Why is the need for someone so great?!

[Jay]

Hello guys & gals,

I have been thinking why do some of us need someone there a partner someone to love as we can not survive on our own. Some of my friends are like this, they need to have someone to love otherwise they just don't feel complete. I am like this but not as extreme as other people..

Strange..

Jay

[Nero]

Hey Jay.
It's funny. I never felt like that until after I lost the love of my life. Now life just seems so empty. Lonely not having someone to go through all this with. Not that I need anybody, really. In a lot of ways, I'm better on my own.
I think facing surgery is making me maudlin. 

[Miniar]

Basic human nature.

We "need" social contact with other people to function.
We "need" physical contact with other people to function.
We "need" intellectual contact with other people to function.

Sometimes, the "ideal" of the perfect mate, or spouse becomes what we believe all those needs are driving us towards since the ideal spouse or mate would fulfill all those needs.

[lisagurl]

Basic human nature.

We "need" social contact with other people to function.
We "need" physical contact with other people to function.
We "need" intellectual contact with other people to function.

Sometimes, the "ideal" of the perfect mate, or spouse becomes what we believe all those needs are driving us towards since the ideal spouse or mate would fulfill all those needs.

We "need" solitude and time to ourselves to function.

[Hildy]

We "need" solitude and time to ourselves to function.

I say a big AMEN to that!

[Miniar]

We "need" solitude and time to ourselves to function.

I agree, but that need and the others do not negate each other.
We need both, to be alone and to be with others.
Only reason I didn't include this need is because it just doesn't have anything to do with the original topic.

[lisagurl]

Only reason I didn't include this need is because it just doesn't have anything to do with the original topic.

The human experience has many needs which all have to be balanced. To always be around people is just as bad as being on an island alone. Some people put too much emphases on companionship which makes them clingy. Being with the wrong person is worse than being alone.

What is great is finding the right person not just anyone.

[Jester]

Well, the way I figure it is that I'm only half a person.  I'm not done yet.  I figure there must be someone out there who is the other half of this equation.  When I find this person, we'll click and everything'll be alright and we'll both be happy where we were miserable before, and suddenly life'll seem possible.

That ain't happened yet.

[Michelle.]

FEAR

The fear of being alone,
The fear of having to think for ones self.
The fear of not receiving validation.
The fear of not being able to face ones-self.

Relationships with others are important, but it is even more important to have a healthy relationship with my own being.

[myles]

I am definitely having one of those Why moments right now.
Myles

[Vexing]

Because we are primates.
Primates are incredibly social creatures - it forms the foundation of most of our behaviours.

[Julie Marie]

Hello guys & gals,

I have been thinking why do some of us need someone there a partner someone to love as we can not survive on our own. Some of my friends are like this, they need to have someone to love otherwise they just don't feel complete. I am like this but not as extreme as other people..

Strange..

Jay

Well Jay, you've certainly touched on something that is very personal, but that doesn't mean intrusive.

When I was younger (meaning in my male life) I was pretty independent, a rock if you will.  If you had a problem, I had an answer.  If you needed a shoulder to lean on, I was there.  I didn't "need" anyone, or so I thought.  Deep inside I had a lot of things I wanted and if I was really honest with myself, I needed.  Maybe that was why I was so unhappy.  But I also got a lot of happiness from being there for family and friends.  I was called "the voice of reason", I was someone everyone could rely on being there no matter what.  And that made me happy, to a degree.

Once I went on HRT things began to change.  I began to feel things I never felt before.  Part of that was because I had denied myself the privilege of feeling, part because I didn't know how to feel.

When I finally broke down the walls and got in touch with the person I am, I realized I want AND need someone in my life that I can share the ups and downs with, the joys as well as the challenges.  But I knew it couldn't be just anyone.  It had to be someone who filled me with joy.  And I found her.  She is the love of my life.

Since knowing this love I wish this kind of love on everyone.  It took me over 50 years to find a love like this.  Maybe that's why I appreciate her so much.  But that doesn't change the fact I wish this love on everyone.  It's the most beautiful experience one can imagine.  And it doesn't have to take 50 years to get there!  You just have to let go of making everyone happy first and focus on you.

Jay, maybe I didn't answer your question but maybe I did.  Knowing real love, true love, is the most wonderful experience life can offer.  At least in my book.  So that may be why there is a need to find someone who "is so great" or better stated, someone who fills your heart with joy.

