being a trans parent, I need advice

[L]

I have some issues that I wonder what other people are experiencing or have experienced with this issue. One is being stealth and the other is about coming out to people that i'm close to.

I am a 33 year old ftm and I have a son (bio) who's ten. I am in the middle of a transition and have only been on T for a few months. We live in an area where there are a lot  of kids around and he has friends that all know me as his mom even though he calls me dad and knows me as dad(at home). The problem is that I want to be as stealth as I possibly can but I dont know how this is going to work as far as the kids are concerned because they already know me as his mom although a very masculine mom that passes almost 100 percent of the time and this is gettting more and more 100 percent every day. My main concern is for him because I dont want him to be made fun of because of me. I was thinking I could either tell him to tell them I am his dad even though they thought I was his mom or maybe possibly that I have a twin brother? i know it sounds crazy but maybe it could work. I don't know what to to. Does anyone have any ideas or have been through this type of stuff? As much as I would like to I can't move because I just moved here and it is a nice area to raise him and it took me a long time to get in where i am and dont have money to move for a very long time.
My other issue is that when I came out to my adoptive family they said I should wait to transition and stop taking T until my son is older because even though he is ok with it now they think it will affect him later. And they say i'm his "mom". I personally think that as long as he knows i love him and there for him it should be ok. He has known me the way I am his whole life. Also I think it might be better to transition when kids are younger in a way. I am over 30 and have already started T and dont want to stop for health and personal reasons and don't want to wait any longer, I feel like I have already waited too long. I want the best for my son but I also need to be able to function in life in order to raise him. What do other parents do in this situation when people are telling you that you shouldn't transition because you have kids?

[TamTam]

I don't think you stopping now would be what's best for him.  If he already seems fine with it now, why would his opinion suddenly change when he got older?  It's much more likely that he'll simply continue being fine with it, and your family is just trying to stall you in the hopes that you are the one who grows out if it.

I mean, surely it'd be 'worse' for him if he's grown up calling you dad, and then he has to switch to mom, and then has to switch back to dad again in a few years?  Much easier to just continue calling you dad.. why not?  He won't have any confusion about who you are to him that way.  And that will keep him strong against anyone else's confusion.

As for the other part, I have a feeling that trying to be stealth right now, at least to your son's friends, isn't quite going to work.  Lies can get very convoluted..

[Mister]

If you have children, you have to assume that you'll be outed, especially if they're of playground age and have longstanding friendships.  I understand and commiserate with your desire to be stealth- you can relocate, but even then I wouldn't assume a ten year old would keep your private business private.  And really, more than that, I wouldn't expect a parent would make a child hold such a secret.

[myles]

Jon I have a 9 year old and a soon to be 10 year old son(s). I do not think I can/could be stealth  because of them. I can not ask them to try and change the past (when talking to thier friends)  and all of their friends know me as their mom, like your sons friends. It would be asking them to keep a secret or tell a lie, in my mind, and I want them to see that I am proud of who I am.
As far as not transitioning because you have kids that is just not true I am doing it , 2 months on T and I will be 40 this year. My kids are completely fine with it and the friends of theirs who know are all fine with it, kids aren't born ignorant/prejudice their parents teach them that , so it's more the parents I will have to deal with and so far all has been fine.
I do live in Portland Oregon which is a very excepting community.
Myles
I should add I was concerned about how it would affect them (my kids) and held off transitioning for 2 years, that was a mistake. I should have done it 2 years ago, they could /would have cared less! They just say they want me to be happy and think everyones inside and outside should match, they really don't get why people might not understand.

