what next?

[DRAIN]

So. i've decided i need to take another step in this craziness, but i'm not sure what it should be. the choices are basically:

-tell my mom "hey i think i might be trans" (in so many words) and then call the therapist
- call the therapist and try to keep my mom in the dark

i don't like feeling like i'm going behind my mom's back, but i don't know how she's going to react. i've mentioned tha ti want to get therapy recently but not why. she's fine with me being "lesbian" and when we've watched trans related TV she seems supportive - to the point that i think she may know already. but there's always the chance she'll find a way to make me feel like crap about it (without meaning to) or feel ashamed about it, or worse kick me out.

I want to start this crap soon, at least getting it figured out, but i'm scared for some reason. maybe its just the fear of bringing it from something inside my head to something other people can see.

what do you think? how the hell do i start that conversation?

[Nero]

I worried about this for months before coming out - the right time, the right words, etc. In the end, I just blurted it out while drunk. I don't suggest being drunk when you do it, but I do suggest just blurting it. I think it works better. It's a hard thing for parents to swallow no matter how you feed it to them.
Just blurt it out and give them time to digest and answer any questions.

Oh and 'hinting' didn't work. I kept throwing out conversation openers, reminiscing about the boyish childhood, making her watch trans movies, the works. Never produced an opening. I had to just come out with it.

Also - you want to be firm with this. Make it clear this is non-negotiable.

Good luck man!

[DRAIN]

thanks! i was thinking blurt-out-while-drunk would be a good idea too (or pretend to be drunk anyway). i actually don't want to tell her yes i'm going to transition, because i still hold out that maybe i won't. it would be more of a "i think i might be, and i'm going to therapy to figure it out"

[kody2011]

she is your mom, so she probly has some idea of it...but if your wanting to get started, your going to have to say something. i know that it's going to be hard, especially if you live at home. i live 400 miles away and have just wrote to my mom about it and am now in the process of getting her to come to therapy with me so we can discuss it. but like i said: your going to have to tell her. she sounds pretty supportive, so try it and if you can't get it out, try again later. letters seem to be easier for me. plus that will give her the chance to come to you and discuss it. well, that's my penny worth. hope that all goes well with whatever you decide!

[Rachel]

Well, either one would be a good start, coming out is tough but you should just talk to her.  Its hard, and you feel like your heart is going to explode while your doing it, but in the end its always not nearly as bad as you think it will be.  I thought it would be horrible with my parents, that they would never want to talk to me again.  It didnt work out 100%, but in the end it was a lot better than i thought it would be.

Just go for it, your mom loves you (you have made that painfully clear in previous convos) and i think it will go just fine.  Just make sure to be patient and understanding at all costs

[Radar]

I know how you feel. I have my husband, my family, his family and my work to tell. I'm seeing the psychologist first before telling anybody. I want to see what he thinks is best. Plus, I think they give you psychological tests to make sure this isn't being caused by a psychological problem. I think they also tests your "male/female" brain. I don't know if everyone has to do this, but I've read alot of people had to in order to get the gender dysphoria diagnosis. I'd talk to the psychologist first and get his advise on how to tell people.

I do have a question for everyone out there. Have any of you been completely disowned by your family after telling them?

[Flameboy]

I waited until I'd had an official diagnosis from a psych before I told my parents. I figured that as it was "official" they'd be less likely to try and talk me out of it, or convince me that I wasn't trans. Then again, I don't live anywhere near them so that wasn't an issue.

I told them by writing them a letter and handing it to them after dinner when I was up visiting one weekend - and then bolting out of the room to do the washing up while I gave them time to read it. It was much better (for me) than actually having to tell them, and meant that I could get all my points across without being interrupted, or anyone getting overly emotional. It also meant they had sosmething to refer back to if they needed to.

I know how you feel. I have my husband, my family, his family and my work to tell. I'm seeing the psychologist first before telling anybody. I want to see what he thinks is best. Plus, I think they give you psychological tests to make sure this isn't being caused by a psychological problem. I think they also tests your "male/female" brain. I don't know if everyone has to do this, but I've read alot of people had to in order to get the gender dysphoria diagnosis. I'd talk to the psychologist first and get his advise on how to tell people.

I don't know anyone who has had to have a test for male/female brain before getting a diagnosis! Personally, I think that most of these tests are complete rubbish - and anyway, it's pretty easy to figure out what answers will give you the "male" result and what will give you the "female" one.

I do have a question for everyone out there. Have any of you been completely disowned by your family after telling them?

Not me personally, no, but I do know people that have been.

[Osiris]

I have to agree with blurting it out. Just say, hey this is how I'm feeling and what I'm going to do about it.

[Radar]

I don't know anyone who has had to have a test for male/female brain before getting a diagnosis! Personally, I think that most of these tests are complete rubbish - and anyway, it's pretty easy to figure out what answers will give you the "male" result and what will give you the "female" one.

Yeah, I read that some people had to do it as part of some psychological tests. I think alot of those tests are BS too. Apparently it sounds like these tests aren't normally done. I guess it depends on the doctor.

[myles]

I went to or should say go to a gender therapist and had no "tests" done. Just did what others said told him my situation how long I have felt this way, how long I had been researching, trying to deal with it on my own and so forth.
Myles

[Ms.Behavin]

Right,  I never had a single test nor did a therapist say I was TS, except after a year of RLE for THE GRS Letter.

Just talking to your mom is best.  Just blurting it out cause theres no easy way to say it.  Maybe say you "Might" be trans.

Too bad there isn't a greeting card from Hallmark for coming out :-)

Good luck

Beni

[Luc]

Might read something like this:
Hey mom and dad
You're the best
There's just something I need
To get off my chest
(particularly my breasts)

Hmm... maybe I should call Hallmark...

[noxdraconis]

ROFL That was a good one Sebastien.

[DRAIN]

haha thats great sebastien xD

[Jaimey]

Might read something like this:
Hey mom and dad
You're the best
There's just something I need
To get off my chest
(particularly my breasts)

Hmm... maybe I should call Hallmark...

Wow.  Perhaps you start a "coming out" card company...


I agree with everyone else.  Blurt it out.  I had a friend who tried to hint to me for over a year that she was a lesbian.  Now, I picked up on the hints, but because she didn't make it clear, I didn't feel comfortable asking her if she was.  Be clear and absolute.

[Osiris]

Wow.  Perhaps you start a "coming out" card company...

Maybe it's cause it's 3:30 in the morning... but I'm seriously thinking that's a brilliant idea.

[Jaimey]

Things always seem to sound brilliant at 3 AM!   

At 3 AM, I think I'm a genius.  At 3 PM, my dreams are crushed. 

[tekla]

    Wow.  Perhaps you start a "coming out" card company...

Maybe it's cause it's 3:30 in the morning... but I'm seriously thinking that's a brilliant idea.

Been done, there are sections in the card shops in the Castro. 

[Rachel]

    Wow.  Perhaps you start a "coming out" card company...

Maybe it's cause it's 3:30 in the morning... but I'm seriously thinking that's a brilliant idea.

Been done, there are sections in the card shops in the Castro.

really? wow that is just insane, the things they put on cards nowadays

[tekla]

Oh girl, when you get out of Iowa, you're going to find like a thousand years have passed you by.  (Former resident of Des Moines, Ames, Jewell and Ellsworth)