tough decision

[nicole_dianelle]

hi everyone one, i'm pretty new on here.

i don't really know where to began. let start off by saying that my whole life i been putting on an act. around him and everyone i smile and try my best to be the perfect son for my father sake. at the age of 7 I know exactly what i wanted when i grow up. and that is to be a women. i dream about it. long for it. but my father isn't an open minded type of person. to his point of view a man suppose to be a man and a women suppose to be a women. and many other than which i don't want to offend anyone so i'm not going to put it down.

with the way he think. it put me to shame. i was sadden to the point of depression. i don't want him to think bad of me so i push my true self deep inside myself and lock it away. which left me only emptyness and the desire to do something but don't know what.

as year pass by. our relationship drift farther apart. one day my step mother and him split up. that was when our relationship also took a turn far the worst. a year pass by. in that one year i spoke with him only a few time. I however love and respect him as much that day as when i was a kid. but at the same time fear him. I fear that he would look into my eyes and he would instantly that i'm a lousy acter and would know my secret which i keep from him. fear that if he do fine out he would disown me there and then.

at the age of 18 he got marry to my new step mother which is two year older then me. i excepted her as my step mother for my father sake. but shortly after that i move out of the house. and haven't been back ever sense.

now at the age of 26. i have a daughter that is 5 year old. the mother of my daughter and i isn't together anymore. i love my daughter with all my heart. she is the world to me. my daughter's mother family is also very strick like my father is.  well here is the problem come in.

recently i can't stand it anymore. i'm tire of the act that i'm putting on for my father sake. i want to undergo HRT. but i don't want to do it yet until my father know. if he know then it would cause a ripple effect that can't be stop.everything will spiral not upward but downward for me. i would loose pretty much everything. he will disown me. know my daughter's grand-parent. they will do everything within there power to keep me away from my daughter. 99.9 percent of my friends will give me the finger and tell me to f off.
but by doing so would get rid of a huge burden and worry off my chess by him knowing. and also i get to become what i truely meant to be. a women. i can finally be free from the prison which i keep myself in all this year.

i'm just sitting her pondering on the two choice i have. tell him or not to tell him. what ever choices i make will hurt me in the long run. while i'm deciding. i want to ask a few question to everyone.

if i do decide to go ahead and do it. how often and how many time do i have to go see the shrink.  and how much does the shrink cost per visit. (in united states)

and once i'm approve for HRT just roughly...how much does the med cost per month?

[Debtv]

hi diianelle,

So your 26 and afraid of what your father thinks. Well I understand that, but it goes way beyond just that huh?

To become honest about being transgender is a huge decision, I know. All us tg have to deal with this and its not easy. All I can do is tell you how it is with me.

I waited till I was 38 to tell everyone and become honest. I'm now 48 and my family still loves me although they do not want to see me enfemm....so I don't see them in person anymore. I lost only a few friends...but gained many more. My life is better and I am very happy now.

Also....just so you know...there are other paths to find happieness other than only mones and srs. We all have our path, but I have found happieness just being free and honest to live as an open tv.

Good luck to you...and you will get support here...a thing I wish I had at your age!

Love
DebTV

[nicole_dianelle]

well i have been living as a tv. but that is not what i wanted. i'm still not satified. i feel like a guy pretending to be a girl.  while the girl in me want to break it way out

[Kendall]

Here is some cost info i found on two sites.

http://www.tsroadmap.com/reality/finance/finxampl3.html

http://www.avonk.com/costs.html

[wajdi]

Hi Nicole;

I understand (I think) something of what you're going through.  Take a look at the thread entitled "An Absolute Shock" under this heading.  I am Jess' father (the 'redneck'), and I have to tell you that a truely loving parent will love you no matter what plumbing you have, or want to have.  As Jess' father, I am FAR more interested in her well-being and happiness than I am her plumbing.  It just tears my heart up to think of the 28 years of misery and unhappiness she went through before she told us.  Yes, she was very worring before she told her step-mother and myself.  Yes, she was shocked at our attitudes when she told us.  You have my prayers that you have the same kind of shock when you tell your father.  Bright Blessings upon you.

[nicole_dianelle]

i read that thread. i'm quite glad everything work out for jessica. u are truely a wonderful dad. wish i have a dad as understanding as u are.