[Venus]

It is more important that your kids see you happy, it is easier to parent when you are comfortably yourself.  I had people tell me I should have stayed with my ex until my kids were older, my daughter was almost 3 when our court order went through.  Turns out that living apart was the BEST thing for my kids because I was HAPPY and when I was happy I could parent them properly. 
As for the children yes it is the parents you have to worry about not the children.  One of ours is 11 right now and SHE corrects people when they call my partner the wrong name/pronoun before my partner even has a chance to.  Children learn what they are taught, they can not learn what they are not taught.  Right now in your sons friend's lives you may be the only one willing to teach them this lesson:  "There is an outer body and an inner body."  Some people think nicely dressed people are nice however, they may be abusive.  A poorly dressed person might have the heart of an angel and a polite, caring nature.  In the same way you teach the children these things, you will also teach them that it doesn't matter if someone looks like a girl or a boy it is how they treat you that counts. 
I personally would say something to the children like this 'yes, I did let people call me my son's mom, because at the time it was easier, however I have always been his dad, so slowly more and more people are calling me his dad and it is o-kay for you to call me his dad as well.'
I hate lying and I would not be able to lie to the kids but I honestly feel that a statement like that would not be lying.  Whether you were or are a man/woman you were/are his parent.  It also explains enough for a child but without going into too much detail, then you can just take every question at a time and tell them it is not about appearances it is about respect.  It also helps when you assure them that it is o-kay to make a mistake, to correct themselves and tell them what you wish to be called whether it be your first name or Mr. so and so. 
My neighbour also has problems with children who ask her why she needs leg braces to walk, some of them are curious and some are just rude! It is up to us the people, the parents, to tell the children it is o-kay to not understand, it is o-kay to ask a question, but it is not o-kay to stare, point, laugh, or tease.
New friends take the information better than old friends and it may help if your son can meet other kids who also have parents who are not the "stereotype".  I know that when I broke up with my ex my eldest daughter's best friend at the time was a girl whose parents also broke up at the same time, this helped my kids a lot.  Right now we are trying to find other teenagers to talk with are oldest who is 14 and is the only one out of our crew who is showing signs of stress about the changes that have happened over the past 3 years.  He is also discovering who he would like to date but that is a different issue.

[tekla]

If he already seems fine with it now, why would his opinion suddenly change when he got older?

Because people, and their values change, often radically, when they hit adolescence.  Kids begin to drift away from whatever their parents force-fed them and move into a space that is governed far more by what their peers think - and what they think their peers will think.  Lots of perfect snowflakes turn into not-so-perfect teenagers as they attempt to define themselves in the world, rather than having it defined for them.

maybe possibly that I have a twin brother? i know it sounds crazy but maybe it could work.

Nah, people are lot more perceptive than that.

[TamTam]

Because people, and their values change, often radically, when they hit adolescence.  Kids begin to drift away from whatever their parents force-fed them and move into a space that is governed far more by what their peers think - and what they think their peers will think.  Lots of perfect snowflakes turn into not-so-perfect teenagers as they attempt to define themselves in the world, rather than having it defined for them.

That doesn't mean that a person's sense of right and wrong will change that drastically.  My political and moral beliefs didn't change all that much when I became a teenager.  My brother didn't suddenly become a homophobe when he hit 13.  Sure some teens will have a difficult time and experience 'radical' changes, but many won't.  The ones I've known, haven't.  Certainly not to the point where they would disown a parent for something they were fine with a few months ago.

[tekla]

There are many people on this forum that will tell you about the children they have lost in this process.  Enough to make me think its not an isolated example.  And though they may not become homophobic - well the peer pressure deal is pretty much go along to get along, and they can end up mouthing that stuff nonetheless. 

That being said, there is a huge difference between 9 and 10, and 14 and beyond.  Do all rebel?  I doubt it.  But praise the lord for those that do.

[barbie]

I assume that my kids know as much as adults. And basic knowledge and judgement are essentially the same between kids and adults, IMHO.

I do not urge my kids to call me dad or mom. It's their choice and right. My 5-yr little daughter always shouts "dad, dad, dad" even when I wear skirt or lipstick. Of couse sometimes she comments like "My dad is like a lady." Her friends probably commented such way, and my daughter sometimes asks whether I am a mom or dad.

She sometimes defends for me. One boy once commented that my hair is too long, and my daughter replied "No. My dad already had his hair cut. So, his hair is not so long!".

I never consider transition by hormone, because I always want to be a nice dad to my children. It could be sometimes awakard, but I have managed to be their father while wearing women's clothes and sometimes makeup.

It is a difficult question, and may have many answers.

