Updates

[Windrider]

Long time no post here. Not that that's particularly unusual for me.

Life is moving along here, although probably not in the direction we had hoped. Dani had her endo appointment she says it was good. She had the usual blood tests done and got some info about "stuff". Don't ask me what all that was...I only got to look at the waiting room. For 2 hours. When I was supposed to be included. Some "inclusion".

I was very hurt by being left out and of course, Dani assumes that I want to be left out. As always.

I'm really getting to the point of not caring anymore. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of failing to measure up to her friends who are obviously more important than I am.

And before you ask, yes I've tried talking to her. I got blown off last night (again) with the lame excuse of "I'm so used to it being the other way." Yeah, well, if Dani actually tried she might find out differently. But it's not happened and I seriously doubt it will. I'm tired of being the one doing all of the "changing" when there isn't any reciprocation.

A good example of this is that I would be headed to bed and ask if Dani wanted to snuggle (snuggle is our catch all term that can be anything up to and including sex). She'll usually give me a smile and say "OK, I'll be there in a minute (or bit)" Once she says that, I know that I'm not going to see her for a while. You see, "in a minute" or "in a bit" is Dani-speak for anywhere from 1-3 hours or more. I'm really sorry but when I'm headed to bed around 10-11pm, I'm not waiting for her for 1-3 hours.

What's she doing in those hours? No clue. Chatting, surfing, watching TV are on that list. But I guess they're more interesting and fun than spending time with me. After all, I'm just her "wife", the person she "love" and her "best friend". If this is how one treats those special people, then why do I want to be them?

I've forgiven Dani for the exclusion because there's no point in being angry over it. It's going to be the norm so I should just get used to it. I'm just tired. I've given up a lot for Dani and will probably have to give up even more as transition continues. I'm just beginning to wonder if it's really going to be worth it in the end.

WR

[Sarah Louise]

I'm sorry to hear things are going down hill.  Changes especially when your not totally included can be very disheartening.

Dani is experiences feelings that she has never had before and probably isn't fully sure how to express them.

Try to keep the pathways to communication open it is the only hope.

Sarah L.

[Maebh]

I'm really getting to the point of not caring anymore. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of failing to measure up to her friends who are obviously more important than I am.

I am sorry that you are felling so low, excluded and rejected. But whatever happens you cannot blame yourself. Remember that relationships are a two way exchange. To be fair and balanced it needs give and take from both sides.

I'm tired of being the one doing all of the "changing" when there isn't any reciprocation.

Of course you are it is normal.

After all, I'm just her "wife", the person she "love" and her "best friend". If this is how one treats those special people, then why do I want to be them?

What ever her reasons it is still her responsibility to threat you with the respect you deserve.

I'm just beginning to wonder if it's really going to be worth it in the end.

Nobody can be taken for granted and rejected for ever without getting their heart broken. For both your sake I hope she realise how much she could loose before it is too late.
If not I can only wish you the hope of supported healing and ultimately the ability to reclaim your full strenght and life without bitterness or self blame.

Hope,  Light, Love & Respect.

Maebh 

[NicholeW.]

Ok, she's all angst-y and into herself. Transition has that way about it; and more than one transitioner has learned to her chagrin that living "just for me" is a particularly good way to "live with just me."

You decide, WR, do you want to be with her? Do you want to continue with this type of behavior on her part? Do you want to do something about it or "let her be her?"

If you want to remain and build something with Dani, then perhaps Sarah Louise has given you a clue to how to begin going about that. It doesn't hurt to try.

Set a limit if you go that route. Both of you put it in writing and make a chart or checklist of things you wish to work on in the relationship. Chart it, both of you. That way doesn't mean that you'll be successful or that either of you will make the changes needed. It does make it easier for both of you to have some idea where you stand in relation to one another and your partnership.

How does she imagine that she's gonna share a life with you when she cannot share even a doctor's visit? Just for instance.

Or, you can always throw up your hands and fergidabowdid. Lots of women have and lots of MTF women have discovered too late that there might be things important to their lives other than just a transition. It can be wonderful and supporting to share that time with someone who's not only in your corner but committed to your reaching the goal and there's a true richness when it's all done that suffuses the relationship, making it stronger, making the bond indelible.

But, it's not for everyone. And both parties are going to have to commit to make it work and to try and gauge where things are this week.

Whatever happens, you're one of the more enjoyable posters here. It's always nice to see your posts when you drop-in.

Nichole

[Vexing]

Sounds like she's acting like a selfish teenager.
Personally, I wouldn't put up with it.
Transition isn't an excuse to behave poorly.

I know this kind of personality; they expect forgiveness for poor behaviour, simply because they are going through something 'tough' - then play on that forgiveness to behave badly on purpose.

[Windrider]

Thanks everyone Sorry I didn't get back to everyone yesterday. I'm working a bizzare schedule these days.

Dani and I talked again last night. I explained that I was upset because I felt that I was the one doing all of the work for our relationship and that it was feeling like nothing had really changed from the last 10 years. I also explained how I felt that her "I have to get used to it being different" statement sounded like a cop-out excuse to me. Dani apologized and admitted that I was right on both counts.

She asked me what needed to change and I said "all of it". Dani laughed and said "how about we work on a smaller subset of that to start"? So I asked if she could start assuming I want to be *included* rather than left out and if she could stop the 1-3 hours before bedtime routine. I know these are probably the harder things to do for us, but they are also the things that bother me and hurt the most.

I don't want her to give up or ignore her online friends. That's rude and mean. I just want her to remember that I'm her friend too and it hurts when she ignores me.

There was an occurrence yesterday that really galvanized something for me. There was a nasty wreck on one of the interstates yesterday, involving a motorcycle, car and tractor trailer. The local news had some fuzzy pictures of the bike...and it looked for all the world like Dani's. My heart just about stopped. My brain said it couldn't be hers due to the time of the accident (she'd have had no reason to be on that highway at that time), but my heart just kept saying "no..no..it can't be her...what if it was?...what am I going to do without her?" I really do still love Dani. I don't want her to leave, nor do I want to leave her. What I am fighting for is *us*. She is obviously just fine (she was at work at the time of the accident.) Although I wasn't the only one worried - her Dad called her to make sure she was OK too.

The results of our talk last night were good. She was still a bit late for bed, but only 1/2 hr instead of 1-3, so I'd call that an improvement. We've made plans for tonight as well, since I don't have to cook (we have leftovers). I'd call that an improvement too. Now if we can just keep it going.

In other news: Dani's endo called back. She looks good for HRT, just some minor problems with a vitamin D deficiency (easily corrected with a supplement) and her cholesterol is a bit high. However, we've both started Weight Watchers this week so that may be helped with diet changes. She's going to wait on that before worrying. She goes back for blood work again in Sept. to check her levels.

Thanks again everyone for listening and your advice

WR