'I Was Raped' Should Horrify. But Our Culture Has Stripped the Word of Its Power

[NicholeW.]

'I Was Raped' Should Horrify -- But Our Culture Has Stripped the Word of Its Power
By Mikki Halpin, AlterNet. Posted April 29, 2009.

http://www.alternet.org/reproductivejustice/138667/%22i_was_raped%22_should_horrify_--_but_our_culture_has_stripped_the_word_of_its_power/


In a video on the New York Times Web site, the young actor Taylor Kitsch of Friday Night 
Lights describes bombing an audition as "being 
raped."

"Raped in pilot season!" he says ruefully, almost nostalgically, while shaking his head and smiling at the camera. "It was so bad."

Clearly this was not a fun experience for Kitsch, and you feel for him. Doing badly 
on an audition sucks. But it does not suck as much as sexual assault, something that happens every two minutes in America.

The word "rape," which my dictionary defines as "The unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse," is experiencing a dangerous shift in meaning.*




I like the essay and agree with many of her points. Language definitely becomes cliched and loses much of it's force when the power of words is diluted by overuse and variation in meanings from the horrific and terrifying to the merely uncomfortable.

The end discussion of the Western Carolina Univ. study about sexist language is very interesting, if not particularly surprising.

What do you think?

Nichole

[tekla]

Sigh.  As they have done to so many words before.

[whatsername]

I wince every time someone uses the word "rape" as casually as this.  Then I get angry.

[Annwyn]

I think I'd like you to delete this entire thread.

Some of us victims aren't quite over it as others.

Sure I know a lot of people toss the term around.

It doesn't mean I have to be reading about it on a place I come to chill out and relax.

[Dennis]

It should horrify and it has been diluted by the casual use of it, I think. I cringe every time I read or hear a casual use of that word. Surviving sexual assault has no equivalent. Annwyn, I don't think anyone gets over it completely. But don't you think it's important to talk about saving that word for that particular experience and not trivializing it?

There's a line in the World According to Garp, where a character is sexually assaulted, where they talk about "getting the you in you". No crime comes close to the capability to do that, except sexual assault. People feel violated when their trust is taken advantage of in a fraud, or where their home is invaded in a B&E, but that is a pale comparison to the effects of sexual assault. And there I am, through this entire post, using a euphemism for rape. I think the word rape should retain the power it has had. There is no crime comparable.

Dennis

[Cindy]

I'm a bit with Annwynn,
It's been close to 39 years since they degraded me. I'm stronger now. But I still feel, smell and suffer everytime I read about R.

I think I had regressed it. But being on this site and meeting people who have also suffered brings it home again. I'm starting to hear their voices and cheers again. Why would anyone want to do this?
I'm so sorry I am going to have to post this. Please other R victims be aware and turn off the post.

I was sixteen, far too gorgeous to be male. I'd come out to my folks at 13, and as many of you know that didn't go down well. I was, and still am the same size as my elder sister. My folks were away. There was a local disco. So I went as Cindy. Looked good. Felt good. Didn't know anyone. Had a great time dancing, talked to some girls, they (I think didn't pick me).  I was about 5' 5" had no facial hair. Had long hair to my shoulder blades. I reckon I was really happy. I was dancing with a group of girls, as you did. handbags on the floor in the middle of the circle. Talking about the guys and generally being girls. A guy every now and again would come over and take a dance. They were basically all drunk. We'd check them out. I got a guy taking me for a dance. Next thing his tongue was down my throat. I tried so hard to get away. I could see the girls laughing.  His hands were between my legs and I was being carried out side.
His friends where there.
I went to Hell

Sorry
Brought back a lot.

Most of all I remember sitting in ER. My bottom so sore. I was ripped. My jaw was dislocated. I remember people laughing.
It may not be at me. I was going to change the tense but that would be wrong.

I just remember the laughter.

I couldn't tell anyone, at least not my parents. I told my sister. I didn't prosecute. How could I. And it was a time when TGs didn't count.


I haven't followed the site mentioned that began the web.
This is the first time I have told my story.
Thank You

Cindy JAmes

[imaz]

Truly sorry to hear your stories Cindy and Annwyn...

It's never happened to me but I've met many women who it has happened to, some of them very close to me.

A Big Hug to you both and much love

[NicholeW.]

Cindy and Annwyn, I'm sorry you've both had your experiences. They are not experiences that anyone should have.

But, in fact, your experiences are why the dilution and j/k transformation of the word IS an important aspect of our lives.

I am a survivor as well and have written here and in other places about that.

