, but I guess that depends on your body. I've heard of things like Depo-Provera and Yaz causing growth. I took Seasonique for like 2 years without any growth at all in the chest, or any weight gain. But the risk with taking low estrogen pills is that you'll get problems like breakthrough bleeding which is extremely annoying and imo more of a nuisance than having regular periods. IMHO taking estrogens isn't really gonna solve anything. They trick your body into thinking it's pregnant. ew.
Find some peace, Yochanan.

[Yochanan]

I was in therapy for a while for other issues but I stopped going. I won't go back until/unless I transition, and then only for whatever is required.

I would love to completely eliminate it--I'd heard that it could be done by skipping certain pills, but I wasn't sure. I  don't particularly like the idea of putting more estrogen into myself, but I have to do something or I'll kill myself.

[Jaimey]

but I have to do something or I'll kill myself.

If it's getting that bad, you need to talk to someone.  If you had issues with your past therapist, maybe try someone different...maybe even a counselor.  Anyone.  If you're in college, your school should have free counseling services on campus.  They could probably point you in the right directions or at least just listen. 

[Yochanan]

Honestly, I see no point in talking to anyone. Talk therapy does nothing for me. Unless they are going to solve my problems, there's no point, and talking does not solve anything.

[icontact]

Talking may not solve anything, but it can keep you from offing yourself until you can find a viable solution.

[jaded]

yeah i agreee with asher i hated therapy because i thought it was pointless talking wasnt going to change what was going on in my life but it brought me closer to transition which helped a whole lot!
and truthfully it stoped me from doing just that offing myself because he made me realize how long it feels b4 and how far behind me it feels after....(transition)i know it is hard as heck i worked for years saving and my sister messed it up for me the night 4 i had to push it off another 3 months!!!!!!!!!!!!which felt like a lifelife was the mostdifficult thinnhbg i  ever went through and ive been through alot! amnyway its behind me now and i feel great about my upper haf and soon enough i will be the same for the bottom:)anyway now im rambling .,...
my point is hang in there so you can at least feel how wonderful it is when you actually reach it:)
all the best,
shane

[Jaimey]

If nothing else, a professional can listen to you.  Talking is better than not talking.