"I have never made a mistake, once I thought I did, but I was wrong, I hadn't made one."
That is more than a
little bit circular but it does fit the choice or need argument. The reason is that the argument has shifted so much over the years that it catches itself being right, even when it is wrong. Some of this is due to learning as we live. I would have agreed that what I thought was making believe I was a member of the female gender back at 13 was a good feeling in my crotch. When it made me feel good back then, it also aroused me erotically. I felt great as a girl, actually a little "ballsy" that I was being what I felt I was inside. It did arouse my male genitalia, and yes, resulted in ejaculation. At the time and using the thought processes that were "age appropriate" I could easily have fit either the fetishistic or ->-bleeped-<- definitions that bring so much heat today.
It can be like taking a 1K piece jigsaw puzzle out of the box on a glass top table, turning the box cover over, and turning the puzzle pieces with the printed side down, and then trying to put the puzzle together perfectly so that a person lying under the table who can't talk to you about it will see it completed in under an hour for you to know what is true about yourself. If the person who comes up from under the table describes what he saw it to be in a foreign language, you will get an even better idea of what the gender argument can become.
I have used the definitions of ->-bleeped-<-, crossdresser, and transgendered at various times to describe myself. What keeps happening though is that I become OK with one definition, and then stop long enough for more questions to need answers. Then change happens. When I was married many years ago, I did not think of putting on women's clothing, but my wife was encouraged to do "feminine things" that today, I know I wanted to do then. She was not that interested in doing all the "feminine things" I wanted her to do though. (The marriage failed for reasons other than my gender issues.) While I was married, it was not possible for me to be gender bent, since boys married girls and had sex with them, and I was married. Was I fetishistically interested in her going to feminine extremes?? She does not remeber it that way (we are friends today) but I have read elsewhere that it could have been characterized as true if the right researcher had analyzed our relationship which did result in three children.
It has taken me many years since my first young and erotic days to have little facts change the way I see what my life has been like. Much of my behavior has been feminine since VERY young childhood, spent by periods of trying to change it "because I was a boy" and frankly becoming a mean and nasty caricature of what a man should be. Even doing good things as the male I was socially thought to be brought me almost no personal pleasure and little satisfaction although there are people who think highly of me as male.
The push and pull between our real selves to be what we are, the push and pull of society, and the push and pull of our spiritual side makes every path different. I have chosen to be a ->-bleeped-<- when it was the only clear answer I could see to my life. I have chosen to be a crossdresser when it became the clear answer to what I have felt and seen. Today, my female image of myself under whatever definition I use is no less real than it deeply has been, and is becoming the only REAL window of my spirit to the outside world. Certainly, HRT and the rest are not excluded, but will they make me more or less than I am now?
