Letting Your Friends Catch Up

[K8]

I had a nice talk with a friend this morning.  She said that she and all my other friends support me in my transition, but it's been a whirlwind and they are having trouble keeping up.  She said I've been thinking about this for a long time but it's all new to them.  She pointed out that most of them hadn't any experience with this, so they were scrambling to learn so they could offer their support.  She didn't ask me to slow down but to keep the changes more subtle.

I agree with her.  I have been trying to ease into this and to ease those around me into it, too.  However, I shaved off my beard only three months ago.  I then began coming out to each of my friends, and then the community at large.  I've started laser treatments and hormones.  I began living full time a week ago.  It has all happened surprisingly fast.

I think her point is valid.  How do I help my friends catch up with my changes?  They have begun calling me Katherine (or Kate – their choice), but I think many of them are a bit dizzy from all this.  I tell them that once the cage door swings open, there's no telling what will pour out.

Have any of you had this problem?  How did you help your friends?

- Kate

[Starr]

I can relate to your friends. When Hypatia came out to me, I didn't know anything about transgender people except what I had seen in the media, which mostly seems to sensationalize it. I knew I accepted her, but it was still an adjustment and a learning curve for me. She filled me in on a lot of information, especially about her own story, and gave me links to other places for more general info.

At first, I was afraid of accidentally saying or asking something wrong and having it sound offensive. I would say to make sure your friends know that you'll understand if they ask something that could be taken the wrong way. If they're asking respectfully because there's something they want to understand, they need to know you won't get upset if they mess up.

It sounds like the friends you've come out to know each other. When Hypatia came out to me, I had to keep it a secret for months. This made it harder for me to process. I think your friends can be a great support to each other, which will make them able to be a better support to you.

[K8]

It sounds like the friends you've come out to know each other. When Hypatia came out to me, I had to keep it a secret for months. This made it harder for me to process. I think your friends can be a great support to each other, which will make them able to be a better support to you.

Thanks for your comments.  Yes, I am very lucky because many of my friends know each other and can talk to each other for their own support.  I tried to tell everyone quickly so they wouldn't have to keep secrets from each other, but not everyone is in a situation where they can do that.

I have been very open with my friends, which I think has helped them and me.  Some don't ask questions, others want to know about surgery or hormones, still others want to know about dealing GID.

After I made the first post, I talked to my minister, who had also talked to the friend I had met earlier in the day.  My minister said the main issue was for me to be patient with my friends when they called my by the wrong name or used the wrong pronoun.  Even if you just change from the diminutive of your name to the full name (Debbie to Deborah, for instance), people have trouble remembering what to call you now.

I think another issue is that there are no social scripts for this process.  We're all feeling our way through it.  But with patience and kindness we will find our way to better times.

- Kate

[Sandy]

Your friend hit it on the head, Kate.

This is a transition for you AND everyone around you.  You've been trying to come to grips with it for the better part of your life, but to your friends it is something they never encountered.

Giving friends and family time to catch up and to become acquainted with the real you (to them the *new* you) is completely reasonable and quite loving.  However don't allow someone to compromise your ultimate goal under the guise of "Don't change yet, I'm still getting used to you."  And never come to grips with it and doing try to prevent you from transitioning.

In other words you can compromise the time frame, but not the outcome.

In truth though, it sounds like your friends are coming to terms with you very well and just need to catch up in the nomenclature and getting used to referring to you in the feminine.

-Sandy

[tekla]

Or more to the point, it took you years, or in some cases decades to understand this about yourself, might want to give other people more than a few hours or days to wrap their heads around it.

[Janet_Girl]

You might be surprised on how fast they come to grips with the new you.  Yes they need time, but they will see how happy you are and your growth into womanhood.  That will help them wrapped their minds around it.

And being close as they are, they have help outside of their friendship with you.  I imagine that 'Kate' has been the topic of more than one conversation. 

Don't stop your transition for their sake.  Stop and enjoy the day, and they will catch up.  And as Sandy said it is their transition to.

Janet

[K8]

Thanks for all your comments.  You help me find my way through this.  You are all right.

I imagine that 'Kate' has been the topic of more than one conversation. 

Oh, I am sure. 