Julie

[Unconditional Acceptance]

Well, the way I figure it is that I'm only half a person.  I'm not done yet.  I figure there must be someone out there who is the other half of this equation.  When I find this person, we'll click and everything'll be alright and we'll both be happy where we were miserable before, and suddenly life'll seem possible.

I totally know what you mean; I felt like that until I met my current boyfriend, Bryce. You are right, once you find the right person, you'll click and everything does get easier. It happened to Bryce and me. Within 24 hours of meeting each other we were together.

And, Julie Marie, you are also right: people don't always realize that they need someone, and it does take time to find one's true love. To those who are still waiting and searching, take heart; I believe everyone's got a soul mate.

[Osiris]

I use to badly need someone to be with but it can get tiring to wait for and try to find this person. I'd also realized that I had a bunch of my own issues and that finding someone wasn't going to make me better. I couldn't rely on someone else to come along and make me happy, so I'll just have to create my own happiness.

I'm at the point now where I'd like to find someone but I don't get that overwhelming need to. I'm gonna continue to find my own happiness and hopefully along the way I'll find someone to share it with.

[Janet_Girl]

For me, it is a matter of just wanting to be held by that special person.  I have been married three times now, and all but the last one was more of filling a void of loneliness.  The last one I truly loved her, still do to a point.  But her drinking got in the way.

I still am looking for that certain person that, who will treat me as the woman I am.  This is a lonely journey without that person.  But I have a few friends that I can talk to and I have my family here.  But my heart still wants that special person.

Janet

[Julie Marie]

I use to badly need someone to be with but it can get tiring to wait for and try to find this person. I'd also realized that I had a bunch of my own issues and that finding someone wasn't going to make me better. I couldn't rely on someone else to come along and make me happy, so I'll just have to create my own happiness.

I'm at the point now where I'd like to find someone but I don't get that overwhelming need to. I'm gonna continue to find my own happiness and hopefully along the way I'll find someone to share it with.

This has to be the best way I've heard to describe how to find happiness.  You first have to be happy from within.  If you are not, you will never find that special person because you will always be looking for someone to fill a void that can't be filled by until you are content with yourself.

Doing what you think makes others happy will only result in temporary happiness.  In time, you will sink back into an unhappy state because the core of your unhappiness hasn't been resolved.  It may not be socially acceptable or make those around you happy, but each and every one of us has the right to pursue happiness.  And if you pursue it, you will find it but not until you let go of whatever is holding you back.  Once you accept these truths you will begin to know that happiness results in happiness.  In other words, those around you will be positively affected by your happy state.

Julie

PS:  If I got too wordy it's because I'm avoiding having to dilate 

[stacyB]

There is this notion of "to have love and lost"... before my first love I thought it was a pile of crap, and since the last one Ive come to understand what it was really saying...

Its not about fear of being alone, nor should it be about looking for a quick fix to aleviate something thats missing. There is absolutely no question that we need to be happy with ourselves before embarking on a relationship with someone else... but at the same time, life is so much richer when two can share as one.

I was very fortunate to have found someone after I divorced my wife. Even though we arent together now, I found out I was able to love again. That happiness was not impossible to achieve. That I was able to grow and share with someone else... and while I am saddened that we couldnt make this one "stick", I wouldnt trade my time with her for anything...

Its not that we cant survive on our own. But I want... no, I hunger for more than just survival or getting by. I miss finding another set of boots in the hallway next to my own. I miss having someone who wants to excitedly share her day, or someone with whom I can share mine. I miss having the physical contact of someone next to me when I am drifting off to sleep. I miss having another soul who I know and who knows me at a level that cannot be easily explained, yet cannot be duplicated.

Cant speak for anyone else, but I dont want to settle for just getting by... when life is more than just survival... yeah, thats the feeling of being complete. There's nothing like it... 

[Cindy]

I'm in a very strange situation, my wife knows Cindy very well for the last 30 yrs. Totally accepting. We love each other completely. She had an accident and is totally disabled and has to live in a nursing home. I live at home as Cindy. I have no interest in meeting anyone. But then again I've joined SP and have found the human contact woderful. I've always been antisocial, whether this has been a protection system or not I have no idea.

Sometimes I feel very lonely

Cindy