Barbie~~

[cindianna_jones]

There are many people on this forum that will tell you about the children they have lost in this process.  Enough to make me think its not an isolated example.  And though they may not become homophobic - well the peer pressure deal is pretty much go along to get along, and they can end up mouthing that stuff nonetheless. 

I'm one of them.

As far as offering advice goes..... all I can say is that no matter what you decide to do, you will be challenged for your decision some time down the road.  The only thing that I could do is to make sure that I had nothing but love for my children and family.  I followed that up with action.

I still love my kids. Someday, perhaps, they will come around.

Cindi

[Lyric]

Am I the first here to realize that the term "trans parent" is an interesting play on words? I guess it's hard to hide anything when you've got kids.

[Venus]

A parents biggest fear is that something will go wrong and the relationship will suffer or end.  Being trans is just one of a thousand reasons why a relationship could have problems.  My one neighbour was just telling me that she and her daughter had a good relationship up until the daughter was 18 and started doing drugs.   

I hated smoking when I was little, I always would complain to my mom, then when I was a teen and it was 'cool' to smoke I still hated it!  I lost many friends because I was allergic to cigarette smoke and it would make me sick so I would avoid it like crazy.  I in turn learned that people who know it hurts you and choose to blow it in your face are not real friends anyway so why cry over the loss of them.  Yes some teens follow the wrong crowd but the majourity don't.
Real friends are honest, respectful and accepting. 
These days there is enough information out there, it is no longer 'cool' to be homophobic in fact it wasn't cool 10 years ago when I was in high school!  I have always taught my children that it does not matter how much money their friends have it is how they are treating you.  It is the same with apperances "Beauty and the Beast".  When I hear that people are hated just because they are gay or trans or cut their hair it makes me sick!  The only reason to hate someone is if they are abusing you physically, emotionally sexually.   

[barbie]

Indeed. I love you, then you love me.

Barbie~~

[TamTam]

I like the points you brought up, Venus.  People are getting more and more accepting, in more parts of the country, and kids are leading the way.  I had classmates in high school who were really into the whole ghetto culture, being thugs and all of that tough guy image stuff.  But they had no real problem with gay people.  In fact they had no problem using the girls' floral scented hand lotions. When they finally found out I was gay they were all a bit put out that I hadn't told them sooner.  Granted that's different from transsexuality but in my experience, if you're okay with one it's less likely you'll have any major problem with the other.

And I had a friend who I never expected to be so open minded, talking about a transwoman who lived in her apartment building and how "hot" she was and what a "great ass" she had.  I was impressed.

So yeah, it's not like every teen suddenly wakes up one day and goes "I feel defiant, I think I'll start hating others for being different."  I think anyone who actually does that wasn't a very good kid in the first place.

[Chaunte]

On the otherhand...!

Not all situations are bad.  As you can see in the image, my son  (12) is very comfortable with me. 

There are certain situations where he does not want to be connected to me, such as at school.  I have no problem with that.  Kids can be cruel to each other and this is his defense mechanism.

My daughter (18) took a little longer to come around, but she did.

There were a couple of things that helped.  First, they were raised to be accepting of others.  Second, I explained that being transgendered is genetic and that Dad is not crazy.  That helped a lot.  Last, they were raised to follow their moral compass, even if it was in defiance of Church teachings.

My daughter calls me Shauna out in public and Dad in private.  My son usually calls me Dad, though he might substitute mom when we are out in public.  (We had a chat early on about how calling me dad can confuse some people and might bring some unwanted attention our way.) It's totally their call.

If your son has known you as you all of his life, going back and forth could be perceived as you doing something wrong - something forbidden.  It would only lead to confusion in his mind.  If he has walked this far with you, he shoud stay with you.

Shauna

[Chloe]

What do other parents do in this situation when people are telling you that you shouldn't transition because you have kids?

Jon, ya 'aven't been around in almost a month but the answer is obvious, 'transition' all ya want but as far as yer kids & the rest of the world is concerned (and in spite of appearance, dress and behavior to the contrary) you'll must always remain honest & 'mom' and everybody else will simply have to get over it!

Who's the most important here? You, your kids or 'them'?