Cindy, I hope you can find some support group and rape counseling group in which to tell your story. There's no need at all to be alone and in some places the unusual arrangement of your history will not be a hindrance to your finding a group of others who have survived rape and sexual assault and have the memories.

Ann, if you have not gotten some support for your rape do so.

The one most terrible part of the aftermath is that women do not find ways: for reasons of embarassment, fear, resignation, etc to do the work of healing. Instead we, perhaps especially women who transsex, keep the memory bottled within where what it does is recapitulate over and over again the original outrage.

The answer to your pain is not to ignore it and hope that eventually it will disappear. I can assure you it won't. It didn't for me. It doesn't seem to for anyone. But, I can also assure you both that being able to talk to other women, other women who had similar experiences, about my experience and about my feeling was the thing that finally allowed me to realize that what I had done before (keeping it locked inside with my fear and anger and shame) was the absolute worst response I could have.

When I was able to share and hear, able to get counseling from other survivors who had discovered that rape doesn't have to be the end of a life, but can become, in its own terrible way, a new beginning, then I was able to start the road to the end of terror-dreams and waking dreams and both concious and unconcious fear.

Not talking about it, not ever discussing it, not ever finding some healing from it, is going to mean that you both and others walk about as living testimonies to the your perps. You will allow them to continue their rapes through time, and thus continue to control your life.

The way to lose our struggles is to never speak them.

I'm sorry if you both are troubled by the piece. But, its, imo, an important piece, and silence is never the answer to violence and personal degradation of another human being. Through our stories we can become strong.

Nichole

[Janet_Girl]

I know a woman who has been raped three times.  The last time was by her own son.  And she is not pressing charges.  I can understand the shame and humiliation that she feels and, while it is her decision, I don't understand why she would not wish to see this repeat rapist behind bars.

I am sorry for both of you, Toni and Cindy, for being violated in such a horrible way.  I could not even imagine what I would do.  It sickens me to think of such actions being perpetrated upon anyone.

Janet

[Annwyn]

Toni, if you have not gotten some support for your rape do so.

I refuse.

I'd prefer to focus my energy and time continually living my life.  It's happened to my way too many times and I've come to accept that I'm the problem, somehow, it's just me.  Either way, I'm not going to sit down and spill the beans to some stupid person who's only there because I'm paying him/her to be there when I COULD be doing things like studying and working and chilling out and GETTING ON WITH MY LIFE.

It'll stay nightmares.

It doesn't need to pop up on these forums though, not like that at least.  Just like topics about severe self mutilation don't need to pop up, it's too much of a trigger.

It's completely selfish on my part, but it's not something i take pleasure in discussing and I definitely do not enjoy reminders.
Post Merge: April 30, 2009, 10:32:44 AM
Following back up on it, it happened early in 07 from one of my best friends, somehow I forgave her and we're still best friends to this day.  She's on my top friends on myspace, believe it or not, but it took some real hard roads to get through that mess of her putting crap in my drink.  It'd happened throughout my childhood.
I had an experience last year just RUNNING where I was vehemently overcome with rage that I thought I killed the assaulters, I posted a thread about it.

November.  By a drunk marine I thought was my best friend.
January.  Pill in drink, emptied mace onto the mofos face.
March.  Pressed full charges got his wife to side with me so it's a mutual case of both rape and abuse.

It almost happened two weeks ago, I was followed home from work and told my brother to get my gun out as soon as we were home.  Dude parked in front of my house and came out, my brother thought I was kidding until I started screaming at him to get out there.  The dude had that look.  James came out with the shotgun and the dude looked indecisive, it wasn't until I grabbed it and loaded the chamber that the guy got into his car and drove away.  Calmly, that's what creeps me out.  Pointing an 8 gauge short 22 inch barreled shotgun at the creeps face didn't seem to be anything but a MINOR deterant.  So now I'm a full goddam believer of gun ownership.  I don't care if I have to kill someone to stop it from happening to me again, but it can't.  I'm a strong woman.  I want to be in control.  I know I'm somewhat easy, it's something I'm ashamed of.  That's what pisses me off even more: if they'd wanted to get off that badly they could have just taken me on a few dates and made the right moves and said the right things.  Instead they just shattered my pride and my control I like to put over every situation.  I look at it as a failure on my part that even though I did everything I possibly could, they used either drugs or brute force over me instead of simply trying the way normal people do.  If getting off meant that much to them... I don't even understand.  there's whores on every street in every city of the country, they could have just thrown a 20 at someone and gotten what they wanted.