In my family talking about one emotion is taboo. which is fine cuse i lock my feeling somewhere deep inside me. to my dad...showing any kind of emtion is consider as...sorry if i'm going to offend some ppl...sissy boy. he felt that if there is a problem u just have to take it like a man. trade a punch for a punch. is his favorite quote. sense i lack in phisical strength. (have a pettite body) i train myself  in two different form of martial art just to meet his standard. and many other thing that he consider a man suppose to be. he the half emply glass type of guy and have an extremely good  memory. would bring up other's fault 5, 10 even 20 years in the pass. i will met any standard he demand of me cuse it help me waste time and at the same time keep me busy from hearing the women voice inside me crying out in pain.

i guess u can say my true self broke free from the prison that my body lock me in.but  after escaping from one prison i found myself inside another prison. and my dad is the keeper. if i introduce him to my true self. i will be all alone in this world. for he is the only one family i have. but i will be free from that hated prison that is call my fake life. and start living the life that i was ment to live. i read many thread from many forum already. quite alot of the general ts is suicidal. i might be depress but i will not allow suicidal thought to enter my mind. i will prevent that at all cost. i wasn't rise in these world so that in the end i would be brand as a stupid selfish coward. (sorry if anyone is offended by that last comman)

[Cassandra]

Dear Nicole,

You will find that we have very thick skins around here, so we are not easily offended. As we travel through this world we are always alone within ourselves. We may have others around us who share our hopes and our dreams, who share some of the same experiences, and when we connect with such people then we are not as alone. If your fathers love is not strong enough to see your pain and be a comfort and support to you than you will have lost nothing by telling him. The same goes for your friends and other family members.

No one can predict exactly what will happen when they find out. It has been my experience and that of many others here at Susan's that people will surprise you. If you loose your daughter in the process that will be very unfortunate, but also remember she is your daughter she loves you unconditionally. No one will be able to seperate you forever because eventually she will become her own person. Just try to keep in touch as much as possible so she always knows were she can find you and that you will always love her. That is worst case.

Best case, all will be well and her mother or grandparents will not try to seperate you from her. Those who truly love you and care about you will be supportive. They may not understand at first. Your job will be to help them understand.

You sound like a strong person from reading your post. You must be even stronger and muster up all the courage that you can. If you are certain this is what you want then make sure those you tell understand the strength of your commitment to this purpose. That is the best advice I can give you.

Good Luck, and remember everyone here is behind you and we will be here for you when you need us.

Cassie

[4years]

Greetings welcome to Susan's most wonderful Place Nicole

A few disjoined thoughts, please pardon the incoherentness.

Friends who will not accept you are no friends.
Family who will not accept you are no family.

Sometimes being alone is better than hiding.

I am afraid you find yourself between the proverbial rock and the hard place.

You are welcome here Nicole.

To look at the cold hard facts:
26 is a wonderful time of life to transition.
To transition will probably mean everything you have come to know will change.
If you do not transition now it will haunt you until you do.


If you do decide now is the time, I strongly suggest arranging someway to have a letter/package delivered to your daughter many years from now when she is in control of her own life. Explain to her then what you cannot explain to her now.


Be both safe and smart in what you do. I wish you very much luck, strength and many blessings. and a teddy bear (tiger?) for hugs.

Please feel free to stay and talk with us and join in on the conversations.

[nicole_dianelle]

thank you everyone for the warm welcome and great encouragement.
I'm deeply touch by it.

[tiffani66]

Nicole, if you wish to do so, you may read my post in the Male to Female Transsexual Forum, under the topic "Lesbian".

I have been down that road, except in my case, my adoptive father beat me on a daily basis because I wasn't big enough or manly enough to satisfy his twisted ego.  The one difference between us is that I never had to tell him because the adoption fell apart in 1981, when I was only 15.

If you want to read my story, I have a website.  The location is http://www.geocities.com/tiffanipontchartrain/index.htm.

There are four poetry pages on the site, which can be accessed from the bottom of the index page.

One of those pages is set aside solely for my trans poetry; there are three poems there so far.  I hope that you and any others that are interested enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.  "Ben's Song" was written for a play that I had a part in last summer and is about an FtM CD.

If your father, Nicole, cannot accept you as you truly are, then walk away; don't let him control the situation by becoming angry at him, just leave.  Your physical and mental health is far more important than letting him abuse you by preventing you from being able to be yourself.

You are welcome here.  We understand what you are going through.

With all the love of a good and true friend, I wish you well.

Tiffani