At first I took the comment about having trouble keeping up to mean: slow down.  Now I realize I just need be as accepting of them as they have been of me.  Several have said this is a "Big Change" for me.  Actually, I don't see it that way - more like an evolution or blossoming.  But I realize that it may be a "Big Change" for them, and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Yesterday I had a session with my counselor.  I know her personally as well as having her for my counselor.  (It's a small town.)  She was laughing because she said I've always been someone who was tentative and didn't want to upset people or cause them distress and would proceed slowly with new things, but with this it was more like "Here I am, ready or not."  She's right.

Again, thanks for your comments.  They really do help me.

- The ever-more-confident Kate

[NicholeW.]

"Here I am, ready or not."

That seems a rather usual trait of people who decide to transition. No matter how much they planned and stepped their plans for timelines the doing of them often means they run well ahead of the original plan.

If your fortunate with the changes caused by hormone therapy then that prolly makes the impetus to hurry even more acute. As tekla said this is something most of us have felt and known for almost a lifetime. The openly joyous reaction to living as one's self can be quite exhilirating which will also tend toward causing one to speed ahead.

Patience and understanding as well as actually, at least sometimes, listening to your friends and discovering what they feel and how to be helpful rather than demanding through your transition is always an idea whose time is now.

No one ever actually transitions in a vacuum, although a number of trans-people make a vacuum in the wakes of their transitions. I don't think it needs to be that way as often as it becomes that way. A bit of remembering that a person is always interconnected with others and that there are things that have to be balanced if you're gonna continue to have friendships and people who will support you is never a bad idea for any of us, transitioning or not.

Nichole

[paulault55]

I told my best friend in February 2009 and she was really accepting and doesn't treat me any different, however i asked her to keep it between just us till i was ready to tell others, i never thought about the burden i put on her not to tell, I will have to remedy that shortly.

Paula

[Sandy]

I told my best friend in February 2009 and she was really accepting and doesn't treat me any different, however i asked her to keep it between just us till i was ready to tell others, i never thought about the burden i put on her not to tell, I will have to remedy that shortly.

Paula

When I started telling people I let them decide who/when/if to tell.  When I was ready to come out, I didn't feel that I could put the onus on the person I told.  I figured that I would be the hot topic of conversation anyway, so I let things just happen.  Though I did make sure that the people I told were the people I wanted to know from me.  I told my family first before I told any of my friends.

I kind of let it all hang out.  It seemed to work out ok.  But it was only *after* I was prepared for everyone to know.  I didn't say a word to anyone, besides my wife and therapist, beforehand.

-Sandy

[imaz]

I was diagnosed with gender difficulties as a kid so everyone knew since always. As most kids do, I tried to rebel against it in a big way, I was a very rebellious teenager and still am but in a different way...

What really was hard to cope with was the homophobia as I wasn't Gay (well I was, but not the way they understood it!). This alone made it very hard for me to accept my gender issues.

If friends don't accept it they simply aren't worth having. Just my opinion...

[K8]

"Here I am, ready or not."

That seems a rather usual trait of people who decide to transition. No matter how much they planned and stepped their plans for timelines the doing of them often means they run well ahead of the original plan.

That's certainly been my experience.  I had thought I wouldn't start fulltime until this summer.  Part of the problem for my friends is that one week I tell them I'm easing into it and the next week I'm me. 

If friends don't accept it they simply aren't worth having. Just my opinion...

I agree.  But there is a difference between them accepting it and them being able to integrate into their thinking about you.  If someone has known you as a man for years, it takes them a while to adjust to thinking about you as a woman regardless of how much they accept you and your transition.  And for most people, this is their first experience with this kind of adjustment.  We just need to be patient with those who love us.

I went to a board meeting last night.  About a third of the time I was referred to with my male name, but usually the person who did it would catch themselves and correct it.  It makes for a bit of awkwardness.  They're game.  And they're trying.  It'll just take a little time.  There was a lot of happy laughter at the meeting. 

I couldn't do this without the support of my friends.  I don't want to lose them and I want to be their friend, too.

So far, so good.
- Kate

[imaz]

That's great Kate. Humour and laughter are always positive as is the ability to take the piss out of oneself. There's a funny side to be being TS and there's no harm in seeing it.