This is why: every single time it happened my own self worth felt lowered.  I felt as if the meaning of intimacy had lost its value, and not only that but what I had to offer to the person I wanted to be with was even more damaged.  Then, I got even more comfortable with letting myself get taken advantage of.  My last, "fling" somehow ended up letting the man wrap his fingers aroudn my throat and I LET him at the time, until I broke down later because well, I could barely decipher the difference between what we had just done and a rape that occurred to me in November.

So what I'll do is I'll just push my standards for self defense up and keep my distance even further away.  I've gotten to the point to where I'd rather reconnect with old friends I haven't spoken to for a few years than meet new people.

Either way, therapy isn't going to do crap but expose you to someone looking to turn a profit, or if you go to one of those stupid groups it'll just expose you to the weakness of other people and drag you down even further.

The only thing to do is hold your head up high and get-over-it.

[NicholeW.]

The only thing to do is hold your head up high and get-over-it.

It may seem the only way, but, as I discovered in my own life, that is, finally, the path of despair and ruin.

I wasn't suggesting therapy, at least not the variety you imagine. Instead I was suggesting getting connected to other survivors, other women who've had the experience. I found that much more helpful than going through therapy. Leave the therapy, if you ever use that path, for after-the-fact of finding something that truly makes you supported and supporting: the companionship of others who've known the experience. Others in real-life, not on a board.

I don't expect you to hear that, Ann, not yet. But perhaps someday you will and discover that regardless the pain of allowing others to know, that the only way to heal will be allowing the pus and infection to be exposed to air and light.

Until then.

Nichole

[Mister]

"The unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse,"

Sounds to me like the author needs a new dictionary.

[Mr. Fox]

Why?

[Mister]

Why?

I'm guessing this was to me.

Because not just women are raped, not just 'sexual intercourse' is rape.

[NicholeW.]

... and if you'd read the article, you'd have come to the place that she gives the second definition, Mister. The one that says: "The unlawful compelling of a man through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse." Dictionary meanings are generally given in the order in which their usage is most usually utilized.

There are usually things that we can pick apart if we make an attempt, things that do not agree with the ways in which we experience the world and other people.

The way one learns to understand more than herself, or himself, is to leave the technical correctness behind long enough to actually suspend my own views long enough to read or hear what the other is saying and how they are seeing the world.

I'm sure being able to find fault is a positive thing to many, our species has done that to the exclusion of all else in many regards for thousands of years. That it makes anything better or easier is very open to a lot of questions. In fact the history of our civilizations might even tend to make one believe that we don't nearly question ourselves and hear others and attempt to understand nearly enough.

Nichole

[Mister]

Then maybe people should learn to cut articles so that they don't appear to be skewed and biased.

[NicholeW.]

Then maybe people should learn to cut articles so that they don't appear to be skewed and biased.

How would anyone do that for you? You seem most adept at finding anything that might seem biased or skewed in your mind.

Generally actually reading past the point at which you find the first thing you think you disagree with will do the trick. That article was there in toto. Your reading was quite obviously not very thorough or you stopped at that first problem you had.

That is not the fault of the author, or of me in placing the entire article here. It was your mistake as a reader.

Nichole

[Mister]

How would anyone do that for you? You seem most adept at finding anything that might seem biased or skewed in your mind.

Generally actually reading past the point at which you find the first thing you think you disagree with will do the trick. That article was there in toto. Your reading was quite obviously not very thorough or you stopped at that first problem you had.

That is not the fault of the author, or of me in placing the entire article here. It was your mistake as a reader.

Nichole

I'm still not seeing how my point of the author needing a new dictionary is false.  If it reads
"The unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse," it's time to get a dictionary that's not so horribly outdated.

[NicholeW.]

and the reason you don't see is that you don't look. You stopped reading once you had your intellectual dagger in your hand, which was at that first definition. -- The dictionary isn't out-dated, your ability to go past you own niggles to the full article is the problem you "don't see."

The 2nd definition, as I told you above is "The unlawful compelling of a man through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse." Dictionary definitions are normally given in terms of the most used modern terms first and go on through the least used terms. That's why you'll not see the abbreviation obs until the final entries under a word.

As I said, the problem was in the reader who chose not to read the entire article before coming forth with his objection. The article was there in full and had you continued past your "gotcha" feeling you'd have found that second entry for the word.

Nichole

[Mister]

No, Nichole, you just cannot take anything that I post without twisting it around into whatever your image of me is.  I'm looking at my dictionary right now and it doesn't use terms man/woman, it uses person.  The dictionary that was quoted from is outdated.  Period.  I don't need to read the article to substantiate a fact that's written in the first 100 words.